The Spill of Sorrow

*I tried posting the picture, resizing and all, big fail*

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/yaF7ppJYI_k/maxresdefault.jpg

A long pull on a cigarette I notice the heat brightens
The oxygen fueling the fire as it breathes lifeless
"I need to get to her"... lungs heavy with cloudy smoke
My eyes are weary driving alone down a county road
Feeling the slight burn as my thumb & finger flick
My addiction out the window elsewhere in the winter wind
Reaching for another desperate sip from my whiskey jar
The stench is so thick it could clear out fifty bars
But it's needed to numb the pain.
Drank about a drum of grain to the point that it doesn't take
A genius to know that alcohol is what pumps my veins
"I need to get to her"... wiping away the residue in my beard
Using my knee to steer & hold the direction in the clear
Her car peaks over the horizon reminiscent of her as a toddler
As I approach it looks the wreckage was submissive to a monster
Smashing the brake pedal with the force of a thousand men
The wheels lock & the car skids to a howling end
Scrambling for the latch my vision is blurry & foggy
Falling out to the pavement barely standing dirty & groggy
Stumbling & shuffling, slurring my daughters name
"Delaney... Delan...daddy's here babe"
In the distance lay a shoe that I need to examine so I stagger
To see the blood covered the color like the sheet on a cadaver
In a blink, I find her phone but the screen isn't shattered
Locked with a picture of my grandson beaming with laughter
"Delaney... Delaney..." whirling around, there she is
My beautiful baby girl laying in the twigs
The shriek that I bellowed echoed on for miles
Sobbing as I hold her cold head as I dial
9...1...1...
Tragically my eyes drag back to my truck
The front is completely demolished & crushed
I look her, at her car, again to my truck
Adding up the possibilities & I'm stuck
"911 what's your emergency"
Stroking her face as my tears spill like my liquor
Did earlier that night when I killed & hit her

"...sir what is your emergency..."
"hello? sir?..."

I'll feed this when I get back on Friday. Promise. It'll be the first thing I do.

Scripper i get the gist and poetic value of the rhyme

Top 5 worst feedbacks goes to this guy :flipoff:

Pretty dope man, not got time for a bar for bar breakdown. A lot less rhyme heavy than I'm used to from you but the flow's there. Nice storytelling, job well done.

appreciate the look

I'll edit this post and feed this shortly bro

Wow fuck that was such an awesome fucking read man. The ending surprised the fuck out of me. So he actually killed his daughter from being drunk behind the wheel? That was such a great twist. AS the reader u kept me very interested. I was like to myself so hes drunk and driving down the road and boom he gets in an accident. Hes so drunk he starts yelling his daughters name Delaney Delaney. Then all of a sudden when he looked and seen it was her he hit my emotions kicked i was like fuck intense story my man. Such a great read kept the imagery and excitement going theres always gotta be a big bang at the end of a story.


"I need to get to her"... wiping away the residue in my beard
Using my knee to steer & hold the direction in the clear
Her car peaks over the horizon reminiscent of her as a toddler
As I approach it looks the wreckage was submissive to a monster
Smashing the brake pedal with the force of a thousand men
The wheels lock & the car skids to a howling end
Scrambling for the latch my vision is blurry & foggy
Falling out to the pavement barely standing dirty & groggy
Stumbling & shuffling, slurring my daughters name
"Delaney... Delan...daddy's here babe"
In the distance lay a shoe that I need to examine so I stagger
To see the blood covered the color like the sheet on a cadaver
In a blink, I find her phone but the screen isn't shattered
Locked with a picture of my grandson beaming with laughter
"Delaney... Delaney..." whirling around, there she is
My beautiful baby girl laying in the twigs
The shriek that I bellowed echoed on for miles
Sobbing as I hold her cold head as I dial
9...1...1...
Tragically my eyes drag back to my truck
The front is completely demolished & crushed
I look her, at her car, again to my truck
Adding up the possibilities & I'm stuck
"911 what's your emergency"
Stroking her face as my tears spill like my liquor
Did earlier that night when I killed & hit her

Such a dope climax i would def be down to collab with you what a great fucking mindset.

May u leave some feed on Shoot Em Up and Man Down

Appreciate that Chawp.. I'll give you some feed for sure

hey ill scripturez! I liked where you went with this, It was a unique story which was told pretty well and kept it's pace steady, It fit in a dark way for the topic too. Drinking and driving are a horrible combo and are the cause of a lot of death, and thats truth. I liked the rhyme schemes to start, they were strong with the county road/ cloudy smoke. I really like next level rhymes with alliterations in there, with the finger flick/winter wind. that was really great writing there and shines man. The highlights of your piece are definitely the strong emotion and imagery, great elements to have, my only constructive critique would be to just have an extra eye over your work before its done and done, the only reason i say that is because i cant say your wording was bad at all, it was actually great in most instances but the fifty bars and thousand men parts just seemed like a bit of a forced wording for me, though i know what you were going for, another example- in the last bar you killed and hit her, but a simple rephrasing to hit and killer her doesn't sacrifice the rhyme but tightens up the wordings yanahmean. just nit picky stuff at this point, overall the story kept its progression and the imagery draws in in the beginning, thanks for the read!

appalling, I'm applauding over here. wonderfully written, wish I could hear how/if you spit. I don't even know what to say about this that wasn't said already. great storytelling and it was a nice twist.

Intense piece right here, loved the style of your story telling, love the actual plot of the story. Was very good. Rhymes were solid throughout.
Liked the ending 6-8 bars the most. ended in a strong emotional note

Pretty dope piece, man. Wording was real smooth from start to end. Rhyme scheme was on point. Flowed really well the entire time. Concept was pretty cool. Overall not much I can say that hasn't already been said above me. Dope read.

I thought this was a pretty nice piece, Ill Scripturez. I thought your rhyme schemes were good, and storytelling was done well. Nothing seemed too out of place here. The topic was nicely executed. The emotion was done well as-well. Maybe tighten up your wording next time. Otherwise, good work.