Adversity: hard timez on me

Niggaz don't treat me right, they fuck with my emotions
the tears i shed can cause bigger scenes than waves in oceans
dont wanna let my fears get to my head i'm just tryna get by
wanted to talk to someone about my problems no1 would reply
thoughts about death in my mind, wanna commit suicide
couldnt be happy not once can't even elevate my pride
my real friends turned fake animosity from them bitches
the ones who kept my heart filled secrets turned to snitches
fights all around town i just feel like breaking a bitch face
spent 2 years in the crazy house, 2 years of my life went to waste
the hospitals i been to all suggested i should be on medication
on my private schedule to myself i had hard thoughts along with meditation
can't balance a happy mood in between the hatred in my eyes
even tried to kill my nigga because he told a few pety ass lies
don't wanna face a life in prison want my life to exceed free
how can i walk the streets proud if the police wont let me be
like the stars in the sky i try to keep myself high and shine brightly
whatz to have a good attitude about if i cry my eyes out nightly
when i was strapped down on that bed i thought about my baby who died
did the court think i was guilty or not the shit wasnt even justified
now i pray to myself through out my days to get my act together
to go through it all strong even if its stormy or rainy weather........

uppin for feed on this........ uppin..................

this piece was deep .... i liked the emotion in it, ur vocab wasnt too good tho, but thats no biggie, ur structure was pretty good, imagery was nice too.... after reading this piece all i can say is "keep ya head up".... i also liked how u opened up it was nice... way to hold it down for the females... keep droppin , return the favor on my piece http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=231230

thankz... ....glad you enjoyed it though..........

First things first. The key itself: The structure wasn't that good. The flow was choppy every other line. Some lines flowed coherently, but not eloquently enough. I think you have mad potential...but you're just not bringing it out. Maybe in a few years you'll be nice...as I see you're just a child. LOL..that's the mother coming out of me. Don't take offense...it's a compliment. Also...the vocab was too simple for my taste. You can paint pictures with words. If you have to curse to make a rhyme then try and find alternate words. Maybe even use a dictionary.

As for the content...I done been there, done that. Like I said...I think a lot of your elevating needs to come from within. Let go of the negative energy around you...fuckin with them young ass hoes. No good can come of it. I had to learn the hard way. If you're suicidal, get some help. I'm pro-psychology, and no harm can come from it...only good. Just whatever you do, don't kill yourself or anyone else. Do what you gotta do to make it in the industry, if that's where your heart is, but don't compromise yourself for "street cred" or bullshit of the like.

Keep practicing...keep writing...keep elevating. I'm waiting to read some shit from you one day where you blow me away. I think you'll be there in a couple of years. Stay up.

Its a blunt... "in your face" type of style that I gathered in translation of this piece... I don't know how much you are into formal writing but, it was basically looking like you got real pissed off and basically wrote it what you felt and did a quick job of making sure each line rhymed instead of rally putting any thought into making it a 3 dimensional, or in depth topic. It was ok, I guess as everyone else said it was lacking on the vocabulary side. It might've been interesting to see what would have happened if you played with the format of this, like writing from another person point of view... or breaking the story down into different stanzas. Well anyway you do you.

thanks.... uppin for feed back on this, honest........

i liked it, was REAL deep, enjoyed it, look forward to seein more of yo stuff, eh streetz, wat u look like, j/k, anyway, i liked it 9.0/10

upin fo rmore feed back on this

really ma...this was just a piece for the poetry section...(i.e. suicide refrences are a poetic dilemma)...so keep it in that section...overall this was simple and you just need to get smarter..wise up....grow up...

igido

tru if you say so yamean........ uppin for feed

uppin this for more feed back as well...
its kinda old by about a week or two but feed back on this please

I like this piece,cause u real,overall i like it .............keep ya head up...

I agree with Mocha, you got mad potential, i can see that. But your flow just aint on point, it falls off a lot. As i read it, i lose focus cuz it just wasnt really flowing. When you read it-it should be able to go with a beat, not just spoken words, you know? But you definately got talent, you just gotta elevate. Peace

yeah i know i gotta elevate. but so do you as well. thanks for youre feed anyways....