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Speaking Silence
Speaking Silence
Black and white as the night speaks of my demise
As my heart pounds in the serenity of the stillness
Nobody feels my pain and nobody hears my cries
Anger shrouds my mind and body, I hate to feel this
Collapsed lungs, I breathe slow, but yet still harsher
Sucking me in like quick-sand, but none of it is real
I nearly found the light, but then it gets even darker
Taking quick gasps, but it takes it like a quick steal
Around every corner, figures form; all turned to flesh
The walls peel simply as the blood drips from all sides
I never knew what happned to the demon in my chest
So I tried to hide, but inside myself nowhere to confide
Glimpses catch my eyes, but images portrayed wrong
As if I didn't know what to stare at, eyes folded in
Faulty am I for taking the lives of many for so long
Memories chase me in this dream as I'm holding them
Surreal moments, but why does the chain link me here
I've done it once in spite, now I do it just for pleasure
Blood and guts strung all over as I'm not thinkin clear
Taking this too far and I've taken desperate measures
So the mind of a master craftsman, my mind plots again
Ever since the day that I had gone and bled my first
Did it once and ran from it; quitting wasn't an option then
So now I'll spend my life hunting until I've fed my thirst
Life is a terrible thing to waste, but not in my opinion
The night is loud, but no one hears it, I use violence
For as I wait alone, the slaughter takes comittment
So live it up, for it's moments until I break the silence
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You got the potential man, and this shows it. Once you figure out your wording, it'll do wonders. Just an example...if I take the lines
"Collapsed lungs, I breathe slow, but yet still harsher
Sucking me in like quick-sand, but none of it is real
I nearly found the light, but then it gets even darker
Taking quick gasps, but it takes it like a quick steal"
Ok, now this is not a bad set of bars, but you can make them better just by changing some words around. Try not to group a bunch of 1 syllable words in one line. So instead of "but none of it is real" say "but nothing's real". This not only makes the read mor interesting and elevated, but it evens out the syllable count of your lines. now both your first and second line have 11 syllables, which will help the smoothness of the read. 3rd line could do without the even, it is just an extra word that doesn't add anything to the line except an excess of syllables. And even if you do something small like change the 'but then it gets darker' to 'but it grew darker' you eliminate another syllable, giving the line 11 like the previous 2. 4th line uses a the word 'quick' twice which you want to avoid, it's not the kind of repetition you want. so instead of
"Taking quick gasps, but it takes it like a quick steal" , maybe do something like
"Taking quick gasps, but it swallowed the appeal". Once again this leaves you with 11 syllables, and better woding. So...
here is what you had originally
Collapsed lungs, I breathe slow, but yet still harsher
Sucking me in like quick-sand, but none of it is real
I nearly found the light, but then it gets even darker
Taking quick gasps, but it takes it like a quick steal
here is how I have it
Collapsed lungs, I breathe slow, but yet still harsher
Sucking me in like quick-sand, but nothing's real
I nearly found the light, but it grew darker
Taking quick gasps, but it swallowed the appeal
read them a few timesa and see if you can notice the difference.
Apply these things to every bar, and you'll notice a major difference. or ignore it, im tired and rambling and maybe everything I'm saying is retarded..I dunno.
Anyway, on the whole, this drop was very nice, emotion was well done....imagery could maybe be upped a little bit... like I said man, you have the potential, you just need to learn how to tap into it. keep dropping, and i'll keep replying
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Thank Lyric....uppin for more please
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Much tighter stuff than your 'You'll Never Know' verse. This displayed much stronger use of imagery and rhyme. Though, as Laureate pointed out, pacing out of rhymes within lines would improve your flow. I also see some internals scattered throughout, and your ABAB rhyme scheme structures your comments well. I liked alot.
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Is this supposed to be a poem rather than Om? In the begining I found an alternating rhyme scheme but then eventually that broke away aswell and I was left just reading words. It really took away from the contectual integrity of the piece cuz I found myself just searching for some sort of structured rhyme scheme and it just wasn't consistantly there. Maybe you were rhyming with internal assonance or something, but if you were you need to load up the piece with alot more, and have different types of rhyming surrounding the assonance so that the piece continues to roll instead of breaking fluency. So, decent piece, I didn't really get into it like I said, because of the indefinable format of the piece. Keep writing though.
If you could...
'The Central Artery'
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Black and white as the night speaks of my demise
As my heart pounds in the serenity of the stillness
Nobody feels my pain and nobody hears my cries
Anger shrouds my mind and body, I hate to feel this
Collapsed lungs, I breathe slow, but yet still harsher
Sucking me in like quick-sand, but none of it is real
I nearly found the light, but then it gets even darker
Taking quick gasps, but it takes it like a quick steal
Around every corner, figures form; all turned to flesh
The walls peel simply as the blood drips from all sides
I never knew what happned to the demon in my chest
nice opener...though i agree with laureate....some lines could hav e been word'd better to better your use of wording and your use of creativeness and emotion and image...this painted a nice picture no doubt but somewhat just threw me off just a little here and there but none the less a stellar verse.....i think your best by far...from what i have read from you....your style is more like a poetic style so try out in poetic scripture aswell more often....though ABAB is used just as much as AABB...still found your verse somewhat unqiue and just example of pure improvement!...
keep writing.
RTF on my poem.
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hey man, all and all this was a pretty dope drop. i liked the extensive use of imagery that you protrayed throughout the whole verse. only thing that was a problem for me was following your flow/rhyme scheme throughout it. def great potential just work on getting your rhythm to become more apparent to the reader. other then that little bump i think this was def one of your better works. keep at it.
