a little misconception

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=215519
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...41#post2841641

a nigga's walkin along the streets da day right after a murder
he's gettin away from his girls naggin he don't wanna hurt her
he goes and visit's his boi who comitted da murder da day b4
he knocks and knocks and waits untill his nigga opens the door
he takes a walk in and stares and looks around and takes a seat
and yo this house is tight man he really just doesn't wanna leave
he lay's there and just kicks back and just makes himself at home
he turns around looks over the couch and on da floor lies a chrome
he turns around and acts natural as his boi comes to walk back in
he turns and gets one more look and see's 3 pounds of weed in a bin
then his boi walks in and sits down and lies a gun down on da table
then he sits back and thinks to himself yo man my boi seems unstable
he thinks silently to himself and says yo the justice system ain't shit
then his boi makes a move he jumps on da floor and grabs da 45th
then he realizes that he had to blast a few shots right at his boi
he put a hole in his boi before he could see dat his boi's gun was a toy
man damn he had merked his best friend over a little misconception
he killed his best friend and ain't shit he can do to make a correction


my first open mic

First off, nice story tellin skills man. flow was good too. Only thing really to say here for critque is up ya vocab, like u started out every line with he, or then almost. work on ur internals and multi rhymes too and ur shit will elevate like crazy.

peep these when a get a chance for me.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214926
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=215739

^^ight i'll work on dat

yo i wanna know wat ppl think about this it's my 1st open mic

Alright story, you set it up with a lot of detail. The imagery was a strength of the piece. Your wording will improve with practice, and you won't be setting up a bunch of lines the same way. Rhyming was real basic, I didn't spot any outer or innner multis. Structure was fine. Topic was solid, showed some complexity.

Meh Short Story Dawg, Good Piece Though Vocabulary Meh Man Try And Get More Structure Was Good. Rhyme Scheme Meh Try And Get That Man I Wasn't Feeling The Rhyming In Here Though Dawg. Also Emotion Meh Try And Make A Story Line That's Deeper Inside Naw I'm Saying Man>> Any Way Keep It Up Man Weeerdnesss

^^yea dis was my first one trust me i'll get better

short....had imagery....needed complexity...vocab..better wordplay...keep elevatin.~1~

this had some nice storytellin in it but it seemed like you rushed it too much, you probably could've expanded the story more like for example how 'his boi's' life is like, such as his family,etc. but you had some nice imagery in this, vocab was pretty simple, the (he's) and (his boi's) got pretty repetitive too, but keep elevating n you'll become a great om storyteller

^^thanx

Hey night dis is pretty good for your first OM.....Some things dat were wrong were probably everytime you started a sentence it started all wit da same few words or word......Put some multis in it cuz it seemed at times like it was just a story and not a OM,but overall it good......

that shit is straight man

fo sho

ight i want more opinions

You need to leave better, longer feedback, if you want your threads to stay open. Thanks. Closed.