sweatshirt

the power went out tonight
I couldn't see your absence.
your perfume dissipated
into the air. oxygen was heavy.
weighed down,
I'm afraid now.

that maybe I should let you go
stop hanging on to
your last thread.
I'll unravel
under your bed.
like a hand me down sweat shirt
only kept for sentimental value.
which means
you never really wanted this.
it just landed in your lap,
and as you stood
I would fall away.

Damn. It's hard to realize you are in a relationship with someone who don't love you for you. The representation in this come across like subtle jogs of memories that you really don't want to relive but have to because of the reality of not being satisfied by a better have being fully invested in the relationship. The sweatshirt representation is also the best due to the fact that it is one of those pieces of clothing that is often manipulated to fit the wearer yet not as important as a vital part of an outfit and making that character feel as such really tune in his realization. Nice

Quote:

---

like a hand me down sweat shirt
only kept for sentimental value.

---

This pretty mich summed up the entire piece.

Graciously said my brother. This was short and sweet
I guess the only complaint is....more?

Enjoyed

I didn't need more from this, I thought it was long enough. Not too long, it said what it needed to, and said it well, without rambling on. My one conplaint is the line "like a hand me down sweatshirt". I think this piece would read so much more artfully if you had have kept the extended metaphor intact rather than explaining it with a simile. That line says "hey reader, this is about the writer, not a sweatshirt" whereas without the simile it IS a poem about a sweatshirt, and we get to infer that the sweatshirt is really representative of the writer. There's a certain magic to that which is lost when you tell the reader "it's me, I'm like the sweatshirt!"

That is my only complaint. The rest of this is perfect. Wouldn't change a single other thing. Loved it.

the power went out tonight
I couldn't see your absence. These two lines are bliss. Just beautiful. The first line is great but then its backed by a killer second line and it really helps the first line Jukon.
your perfume dissipated
into the air. oxygen was heavy.
weighed down,
I'm afraid now.Afraid, of what? How interesting. I like the whole perfume imagery you've got going. What she's able to do to the atmosphere around you, your place, your area, your life.

that maybe I should let you go
stop hanging on to
your last thread. Wow, you're hanging onto her last thread? That bit pulls at heart strings. But that first line...'that maybe I should let you go...' makes me melt from sadness. Emotionally, you hit the nail on the head.
I'll unravel
under your bed. Another interesting line.
like a hand me down sweat shirt
only kept for sentimental value.I've got a jumper that my grandmother knitted lol, not that nannies have anything to do with this but, lol, yeah, it's eating up space, I never wear it, but I can't bring myself to throw it out either. So, we're kind of stuck together at this point in our lives, this jumper and I. Anyway, I like where you went with that. I think we all know the feeling.
which means
you never really wanted this.
it just landed in your lap,
and as you stood
I would fall away.Beautiful ending Jukon. Really well written.


The tone in this is interesting. You're not harbouring anger or even resentment. All I feel is sad understanding of what you perceive to be the truth, your truth. And that lonely feeling that goes along with it. That almost, emptiness, hollow echo of ..... quiet nothingness.
Another great read Jukon.
Your talent is lovely.

Thank you for dropping this.
Drop more : )

In a word

~

Dope.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jukon

the power went out tonight
I couldn't see your absence.
your perfume dissipated
into the air. oxygen was heavy.
weighed down,
I'm afraid now.

Power went out. What a cool way to intro this. Lights out, don't notice she's not there. Get this symbolism of light being gone, her light, and you don't even notice. Not noticing, you notice the not noticing and begin to feel that heavy weight. Something of a realization, and not the kind you like having.

that maybe I should let you go
stop hanging on to
your last thread.
I'll unravel
under your bed.
like a hand me down sweat shirt
only kept for sentimental value.
which means
you never really wanted this.
it just landed in your lap,
and as you stood
I would fall away.

Perhaps you love her but she doesn't love you back, or perhaps you just don't love her; or are now realizing you don't actually love her as much as you hold on. The comfort of having her there, the comfort of her being there, the familiarity of it. But, when you don't notice that she's gone, you feel your not noticing was a sort of acceptance that bothered you. You never really loved her so much as you loved the idea of her being there. This odd relationship can't go both ways, and it needs to be let go no matter if it's painful.

---

That hand me down sweat shirt was a real solid line, and worth being the title. I like how you charge objects with emotion, you're rather good at that. Was a pleasure reading this, Juk, a real pleasure. In a painful relatable kinda of way, lol. Great job.

This was an amazing work, full of meanning emtions.