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A Day at the Park
A Day at the Park
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Faintly tracing her modest leg's outline in question,
Tears falling gracefully through the confusion.
Heart skipping beats she grasps her husband's hand,
The weight of responsibility seeping into the sand.
Lifting her head in acceptance of the end's insistance,
Four-years-old playfully pushing his toy tractor in the distance.
The flood of emotion cannot be held by the weak dam,
Eye lids flickering as tears embrace existence' sham.
Right arm faltering as the droplets are wiped away,
Hazarding a laugh as her son tugs at her leg to play.
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Kissing her son on the forehead and attempting to walk,
Collapsing she kicks his tractor away watching him giggle a talk.
Turning he shuffles across the gleaming grass carefully,
Seamlessly preventing his witnessing of her mortal fatality.
Chest to the floor nature caresses her fading lifeforce,
Peering through one open eye she watches him crawl on all fours.
shaking violently her husband shivers a request into the phone,
Dropping it to the floor she hears the sound of a flat tone...
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Delicately picking up his gift, he finds his red tractor,
Turning precariously his beautiful eyes calculate the factor.
Deep blue eyes bulge as he waddles towards his mother,
Body convulging she shakes his very soul as he looks in wonder...
The seas of blue release their waves as he lies on her back,
Crying for his mother's ever nearing journey to endless black.
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"M...M-um....?"
Nothing special... Just emotional this afternoon and felt like writing something...
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Another nice peice fam. Good flow throughout with the nice short lines. There was straight vocabulary in this peice. There was alot of imagery in this peice which i liked and it really told the story. Good concept Chosen. Nice peice keep at it.
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Nice deviate....real nice.
Your constant mutlis, and great vocab always seems to catch my eye man....Every time im on RB and see your name, i gotta click to see something interesting.
This piece was nice, your rhyme shceme, vocab, structure, etc. was on point.
Witty idea, and topic
Nice Job Man
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Nice Dev...I like reading your work;you always come consistent in your drops and have good storylines.The storyline was cool and i liked the imagery.The imagery was well painted insied my had because you wrote your piece in a natural way and was emphasized by the emotion.No metaphor seemed forced or anything,very nice imagery.Your flow was good and solid.You had a constant good rhymescheme and the meter was on point.Don't know what more to say,except good job Dev.Keep them comming!Peace!
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There wasn't a main line of plot here, but I guess your plot was just to be emotive. I liked this piece. You usage of words could have been better at some points, & would have improved the piece but your piece as a whole was nice. I would have liked to have read the whole thing through the boys eyes. Your metaphors was really nice. I particurlarly liked the "weak dam" line. Very nice. & your most emotive line was "convulsing/shook his very soul", that was sad to hear but almost beautiful to read.
Honestly I didn't expect a good read, but you proved me wrong.
I'll be checking your pieces out in the future.
Make sure you leave feedback on this link-
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197815
,Brix
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I didn't get why the mother was crying and why she was convulsing or any of that. Maybe I'm slow. Emotion was good in the first stanza. It wasn't as good in the rest of the piece. This was cool. Keep writing.
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You know I usaully leave better feed than this, but oh my gawd my head hurts. Too much everything...
Well, this is the first time I've been a bit disappointed in you my man, not a major thing, but to me this just seemed uninvolved. Like you were just going thru the motions, kind of like you weren't in the zone, as you so seem to be in your other works. Agin, on that note, it's not abd read at all, just not at the level you have come to be associated with. Trust me, this is a common thing, everything I drop something less than what is expected, I get the same types of feed. Not bad, just no where near you best. Still enjoyed the read, and the emotion brought out in certain parts was good enough. I look forward to soemthing produced while in that zone.
