-
Hateful Lover
..Hateful Lover..
I awake each morning... sweating, swearing and scorning
As I look toward the bedpost, and just sit there mourning
Daily, like its groundhog, I repeat this same lame routine
And for some insane twist of thought I hope it's a dream
So slowly I rise... and to my demise, I cry... it's real...
I succumb to the pain that I feel as my lungs break seal
Pissed at myself for allowing this type of suicidal situation
Pissed at probation for throwin' stress at me non-stop-
This is my life.. a horrible nightmare of scare for most
But for me it's a reality and that fantasy world is long off
So I sit and I stare, dully-aware everyday, of my bedpost..
..2 months later..
Lately things have changed and aren’t the same as before...
It's harder to breath with these machines.. my lungs are sore
I can barely sit up.. without pain, and if I do.. I spit up-
Blood, like a fountain of rain.. it's a shame I can't rewind
Cos’ if I could? knowing how fast it got me entwined...
I’d change my mind, give it up, and thank myself in time
But instead I lie as breathless as the restless in waiting
Contemplating, as my sad lone existence is fastly fading..
Suddenly like showering sparks a stark part of me dies..
In the next moment my eyes swell up with tears as I cry
This is the end, where death begins.. I lived my life as a lie.
And as the respirators pause and the alarms take charge
The doctors rush in and slowly fold up his withered arms
Unplug the breath machine & X-rays of lungs is not hard
No time to waste for another juvenile is incoming soon
Gotta' clean up this room and make it anew for another
That tried to be cool & inhaled the cancer dear as his lover.
Just something I thought of while smoking... Can't stand myself and I know that will be me if I keep goin'. Hopefully this time I can stay quit. Bad habit. Deadly habit. Peace.
-
-
I like the choice of title...doesn't give away what your going to talk about to the reader. AS for the actual written content...hmmmm...it was actually pretty good. Good...but not legendary...More imagery would have to be used for that with this type of story.
Not really much to comment on here to be honest...I can understand what you are saying exactly though. People don't realize how hard it is to quit an addiction...but yes, props to you for doing so. Stay clean...it'll help you in everyday life.
What do I like to see in every story though...are hitns of advanced writing techniques. Symbolism, etc... they really create a much more powerful message. Like here...you got ur point across in a good way...but it could be much better.
Good but not legendary...definently worth the read though. Keep writing.
Return the favour and reply to one or both of these please:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142933
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=143271
Thank You.
pz. god bless.
- T-West.
-
Thanks for the feedback T, i'll read the second one later tonight for sure.
Uppin for more feed back please.
-
i liked this...you're good...i liekd your style, i liked your structure, and i liked your flow...all were above average...it was a very self conscious piece, and i liked the self criticism...you made my list of mcs to watch...if you keep the standard of your pieces at or above this level and continue oto elevate, you may find yourself with an invite to divine diction in the future...
-
ive pretty much read most of your open mic's an lovin every piece. your style << much respect for that. your flow was nice and kool topik. yea i need ta quit aye...bad habit alrite... anywayz the rap...your lyriks pretty original...just keep up the mint verse's man...
......peace...oh and no harm in checkin a verse i spat....its aiight.
Shinobi and Bruce Lee ..vs.. Method Man and Dr. Dre
-
Appreciate the feedback, Uppin. Leave links and i'll return the favor. :)
-
you knwo what mind wrack...send me some of your links 9 if you have any) or work on other sites, or anything...i want to evaluate your talent...i always like to find good talent that is unattatched...
-
