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Numb.
Numb
The Sense of Numbness
Afraid of the dark, dull shadows skirts my surroundings
frowning at the brown thing, on the wall that's pounding
feeling numb, muscles weaken spirit stole from my soul
I freeze with intensity, fall from my knees onto the floor.
The Cloathed Dimenta
It's consuming me, not physically but through my mind
My brain crashes and dies, tears fall but i tell myself not to cry
and since I'm so dillusional, the demon endures a tricky disguise
becomes my loving mother, but I deny the fake arise.
Burst of Hate
I rise to the lies, pushing off my thighs to stand up
Stood there, stared into the eyes, of the camoflauged dimenta
trying to punch at the villain, but my bloody fists go through
not even and inch of my strength effected this horrible truth.
Tell Me Why
What did I do to deserve this, how did this come upon
'No one man can defeat the odds': The Gospel according to john
So saying that no one can win, the dimenta burns through my soul within
I suddenly gain hope and confidence, I lift my fist and conduct a grin.
Good-Night
The end has now come, the numb feeling has finally passed
I have escaped from the demon inside me, thank god, freedom at last
But some advice, don't ever let your mind and soul take over
Cause you might be pushing your luck, your whole life you've been sitting on clovers.
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i liked the 1st 3 stanzas but the last 2 seemed seemed to jumo off rythm..
other than that this a nicely written joint packing dope poetics
had sum decent vocab and was worded nicely throughout
so all in all a most nice drop
stay up
hit my joint up
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=238957
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i liked the flow n concept. it was hot. i'm not tryin to hate or b dumb but i thought the last line was weak. it was hot though overall.
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I like the way this was put together champ...the flow kinda threw me off in places but i enjoyed this..on some old Stanley Kubrick(sp) type shit...imagery was real good i could imagine what was goin on..but i agree with Omni..the last verse kinda puttered out..but other than that this was pretty good
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You definately have the vocab and some concepts to drop some dope shit, but play around with your syllables and make sure they match up line by line a little bit, i lost the flow of it in certain places which took away from the peice... maybe try to shorten up your lines too, the faster and more directly you can get to the point you're trying to make will make for a more effective peice, though the descriptive words are nice, some stonger metaphors can do the trick a lot better sometimes...
~loOn!
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I liked the titles, it showed the progression. Some parts seemed cliche, like the tears and being consumed. You could fix the spelling of dementia, it was an important word, having it appear three times. I liked the wordplay in the closer, however it seemed you needed to set it up more, and it was longer than the other lines. But since it's the final line, you could pause after luck, and finish without being rushed.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=239411
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Definitely felt this. I liked verse 1/2 and 5, but ionno about 3 and 4, they got a lil' out there and shit. Vocab was on, but some of the flow got fucked up tryin' ta cram too much in and shit.
overall v. good tho mayne.
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there were ups and downs in this but for the most part structure was the flaw other then that content and relativley new ideas were there and i likes it.
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The Sense of Numbness had the best flow out of the entire passage. For the most part, I enjoyed this piece. All of the parts seems to be distinctively related to one another. Also, the structure and format of this piece was done very nice. You had some clever ideas in this piece
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dope. structure, vocab, wordplay, flow was all excellent.. very nice piece. very clever to.. overall i would have to give it a 9/10
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the whole thing was good but some parts could have been worked on a lil more other than that it was good
