Dream [ he's coming ]

yo he suffers from corrupted supper and other lung cutters
wit butter and pepper hes deader then deader
and wether he gets her, his head'll be wetheared
with, pollutant and poisonous food, wit poisonous fluid, & poisonous music, like this
he might just get up and set up a another geddup
and murder this bitch that tryed to murder him
this person is deserving a burial earthing
and did i mention he a cultavist and influenced by a supernatural clone of him
staring in the mirror he sees a demon standing right near him
yelling but he cant hear him
so he shatters the glass and pulls his head back
to step back stuff glass inside of a paper bag
walks to the store ask, if he can get a refund for whatever he paid for
and sits on the floor
the clerk calls him crazy! he gets up bags the lady shatter glass stabs her ass till blood splatters past
this kid runs home that fast till, he gets there jumps on his moms back starts to rip out her hair
i asked him what the fuck is wrong wit him
surely he ignores me shortly he starts for the door soon as the cops barging in
i see him dead on the floor and when i noticed his face
i realized it was i who he seen holding the chase.......

i like hte begiining and middle u fell off towards the end but its still a tight piece... good multis and nice flow. 1

You had a crazy flow, it had nice wordplay, mad internals, and overall it was a bit messy with the structure, and your rhymescheme was set more as an audio piece....however it lacked some emotion..had some pretty good imagery..but at the same time was very confusing cuz jumpd all over the place..which might have been the relevance of a dream..however it was kind of clutterd.and confusing..but it flowd nicely and sounded good...just underlying all that it could use some work...

keep up


favorite lines:

yo he suffers from corrupted supper and other lung cutters
wit butter and pepper hes deader then deader
and wether he gets her, his head'll be wetheared
with, pollutant and poisonous food, wit poisonous fluid, & poisonous music, like this

^^really felt ur opening...yet kinda messy structrue wise

-drop 2 Links Or Else Closed!

wtf im new wat dda fuck r linkz

closed no links

and brad u kno u bit this......

damn, im lovin that flow and that wordplay. you sick wit it when it comes to these om's. your vocab was out of this world. what did you do, look in the dictionary the whole time you was writin this? but on the real though this peace was hot and im lookin for more to come from you.

You had a crazy flow, it had nice wordplay, mad internals, and overall it was a bit messy with the structure, and your rhymescheme was set more as an audio piece....however it lacked some emotion..had some pretty good imagery..but at the same time was very confusing cuz jumpd all over the place..which might have been the relevance of a dream..however it was kind of clutterd.and confusing..but it flowd nicely and sounded good...just underlying all that it could use some work...

keep up


favorite lines:

yo he suffers from corrupted supper and other lung cutters
wit butter and pepper hes deader then deader
and wether he gets her, his head'll be wetheared
with, pollutant and poisonous food, wit poisonous fluid, & poisonous music, like this

^^really felt ur opening...yet kinda messy structrue wise

^^^^WERD.....

thx to all

i don't know why use of extensive vocabulary is praised so often when shorter words usually convey emotion better with a more rhythmic feel... the longer, four or five syllable type words tend to make writing more wordy and lose its emotion. Overall I think this was kind of average, a lot of other people seemed to like it quite a bit more than me, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I suppose. I suggest working on it. Oh, and the guy that said that little thing about smaller words carrying a stronger message was this dude named Shakespeare you're probably learning about in school... hint hint, greatest writer of all time. Food for thought.

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I HAVE TO HARSH ON YOU ALL NOW.
READ THE RULES.
CLOSED.

Reason: No links.. Read the rules.

-Brix.