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The Day I Tried To Live
The Day I Tried To Live
Looking past tears and thinking through fears, a little boy sat alone
Thoughts of spears stuck through peers, and of his mother's broken bones
A mass murder to take place in his home, Jason sat quietly planning
The age of seven, and for seven years t'was the Devil he'd been enchanting
Pictured his parents and sisters panting, he smiled a devilish grin
Contemplated his Lord's approval, will he be accepted for his upcoming sins
He was always a nuisence to everyone, to the Devil he was compared
Was constantly told he would end up in hell ..unknowing he was already there
Jason knew he was the chosen one of Satan, the wicked and anti-good
His life was only meant to cause pain and chaos, Jason finnaly understood
So he stood up in the sheer darkness, put his little feet upon the floor
Equipped with just a pen and his imagination, he tip-toed to open the door
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Walking slowly down the hall, gleams of moonlight shinging inside
Stopped at his older sisters room to take her with him on his ride
Remembered all her hurtful lies, she was sleeping with a smile
Awakens and randomnly starts to cry, she was screaming in denial
It has been awhile, since the boy felt the warmth of pain
The slicing of a vein, the countless lives he eternally staind
The people he'd slain, he walked with a hateful passion to the girl
Grinning the entire way, she yelled and did her best not to hurl
He sent her life in a swirl, she screamed please don't and hid
Laughing, he told her to go to hell... he'd see her in a min
Stuck a pen through her neck, laughed out loud as she bled
Her life was then property of Lucifer, Jason's hatred spread
Laid down next to her corpse, took a mental picture of the moment
Watched her body blow off as dust, forever loving the situations torment
Got down from the bed, wiped his eyes and walked out the room
Visions of a fiery Hell apeared, implications of his future tomb
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He approached his parents room, thunder and lightning striking
Jason opened the bedroom door, it was way too easy for his liking
For they were sound asleep, he raised his voice to wake them
They rumbled and got up, shrieked and screamed when they saw him
Quivering they both stood on their bed, Jason loved the fear
He walked closer and closer, they feared death as he got near
Didn't mind the tears, they didn't wanna believe this was real
Jason smiled calmly, asked them if they hated him still
Asked what was the deal, he opened and reached down the cabinet
Pulled out a brand new .22, he wasn't scared in the least bit
Jason pointed the gun at his parents, told them goodbye
And pulled the trigger once, it split open his father's eye
His mother screamed, he asked what was wrong, was she surprised
He got older but was never raised, she was a devil in disguise
Ironic, but now it was the end, she was to be dead for eternity
Her body and soul to be drained, only for Jason to see
And so he aimed at her head, she looked back crying
Pulled the trigger and ended his mother's life, dying
Both of their bodies dissapeared, their souls sent to hell
And Jason basked in his victory, his goal was finally upheld
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Jason turned around to the door, hells gates were getting nearer
But he stopped halfway and took a double look in the mirror
Jason now knew why they were scared, they werent on his level
Jason was no longer a little boy, Jason was now the Devil
The Devil laughed in the reflection, waved and left his body
Jason stood there all alone, realized the Devil he had embodied
Looked at his hands and cried aloud, couldnt believe what happened
When he asked for his rulers help this was not what he intended
His whole life he was nothing, just wanted to expirement with guns
But the day he tried to live, resulted in devestation of his loved ones
He just wanted to live, but there was no more point in this strife
So little Jason put the gun to his head..
...And pulled the trigger ending his life.
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dude that shit was fucking awsome!!!!! i loved it altough enormusly long it was worth the read. lots of multies and the story was really fantastic u truely have a lot of skill.
i love the part. where it goes :
He sent her life in a swirl, she screamed please don't and hid
Laughing, he told her to go to hell... he'd see her in a min
pretty funny. u have alot of creativity. keep up the awsome work kidd.
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Man this was probebly the best thing ive read all day lol. Only bad point was it was a little long but i have to say i enjoyed reading it all. Keep it up .
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Pretty good drop, Let just me begin with saying that at parts were some lines were stratched brought down the overall quality of this, And took away fromt he flow. Buth other then that the story telling in this was nice, Coo topic, Nice imagery through out the thing...
He approached his parents room, thunder and lightning striking
Jason opened the bedroom door, it was way too easy for his liking
For they were sound asleep, he raised his voice to wake them
They rumbled and got up, shrieked and screamed when they saw him
Quivering they both stood on their bed, Jason loved the fear
He walked closer and closer, they feared death as he got near
Fav part, keeping dropping....
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He approached his parents room, thunder and lightning striking
Jason opened the bedroom door, it was way too easy for his liking
For they were sound asleep, he raised his voice to wake them
They rumbled and got up, shrieked and screamed when they saw him
^That was good. it brought out a lot, and stood out the most to me. Your whole piece seemed this way. You kept emotion running at the SAME time as you explained what was going on. You went step by step, you threw in some fillers and you brought out the best in your writing. The piece looks well written and like you took a lot of time on it ..but I'm not going to say that cause some shit just pops in your head and doesn't even take THAT long. The length of this piece suprised me too ..I read and read and couldn't find flaws with it. and as long as it is, MOST of the time ..people make errors and mistakes that they forget to go over but you perfected it. I loved the piece.. the storyline was great. Sad but such a truthful ending ..sometimes people think it just seems as easy as killing themselves ..but it was a good read nontheless ..
Glad to read it ..
!Nash ..hit the bottom link in my sig ..
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Thanks for the indepth feed nash, i'll get at ur link.
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Okay, this was an okay drop.. but you seem to encounter
a few problems in writing that i also struggle to cure..
For example the simple rhyming, your 1st couple of lines
had some internals and flowed alot better then the rest
of your piece because of that and if you had put internal
rhyminhg throughout your piece it would of been much
better
Also a lot of your lines were a bit bland, thus spoiling the
consistency of the piece.. i saw your piece ''The note'' or
something like that a while back and thought you didnt really
suffer from either two of them flaws.. so you probaly just
need to be a bit more consistent and will improve alot as a
writer..
I DID like this piece dont get me wrong.. i thought the story
line was pretty nice.. and overall you organised you writing
very well.. i just like to point out what the flaws wee imo
so you can maybe improve
Feedback on the link in my sig would be appreciated
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this was a iight piece it was more of a story like thing it had no flow i wasnt feelin it that much though overall 8/10 keep writing
peace~kc
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Good peice homie...i was feelin the structure at first and nice and interesting topic
rhymes were good and complex...nice multies and sick smooth flow...
it made it an easier read and more enjoyable to read.....imagery and vocab was
this was a good read homie..keep it up man....peace
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go0d piece extremely long but good piece i was feelin it the vocabulary was ok as prophet said could use some internal rhyming but overalll good.... the multies were sick goood flow
Jason turned around to the door, hells gates were getting nearer
But he stopped halfway and took a double look in the mirror
Jason now knew why they were scared, they werent on his level
Jason was no longer a little boy, Jason was now the Devil
The Devil laughed in the reflection, waved and left his body
Jason stood there all alone, realized the Devil he had embodied
Looked at his hands and cried aloud, couldnt believe what happened
When he asked for his rulers help this was not what he intended
His whole life he was nothing, just wanted to expirement with guns
But the day he tried to live, resulted in devestation of his loved ones
He just wanted to live, but there was no more point in this strife
So little Jason put the gun to his head..
...And pulled the trigger ending his life.
^^^^ i loved that whole fuckin verse yo honestly i was on the edge reading this go0od job ~!~
