From the Grasslands I Bring You

From the Grasslands I Bring You

Long, long ago, in the grasslands
of the basin land,
where the brazen hand of God
and the ancient tribe of Adam met;
seas of Angels wet
tears seared the garden gate shut.

The beasts of the Sahara
bled into Africa.
Macedonia and Athens
murdered paradise with reason;
here, high treason
became law enforced with swords.

Inside this blotch of city,
memories bid me
to tally by neon light
that filters through my window
the night into words
that I may kiss the way the wind blows.



-Onus

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301104
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301122

this was ok, had a nice idea, but could've came about it differently, i like how u stayed on topic, and told us exactly wat u were talkin bout, prolly would've been better if u explained it with a metaphor, but still nice, i like ur rhyme scheme and ur choice of words, topic was cut short and str8 to the point, prolly could've been alittle longer, with more internal rhyming to grasp attention, but i liked it

good shit, overal rating 7/10

shit-load of metaphors in there dude. but s'all good, thanks for the feed. up.

this was another short and sweet one...I like ya style...although short you provide the reader with just enough to want more.. The multi's were cool and the meta's were on point.. again the structure was aiight...The topics that you bring forth always seem to be different and that's a sign of wisdom...good shit homie ....KEEP AT IT....

thank you. up.

Okay, this is turning into a poetry forum fast. This isn't the poetry forum at all. Um, I'll take this for what it was. It was cool, but way too short for your concept to be fully developed. It ended so abruptly that it didn't bring together the overall meaning of your concept and/or your title at hand. This was alright, but give me a bit more that'll make me take something away from reading it.

got it. the only reason i put some poems on OM is because there's a rule about having 3 or more poems on the front page of PS so i post some here. but thanks for the feed and i'll deffinatly consider your advice.

This was a pretty nice read.

I'm not really into this kind of writing style, but this is actually the best I've seen it.
(Because truthfully I can't understand Atticus's and others)

I agree with Nique, you should have put this into the poetry forum, but I'll leave feed anyways. I think you should continue on with your writing, dont change, just come up with new concepts. Catchy title, and I like the way you had a diffrent rhymescheme at the end. Most just have the aa bb rhymescheme, but yours was unique. Keep writing. Check out my collab with LegendZ

the flow was dope, the content was great. The metaphor were very deep. I would have liked it to be a little longer, the ending was abrupt-->the metaphors would just pass over the readers head.

I really liked this. You should send me a message the clear the concepts up for me.

return the favour:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301252