The Graveyard: Pakaveli & Cliff.Hanger

The Graveyard

Pakaveli- Verse 1
Cliff.Hanger- Verse 2

View through the clouded Eyes...

Saplings seep through the veins of plants that root their spot
Worms wither without air as I wither in my graves allotted plot
Widespread willows wilt above my body and cover my grave
Flowers sent by friends mourning my death, R.I.P they gave
Simpletons will simplify the process and scientifically theorise
The process of my demise is more than it seems in your eyes
Lies were told by the man with the book who never knew me
The friends never loved me came and paid to add to my misery
A mystery what happens after you die? No lie you’re sold to die
After life is real the done deal that you feel your soul doesn’t fly
To any heavenly sky, petrified body lowered & thrown down hard
I sit back & recount the feet that trampled my body, in the graveyard

My thoughts Before my Burial...

My mind goin wild. but i am not able too speak
My thoughts are bleek, but i can smell the sinners body's reek
Under the earths crust, whare they lust too bust up and climb free
But they cant, cause it was there choice too rot 6 feet deep
But there only wishs is too dig thru and show the world that half flesh'd veiny hand
The grasp the top and pull thru to unvile the face of a insane man
But all these wishs will never come ture, im afarid there at a lose
Because at the moment there souls are broken, and bodys in-tangled with grave moss
But they anit all evil they had family's too
Lovein wifes and childeren, yupp just like you
They all dont deserve too rot whare the lay
They anit up in heaven, for little sins or parhaps bein gay
Should they be there, or not? the decion is hard
But while we discuss them cats be locked but in the grave yard

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Pakaveli, good read. You already know what im gonna say about your's.Good vocab,flow,wording ect. The same old stuff my friend lol. Nice.

Cliff, do not be so simple with a read. Bring it to the next level and have fun with it. Use your imagination. Wording was decent here, but lines were stretched. Keep everything solid, get rid of filler's. This was decent but i would enjoy it more if you used your imagination to bring out imagery and a high level of emotion.

Yeah good pointer thier thanks

cliff hanger if you would of put more feeling an emotion into the verse it would of been alot better bra and up your vocab could be a good use to drops like this i like the title on it you had some good lines but some of your shit was off like wat tha fuck are you talkin about but then once you read on i got wat you were talkin about but chea just next time just make sure you stay focuse on one point ans run your thoughts together like you kinda did inthe middle of you piece that all i really got to say for now

Pak nice drop mann one of the most decent drops i have seen in a while but chea keep it up bra

thanks appreciate the pointers.

dope verse pak. but cliff, try an elevate on the emotion an vocabulary in your piece. im kinda busy right now. so ill edit this later with some proper feed.

Pak you know what I thought of your verse.very good as always.Nice wording and some nice imagery.

Cliff my friend it was not a bad verse from you.This was the 1st thing I have read from you and I have to say you had some nice lines in there.Try to keep the structure together and try to pour some more emotion into your piece.Shorten you lines and keep them all one length or at least around the same length.Try to b e more creative and open minde about the topic.These are all pointers and i'm sure you will elevate the next time I read from you.

-Dyl

Wow thx for feed guys....Frist OM from me.......NIce feed

yo Pak I like your imagery its clear and your styles real poetic, cliff you've got skills and that ending was tight, pak overshadowed you a little no offence though.

peace

this was goo..

paka as always good emotion and image man i pictured it well and the vocab and choice of multies were good

cliff you did good for your first time man..it was nice im telling you but just etch on up with your vocab and especially with your emotion thats all man....and your good from there my dude!...

RTF both on Picture perfect and or AMOR'

Thx for feed guys......Up

yo i;m saying this piece had potential. but cudda went more deeper with all those lines. maybe told a lil more of a story. and many mistakes was made in second verse, being of the grammar type was shoddy

but i couldnt help reword a whole lot of it to make more sense out of it. he. so i edit.........


Saplings seep through veins of plants rooted to their spots,
Worms wither without air as I wither in my graves square plot,
Widespread willows wilt above my body covering my grave,
Flowers sent by friends mourning my death, R.I.P they gave,
Simpletons simplify the process, then scientifically theorise…
The process of my demise is more than it seems to your eyes,
Lies were told by the man with the book who never knew me,
Friends that never loved me came and paid to add to my misery
A mystery happens as you die… No lie we’re sold to die;
Afterlife is real, a done deal, yet maybe you feel your soul doesn’t fly
…beyond the earths crust to any heavenly sky.
This petrified carcass is lowered, then thrown down hard,
I sit back & tally the feet that trampled my corpse in the graveyard.

My thoughts Before the Burial...

My mind be going wild, yet I’m not able too speak
Thoughts are bleak, still i can smell these sinners body's reek…
Under the earths crust where they lust to bust-up and climb free
But they can’t, for it was their choice to rot 6 feet deep
But there only wish is to dig thru and show the world a half fleshed veined hand…
Then grasp the top and pull thru to unveil the face of an insane man
And all these wishes will never come true I’m afraid, they’re at a loss
Because at the moment their souls lay broken, torn torsos entangled in grave moss
But they’re not all evil, see they had family's too;
Loving wives plus children, yupp! Possibly just like you’
None of them deserve to rot where they lay,
They’re not up in heaven for little sins, or perhaps being gay,
Should they be there, or not? This decision is hard…
Since while we discuss this
Those cats are – locked down in the graveyard.


A Dead man Talking

You live but once, still can die many times
Going past the brink of death, seeing grim ghostly signs,
My mind is in the morgue, so now I talk quietly…
In case - I awake some phantom that wants to fucking fight me,
It’s funny that I’m alive, since I died inside long ago,
Hoes hated on me, so it’s no wonder that we came to blows,
Then I became exposed to erotic shows performed by sluts
Fingers were clutching on my nuts…
Since selling pale dust produced an amorous adrenalin rush…
Then…Damn! Those ill bitches done set me the fuck-up,
Just imagine if I was blasted, or bored in the guts?

R.I.P


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something like that . 5 minutes of editing can come in handy....

pz