Those Shifty Eyes..

Disasters occur.. You'll agree.. Most of the time they are all man made
Out at war you know youve been betrayed..
.. When one of your friends throws you a pinless grenade
Without time to evade.. 50 years in the job but still on minimum wage
When someone told you they wrote a novel..
.. But only gave you half a page
Slitted eyelids.. Sneakily betraying people known as friends
They only lie but never make amends.. To tie up their loose ends
Forever on eggshells.. Always moving in a shady fashion
Like taking your sergants bag.. And eating his last food ration
Its hard to stay undercover.. While living a life of deceit
So you never really compete..
.. Instead your method is to cheat
So next time you wonder.. Why that someone close to you dies
Always remember that person who you saw..
.. The one with the shifty eyes

Link #1, Link #2

its short but gets its message across, with good detail and emotion in it. i found the more i read into it the stronger it got and picked up pace a bit. the content was good and you used good examples to get your point and thoughts across. i liked the flow of this piece, it sounds good, kinda soothing actually, which is different from the topic. the topic is one thats done a bit, but you put it in new light and kept it interesting.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=110154

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Freeman

Disasters occur.. You'll agree.. Most of the time they are all man made
Out at war you know youve been betrayed..
.. When one of your friends throws you a pinless grenade
Without time to evade.. 50 years in the job but still on minimum wage
I was rolling in laughter at this point - which isn't the reaction I think you wanted - I think you should introduce the idea a little slower - because the way it hits now is like a punchline. Flow is somewhat choppy
When someone told you they wrote a novel..
.. But only gave you half a page
Slitted eyelids.. Sneakily betraying people known as friends
They only lie but never make amends.. To tie up their loose ends
Forever on eggshells.. Always moving in a shady fashion
Good description of liars - I like.
Like taking your sergants bag.. And eating his last food ration
Its hard to stay undercover.. While living a life of deceit
So you never really compete..
.. Instead your method is to cheat
So next time you wonder.. Why that someone close to you dies
Always remember that person who you saw..
.. The one with the shifty eyes

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Nice way to tie the topic up. Like your closer here. Vocab was ok - high level wasn't really neccesary for this topic - so well done. Flow seemed a bit choppy - maybe you could pull this off in an audio. Descriptions were quite nice. Made your point - nice work.

Okay, this was short but sweet, vocab and wordplay were good and had a nice flow to it, i liked this

Thanks for the feedback..

Up we go..

Pz..

good piece vocab. some parts a bit choppy though but overall i liked it.7/10

^^nice reply...lmao.... anyways i thought this was quite meaningful... you had a good message behind it... and you brought it across nicely with some decent wordplay... but too short.. you managed to squeeze alot into it tho still... and it was pretty smooth.... decent lil drop.....

well done. vocab was alright but could have been upped a little. flow was straight. storytelling was nice, stayed on point throughout. opener was a somewhat shaky.

favorite line - "Always moving in a shady fashion
Like taking your sergants bag.. And eating his last food ration"

good short read

Pretty cool, nice wordplay
7/10

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118312

hmmm
didnt really grab me on this i have to say flow seemed a bit choppy as well..in places
maybe im not really reading deeply into this but there wasnt a heck of a lot of meaning in it for me
left me with a bit of an empty feeling...but i understood what it was about
needed a bit more conviction and better writers voice
peace

fin