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Identity
this guy walks with a backpack full of books and markers/ wishin his past could be more darker/ hes dyin of dehydration of the real world he needs water/ he says hes already out of his mind how can he be any farther/ he walks with his headphones on/ blokin out the world that has already passed him on/ hes only about 5' 7"/ and walks and talks like he dont beleive in heaven/ his skewl veiws him as an outkast/ like he got too high burned out and fell fast/ but the truth is he doesnt do drugs a lot/ a few here and there to clear the brain clot/ he goes to class everyday/ he dont like to skip but he does it neway/ he doesnt do homework maybe he forgets/ he doesnt care about skewl or nething that comes with it/ he does have dreams he wants to be on stage/ he just wants to be up there knowin hes self made/ he sits and wonders about life/ about the future and wat its goin to be like/ is he gonna make it/ or jus go thru life to take shit/ fill the makeshift/ to kill the basic rapist.........
{chorus---"his foot is slippin worse than his life, he got tired of the day so he ran into the night, he doesnt know wats right he does wat he beleives, and he likes his even tho it bleeds, so he sits in this chair wonderin if its meant to be, sits here writing tryin to find out his identity"}
©so dont bite off me biatches... this one is still in the makin that was just a trailer^
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tell me what u think aight its still in the makin but its gettin there
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You need to get two links, to two OMs you left decent feedback on, or this gets closed, thanks.
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I thought the chorus was alright, could cut it down a bit. Time put into spelling and structure would make the piece look better. As for the message, there's room to elevate on your story telling. You brought in the concepts that you felt would help the reader to connect with the character, but they needed to be developed more. Maybe you tried to fit too much in a short period, because there could have been more description.
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