Spoken Deity 0-2 Vs. Fine Point. 0-0

Spoken Deity 0-2 Vs. Fine Point. 0-0

Checkins Due Thursday April 6th 11:59 PM Western
Verses Due Saturday April 8th 11:59 PM Western

Topic:Pain Caused by a loved one

Leave Four Voting Links In Checkin

In.

thanks tim

I've got time this week... 0-2... shit...
Good luck mate...
IN

At first I was sick, said life was forever abyss
But she gave me those feelings I thought would never exist
..This was a clever bitch, all along out to manipulate
Apologized every time, pout, and then stipulate
We'd make up, followed by her claimin' loyalty
Makin' promises- "baby this time it won't be the same story see..
..I wanna be with you for eternity, stay with you on every turn
even if your still coming up short with not a penny earned"
Damn bitch knew I trusted her, when I should have cussed at her
For not even helping out when I was fuckin' hurt
Her genius was amazing though, she would just play it slow..
As I confront her, she'd show that body like a famous ho
.
.
Soon I hit a boiling point, nonsense conflicts had me in turmoil, annoyed
Found out she dissed me.. then I COULDN'T stay poised
..I finally hit reality, seeing she didn't support my position
Went back in time, my mind took its course in a rhythm
Reviewed lie after lie, cry after cry, ALL the bad shit
A sudden outburst hit, "BITCH- THAT'S IT"
.
.
I refused to continue the issues, I was done with the drama
Really, I'm glad I never had a son with this mama
And yeah, my enemies joked. Plus I needed a remedy dose
The pain was necessary, as well as being dissed by plenty of folk

Out of this I learned lessons, as the hurt lessens..
Feelin' bad for the next person becoming a sucker to her messes.


I'm new to this so like, give me tips or something.. goodluck spoken.

quicky

Pain caused by a loved one…

Everyday is my own walk, alone with myself
Only to realize that alone resembles hell
She always knew it, that each kiss was a new scar,
A cell with endless bars, no sun, no sky, no stars
Only me, yelling in to the twisted tunnels of my mind
The clock whines inside as over time I’m hers
When wills she leave me be within my mental caverns
The only light is her eye, glimmering with mistrust
Locked into lust, with my flesh and bones turn to dust
And away with the wind, my soul dances on air
Sitting there with a net, giving back what she can spare
And within this warn out place, with my warn out face
I fall from grace and hit the floor hoping to find a sealed door
And with a dazed rage I brake down the imprisoning cage
I were long sleeves keep the scars from showing
Hoping for no tomorrow……
……Yet I wait for her call in the morning

spoken- i liked this story , it shows a side of love that not many people are willing to accept, the fact you know it hurts yet you keep coming back and waiting for it, nice drop i was feeling the rhyme scheme as well as the vokab, overall this was near perfection, only thing i think that you could have worked would have been the depth in which you took the reader, it seemed as if i only knew half the story

fine-this piece was good for the simple fact that you filled it with emotions, I think that with some practice you will be able to paint a better picture for the reader, I felt thislacked the completeness of a story and was rather just a bunch of instances, try to interact more with the reader give them something to connect with

v/ spoken, good drop by both though

decent battle yo fosho..was pretty even in a sense.. still i thought spoken stole this 1 coz he came with a nicer flow and style this time around.. and showed sum good poetry tricks with the plays and sliterations.......also worded the verse very well...
and also spoken excelled with nicer vocab usage... fine point needa give a lil more visual imagery@.. and be a bit more poetic or adventurous ehteir one< with the vocab and bring the linjes more to life either with worplays or mettaphors.




vote-spoken deezy

Fine Point:
Aight, this was an aight piece, man. You had some really good rhyming going on in points, e.g remedy dose/plenty of folk. But your biggest downfall here was that your verse just didn't have any substance. The content was too bland for me to get ingrossed in it. The character your were portraying was "dissed" by this girl, so you left her. I just wanted to know more in all honesty. Not a bad effort by all means, but not enough for me to read again. Props though..

Spoken Deity:
Man, I haven't read much from you, and from the start, this piece had a lot of potential.. but it just didn't fulfil it at all. Technically good, story was starting to interest me, then it stopped. Not enough writing for me to say, "that was a nice read". But asides from the lack of effort, this was a cool display of writing. You do enough to win, with a tale of no stability, and love. Not original in itself, but still good. Props.

Overall: Fine'll be a decent writer if he stays in SS, I guarantee it. Spoken just did enough to win.. yet I wanted a lot more from him. Props for showing guys.

Vote: Spoken Deity.

thanks for the advice.

First off I want to thank deity for dropping a much beeter verse this week, it show some potential.


Now just dig deeper and muster up soemthing even better for the weeks to come. This league is picking up and will not be kind to those belwo the curve.

Fine point, you had the idea but it just never delivered. Better luck in yoru next verse, try to give it more attention and try a concept that gets the creative juices flowing.

vote Deity for an overall better verse.

thx, I'm always writing my verses at the last minute on saturdays. I need to find stick it up on the fridge or something. thx

Spoken Deity wins 1-2
Fine Point. loses 0-1