.:Innocent No More:.

..This Is A Very Sad Piece,But Someone Had To Write It..
Verse One
She Was A Nice Girl...She Wanted To Go To College Start A Family,She Had A Bright Future,
But One Day,Her Parents Were Gone,So She Just Decided To Sit Infront Of A Computer/1
She Was New To The Concept Of A Chatroom,She Was Just Seaking Some Fun,
Hours Now Have Passed,Confersation's Intese,Maybe This Guy Is The One/2
She Started To Get To Know This Man,Maybe They Could Meet Up One Day,
"I Love Him No Matter What,Forget What My Parents Say/3
So They Made Plans,She Will Sneak Out During Dark,
She Had Good Intentions,Only Wanting A Fresh Start/4
So With That Said,In His Front Yard Where She Parked,
She Did This Whole-Heartly,No One Was Around To Tell Here It Wasen't Smart/5
Chrous
Everyone Loved To See Her Smile,She Shown Bright Just Like The Sun,
She Made A Mistake,She Thought There Was No Pain In Fun/1
She Wasen't Stupid,She Just Diden't Know She'd Be A Whore,
But This Guy Would Have His Way,She Was Innocent No More!/2
(Repeat 2x)
Verse Two
The Guy On The Other Hand,He Knew About The Whole Entire Game,
It Was Just Fun,Yet In The End It Caused Her Some Emotional Pain/1
With One Little Command,She Started To Take Off Her Clothes,
She Seemed So Innocent,Next Thing She's Jumping On Poles/2
She Thought It Was Cool She Was Earning Money Only A Buck,
A Few Shots And Money,Thats All It Took And She Was Fucked/3
Just Because She Did What He Said,She Considered It A Win,
To Her,It Just Felt Really Good She Diden't Know She Was Molested/4
She Never Got To Say Goodbye,With One Knive Slit That Was Her Last Breath,
Looking On,He Realized What He Done He Was Out Of Sight Her Body Is All That's Left/5
Chrous Repeat 2x
Up

You have potential.

Keep elevating.

Alright Thanx 4 The Love.Up

quiet nice... nice concept, i thought it would of been her gettin raped and murdered or sumpin... all good though, ok, you need to up your vocab, always nice on an emotional piece, shorten your lines a bit, definitly shorten your chorus, and it needs more emotion put into it...overall it was a good read though, and got the mesage across... good piece, stay up

Structure could use some work and then it would flow better - as said try to shorten your lines - or if you're using longer lines do something more complex with the rhymes. Since you're trying to convey emotion here some elevation of vocab would help as well. Concept was pretty good - Keep writing and elevating. Ok piece overall - hit my Lamentations if you can.

with work.... could be better..... you need to expand on the scheme.... get some internals there and more rhyming...... also the flow was choppy.... too much irregularity..... jus work on it..... and use more vocab.....