The Spirit Of Children

This was somethin I wrote when I had just left school [a couple of days ago] and I decided to go at it like a poetic scripture but with the flow of a rap...It's pretty different so make of it what you will...

An era is to close…A dynasty I suppose,
Loads of lonely roads…Thrown, hit and missed blows,
On top of them all goes… A message for the weak-kneed,
The strong, the peaky…You must at least see,
A peaceful treaty…Mixed with blood-curling hate,
Thought at this certain rate…You’d hit a pearly gate,
Worrying traits…That make all signals direct wrongly,
Probably tempted…To make us a wrecked atrocity,
Audacity, deranged bravery…Will save thee,
Jewels for the tasty…Haters get slavery,
Crazy maybe…But you can’t fail to see the logic,
In discriminatin fools…Who annoy you just to frolic,
Like an alcoholic…When emotions get outta hand,
Everything sways wildly…Most fail to understand,
What the hell is goin on…Its disgusting like a pie of tripe,
But everyone gets drawn in…Yep, even the quiet type,
If we die tonight…We’ll die together with no fear,
That’s the constantly loyal…Yet almost stupid atmosphere,
It holds out…Throughout this community of youth,
Revisitin it…Can bring out the immunity in you,
Its truer then bein true… A Government among Kids,
Yet harder to open up…Then unbreakably sealed lids,
In the midst…You always see the energy, that ain’t hard…
This is why nothins creepier than an empty schoolyard…



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...73#post2641873
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nice nice .... i liked this right here . and I knew what you meant by poetic scripture but rap . I liked this because It shows that you took your time to rap about something that happens in everday life . your flow was nearly perfect and vocab was great and a nice structure . next time add a decent hook and you would be fire

This was solid. I mean waht you were tryin to say. Waht jumped out at me the most, was you puttin rhymin words in that just rhymed, aint didnt go really with the storyline, cause there was no ther one you cud think of? but I liked the message here, good for you first *scripture* I guess. Keep elevatin mayn. and work on your rhym sceme.
Pz.

hey nice writing yo.. you have a excelent way of putting the words together and creating some interesting phrases.

ya'll covered the subject well with the subtle poetic approach.
internal rhymes was nice also... and kept the flow tite.

stay up yo

pz1

some parts even failed to rhyme ...

same letters at the end doesnt mean ''rhyme''

you need some better vocab usage, and your rhyme sheme is simple as 123
try to put in some more emotion aswell .. the immagery lacked in this piece aswell..

Hey Edicius... I know that u was just h8tin there cuz I told you yo verse on some collab was wack... Lighten Up Dawg... Anyway, thanx to every1 else...
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hey nice write kid i really liked the flow i read it once and kinda rapped it the second time and it sounded nice both ways big props kid nice stru.flow.some multies.but very very solid piece keep writtin and hit me up when u drop more it was a nice read i liked the emotion n it kid...much love peace

good verse

Thanx man...Anyone else?

i liked it. nice vocab, and i didnt feel there was much wrong with the imagery. some of it did seem a lil bit forced though. no doubt if you had spent more time on this you could of found something better to put in some places. keep doin your thang, keep elevating.

yo i liked the way you put things in that rap it was kinda choppy in the middle but u soothed it out at the end
-it was hot an i give you props from that battle even kno u toke more time its all cool though keep doin wat u do n stay up

i definatly see what you mean poetic but rap. almost perfect on every account, lines could of been tightened in places at the begining mainly. it was a different to others. 1

ya man, it cud be used as a farewell speech... well a intresting 1, ya anyway goodjob man i liked it

lol at hating, kid i own you .. in all aspects of writing

i left this feed, before you even dropped a reply on the collab .. so stfu.

It's good that you tried to make it complex by putting in multis, but some didn't rhyme too well and threw me off a little. Getting stuck on some words may have taken you off topic. The topic you chose to work with was good. The ending couplet was an alright closing to the piece.
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