Slow Songs

your feeling was priceless;
a classic held to me
I would often lose myself
within your placid melody
at last it fell to me
and I picked up the steps
and you took the lead
when I slipped in the mess
you picked up the rest
now I didn't need to worry
the feet moved ever faster
but we were in no hurry
i tripped and it would hurt me;
you never ever laughed
through your lips of temptation
you smiled until the last
i couldn't arrange verbs
to explain the action
the workload increased;
no inclined place factions
could aid me in understanding
the way your toes tapped
it stayed me, incomprehending
the emotions slowly lapped
against the rocks we were on,
broken to smitherenes,
to the beat of a slow song
was I really so wrong?
had it taken so long
by myself to realize
that I just put a show on?
the tempo never changed,
the melody was seeking me,
it's not that I'm deranged
just cold and weak in the knees
and maybe it was because
I was afraid to take the chance
belayed by your romance,
and love, I really cannot dance.

N-demik-the path of burnt out candle smoke
Brix & Kwizickz-Old School Pervert (remix)

Be Well.

This was cool. I read it in SS & wanted to comment.
You had a nice story here that was apparant in
slight metaphors etc. Then you blatantly said it
outloud at the end. I was caught off flow once..
but that was just probably me lol. I like the way
your simplicity captures a piece. I'll have to try
my hand at it soon.pz

very simple...perhaps the simplest piece ive seen you do in recent times
but...it still told a story in its own right and had some depth behind the simple curtains
the end really explained alot...although there were subtle hints at the fact it was about dancing i didnt actually pick it up
and was there a 2nd meaning behind the verse?cos i thought it might have been a metaphor for something else
i'll make my own conclusion
flow was cool...etc etc..more of a poetic feel due to the structure
decent piece though
props

fin

I loved your simplicity in this piece..peace..Ha~Ha(Since you said you are getting rid of all the one liners starting next week I thought I should get it out of my system now :p You know I actually read your stuff! Peace bruh~)

hittin the roof.

This was a nice piece. Flow was good. Emotion was decent. I like how you ended it. Weird structure, but it didn't take away from the work. This was a really easy and enjoyable read. Nice jod.

Please drop feedback here:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...17#post1246817

This was an okay drop. It was a very simplistic structure and simplistic rhyme scheme. It was a nice little read though, I felt very confortable as I was going through it. It could have used more emotion and depth to it, but it was okay.
Nothing bad, just an average write...

This was good, brethren. I thought it should have beaten mine & am surprised with the current result. . If anything, I would scratch a rather ill-fated `multi` in the first few lines of the piece. Unless you were planning to throw a subsequent rhyme in at the end of each scheme, I thought it looked a bit misplaced.

Quote:

---

your feeling was priceless;
a classic held to me
I would often lose myself
within your placid melody
at last it fell to me

---

It might just be me. . Either way, the first four lines were outstanding. Contrary to popular Rapbattles belief, I am a fan of this structure, as is anybody outside of Rb. This was a breath of fresh air, if I may say so myself. I return to simplicity from a respectable source of quality. Thanks, brother.

Quality

thanks everybody....
Avah, the reason it looks out of place is because I actually write most of my pieces in long line formats, and then break the lines in half so it looks better...at least, I did with this one.

for example:
your feeling was priceless; a classic held to me
I would often lose myself with your placid melody
at last it fell to me............................


seee? it looks better in terms of multies, like that, but in terms of maven being ghetto fab, like this.

Maven.

You are a poet brother.

"
when I slipped in the mess
you picked up the rest
now I didn't need to worry
the feet moved ever faster
but we were in no hurry
i tripped and it would hurt me;
you never ever laughed
through your lips of temptation
you smiled until the last"

lol.. Tell me about it {shakes head}