A P.S.A to Lames...let's just say

Allow me to address those silly little niggas that got hatred for those…
Of us that have the ability to use more than just the front lobe.
Poppin off about the hot flows for which you’re not known
Like syphilitic lymph nodes, you couldn’t stop the sickness with your best blows.
Test those, menial middle men with whom you best identify before you fall flat.
It’s all rap, but if you sound like ball sack, you should fall back.
Attempt to do what you call stack and wait for a call back from “All That”.
You’re all wack and rest assured that show was all phat but it won’t go on.
Does your career stink? Well tell me how you can be “sure” if you wont “roll on”.
Don’t focus on the chokehold on the rap game that you couldn’t even strong arm.
Bet the farm you’re best with yarn and you “knit” wits shouldn’t suggest the harm.
To set alarms your main frame’s gotta be online with some sort of main brain.
Believe it aint cane, sugar or otherwise, keep shedding tears of a clown and remain lame.
It aint the same as a vet testing the same name, same league, same skills, same game.
But your A game at best is neck and neck with a second rate retch who stays insane.
Inane and asinine rants about those site mates that hype greats, 0 = the balls that takes.
For all that takes that ball sack to break on the small mat now wishin we all got raped.
Doesn’t make for all that day spent infront of the comp, logged on for 10 min for all I say
And all these words large confuse the small brains of an angry pompous novice
These K’s not the same as choppers, despite your knowledge, the corner’s not an office
So raise that and ease back lil specks and stop the hate so you can start the homage
If you got problems solve em but with no respect due, you kids stop droppin garbage

Reposted in a smaller size just in case the regular size is thrown off by the longer lines...cheers

Allow me to address those silly little niggas that got hatred for those…
Of us that have the ability to use more than just the front lobe.
Poppin off about the hot flows for which you’re not known
Like syphilitic lymph nodes, you couldn’t stop the sickness with your best blows.
Test those, menial middle men with whom you best identify before you fall flat.
It’s all rap, but if you sound like ball sack, you should fall back.
Attempt to do what you call stack and wait for a call back from “All That”.
You’re all wack and rest assured that show was all phat but it won’t go on.
Does your career stink? Well tell me how you can be “sure” if you wont “roll on”.
Don’t focus on the chokehold on the rap game that you couldn’t even strong arm.
Bet the farm you’re best with yarn and you “knit” wits shouldn’t suggest the harm.
To set alarms your main frame’s gotta be online with some sort of main brain.
Believe it aint cane, sugar or otherwise, keep shedding tears of a clown and remain lame.
It aint the same as a vet testing the same name, same league, same skills, same game.
But your A game at best is neck and neck with a second rate retch who stays insane.
Inane and asinine rants about those site mates that hype greats, 0 = the balls that takes.
For all that takes that ball sack to break on the small mat now wishin we all got raped.
Doesn’t make for all that day spent infront of the comp, logged on for 10 min for all I say
And all these words large confuse the small brains of an angry pompous novice
These K’s not the same as choppers, despite your knowledge, the corner’s not an office
So raise that and ease back lil specks and stop the hate so you can start the homage
If you got problems solve em but with no respect due, you kids stop droppin garbage

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...me-355804.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nt-356112.html

^^^you know what it is

ok, nice rhymescheme here, the flow was quick paced, and the lines were a bit lengthy.. the 'attempt to get a callback from all that' made me lol.. there were definitely some good quotables.. i liked that whole section leading to 'logged on for 10 minutes for all i say'.. multis were everywhere, cool read man, seems like someone really got to you for some fierce writing fuel.

haha yeah thanks...im just tired of dudes bitchin cause their rhyme game is limp penis no homo...and other people notice and comment on it...you diiiigggg!!!!!...appreciate the feed as always...uppin for more

uppin . .

slept on .

A solid boast piece with nice multis, solid flow and a few nice metaphors thrown in. I'd like to see you tackle a more original concept with a more structured story though, this is what 90% of pieces fall into but at least you brought some skills to it. Not much else to say man, keep dropping.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...-f-355460.html

uppin...knowing i fed at least five pieces prolly more....but its whatever

and thanks for the feed johnny

first, i guess sorry for not coming and giving feed i didn't notice the 4 seasons feed, really, plus it was a collab and all I did really was post it, I only wrote one part and I didn't really go back looking for feed after I had written my most recent piece... so, um, sorry I guess? But I understand the frustration of leaving feed and getting no return.

umm... so you like rhymescheme a lot, and that's cool cuz that's the biggest focus of my writing, but you kind of let it inhibit you. You kept just kind of talking, it never got around to making any real focused, quotable points, it just kind of continued rambling on to the flow, kind of reminded me of some old ninjah red type style... I think your structuring can use a retooling, the lines are really long, man, chop em in half or something, hell, this same piece could look a lot better if it were displayed better. It doesn't solve the problem of the randomness due to the intense rhyme scheme, but that comes with time... I think its better to start with a strong scheme like this and then slowly get better at fitting good points and clever wordplay into it.

Quote:

---

Test those, menial middle men with whom you best identify before you fall flat.
It’s all rap, but if you sound like ball sack, you should fall back.
Attempt to do what you call stack and wait for a call back from “All That”.
You’re all wack and rest assured that show was all phat but it won’t go on.

---

^^^just kind of my example of what I mean my randomness due to rhyme scheme... "do what you call stack" and then whatever "all that" is, maybe a girl you're talking about, but the "all" sound being continued got annoying, too, it's kind of like that easy cop-out rhyme style that like nelly would use.

Here's how I would revise a small section to show what I mean about structure retooling...

Quote:

---

To set alarms your main frame’s
Gotta be online with some sort of main brain.
Believe it aint cane,
Sugar or otherwise, keep shedding tears of a clown
And remain lame.
It aint the same as a vet testing the same name,
Same league, same skills, same game.
But your A game
At best is neck and neck with a second rate
Retch who stays insane.

---

Much more reader friendly then your 35-word lines lol... anyways keep at it... hope this helps... I want to see more content in ur next piece, don't let the next rhyme you think of in your head direct your writing... Just because it sounds good doesn't mean it is good, ya dig me?

thanks for the feed, I'll address some of your points...all that is a show that used to be on nickolodeon which gave keenan and kell their start in the business, it was a variety show sort of like a MadTV or SNL for the younger crowd...do what you call stack...basically was tellin these dudes that hate on others because they can actually rhyme...to try and stack cash by appearing on a show which is past tense...so when i said..."rest assured that show was all phat"...means it was cool back in the day, but now its nothing...the "testing of the menial middle men" line was about basically tellin them dudes to stay on their level and stop hatin because others are better...i fully understand others are better than me but i dont hate on them for being so...basically my purpose in this piece was to address that sort of thing in a lyrical fashion...i could actually break down every point in every line...but i leave it up to the reader to understand exactly what i am talking about, cause with this type of subject its easy to just go straight to the point...but i was aiming at a more subliminal direction...hope that clears up any randomness...but if not...we're just humans...ya diiiiiiiiiiiggggg!!!!

Meh. Nothin' major, You Did however manage to use some Big words
In A Quick Key ...

Metephores - Some but they werent finished right
Punches - Weak ..
complexity - Basic Bars, nothing fantsy here .. with the ammount of character/words Your rhymes should of been less repeat more com-plete
overall - Judging by other threads real talent is here nor there these days .. In my opinion take your time .. have respect for your craft ..

quality before quantity

i didn't feel this too much. the repetition of certain words for the sake of rhyme scheme made the flow stretch and made it a chore to read. try and cut down on the syllables per line and make the rhymes work with the flow, don't just put them there for the sake of rhyming.

pz.

I didn't really see much I can quote, but the vocabulary was dope. The rhyme scheme was dope as while, with what id call a nice delivery. It kept me hooked it, just put it that way.

"Poppin off about the hot flows for which you’re not known
Like syphilitic lymph nodes, you couldn’t stop the sickness with your best blows."

Keep up the good work, and i'll be keepin' an eye out. Only advice I can give is, just try working on more punchlines when it comes to something like this. Not that it didn't interest me, but punches deserve to be put into diss tracks. Keep your head up, and peace out.