"Lyrical Crucifixicion" sin on paper

and so as i hang on da crucifix bound down by da scrolls of sin....
i leak pain as i speak from da ink straight from dis pen....
corrupted frame results in intentional sins which cannot be repented for...
i cry for forgiveness but god does not hear me any more...

i am now an outkast on dis earth....banished to da gates of hell....
metamorphosis.... as I progress my thoughtz down my pen starts to swell...
in da midst of evil and ugly panoramas...i still see some light...
even though i commited some lyrical sins i still deserve some sight....

da desolate one.. optical lense greyer then da smoggy sky....
with only da iris to focus and detect deception and lies.....
my body disintegrates like leprecy on a sensitive dermal structure....
puttin dis pen and pad to my heart causing terminal ruptures....

god take away all of my sins... wash em away as i speak....
i sacrifice myself for the many sins of the weak.....
and with no gravity to ground me...im climbin da olympus peak...
heal da lepers and the mutes.... so they can now speak.....
and i know armageddon is soon upon us...i await that tragedy now...
when da devil has cursed da earth... and burned it with a sinister smile...
transferring da words of god... Jesus suffered lethal inflictions....
for us and all of our sins... he faced lyrical crucifixion......


peace





http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116971

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117255

this was a real good peice
nice vocab
the flow was alright,
the image you placed in my head was good
but to be truthful,the topic sucked
you were just rapping about yourself, and thats played
dont get me wrong, you had some ill lines
but its all been done before
some advice,
on rapbattles.com
it is best when you rap about a story
be a story teller
or if your rap have a real inner meaning and feeling
a twist
but its good for a newbie
keep elevatin man and keep droppin

I don't know why it's being slept on.
I mean, its not maginficent, but it's decent.

Your wordplay was on point, and you had a few multies and what not.
Decent Vocab.

Perhaps work on your structure a bit.
You had some nice lines, but none really worthy of quoting, ya know. But keep it up, because you certainly have potential, and perhaps you can be one of the vets on this site.

excellent drop. very nicely done even as a newb. flow was straight. multis and wordplay decent. the thing that impressed me the most was the vocab. most newbies arent on that level yet. well done. looking forward to seeing more from you

thx fo feedbak upppin

niggaz is sleep like an overdose of tylenol man.
more feedbak plz. dont just read it

Flow was pretty good - you could maybe try to complicate your scheme some - but that's just advice not really something that was lacking. Vocab was pretty good - rhymes were a bit simplistic though. This is something I was told about - it hurts the piece some when you include advanced vocab but still use simple rhymes. Interesting topic - you seemed to meld two ideas together - did so pretty well. Keep writing - hit my Lamentations if you haven't.

Oh wow... can we say Alias??? ha... you are odviously on an alias... you remind me of a cat... but i'm not gonna speak on it until i'm for sure... but yes very very nice dunny

everything was there... great... you just ripped the whole thing nicely good read i was feelin it... i mean... damn... you was on point ... processed emotion great kid... keep doin ya thang... an remember there is always room for elevation.. yep

Caesar - On3

uppin

uppin once more one or two more feedbaks would be nice