My Rendition of reality: It's a Play

My Rendition of Reality: It’s a play

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/8572/stagepf0.png

“An artist who renders his painting does it so for praise
A musician who renders another’s work does it for tribute
But when God rendered us. he rendered us as a punishment”

A heart beating behind a padlocked cage namely ribbed & boned
Skills owed to a being never known, honed his life as he homed
Dark & desolate stark realities create pessimists, preaching alone
Cold men deviate the foam of pleasure, their heart turned to stone
Phone God on 333 but why not phone his double on 666, queue cut
Tricks subdued the paper-mâché again glued, a stripped clay hut
Housing artilleries of tricks and taunts that hurt the frail boys bones
Over dated moans dormant in crusty shells passing in Hades domes
Bursting bubbles & shooting storks with embryos dead and loaned
Given as presents once sealed by Mr. Deaths bargain boot car deals
Haphazard and hapless a happy man given least success he owned
His word & dreams; auctioned & thrown at the bidding devils heels

“Life is precious, have you not heard of the Sanctity of life”- A higher being

“I bid 20 cents” – The American President

“I bid 20 pence”- The devil

Lost in translation, sly devil slyly bought a body from a broke being
Omnipotent & All-seeing, the Lords sits & watches the play screening
Demeaning dolls put on displays for window shoppers to drool over
Blind man watching obscene material reading the bible, plus a clover
He puffs out from a weed sprout sold to him by a local dealer from hell
Straw tube filled with leafs & soot only believable by the sense of smell
A boxed world in which many wonders live only to be shut back down
A crying clown & a dying deity, a play see & he’s just the stage hound
Never the lead role, so he made us the paper where his ideas ground
…..….We act he watches, we fail & the reaper puts on his night gown

New Production: Freedom of Terror

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=315956
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=315947

I didn't like this piece at all. Sorry for the distaste, but I've seen you do waaayyy better than this. Look at it like a line graph. Your slope increases, stays consistent and dope and with this the slope becomes negative. I didn't like the vocabulary, and there were some mispellings in here that damaged the consistency. I didn't like the story, and it was boring. I'm used to more action and literally 'happenings' in pieces. Overall, this wasn't good.

Thanks i preciate that, but i prefer this to my last pieces..idk but yeah i appreciate the honesty.

I disagree with exact, I like this piece, probably cuz it's more of a reflectional piece than an active piece. Your rhyme scheme in this was different than I've ever seen you use, but it worked out. I wish the lines had been one word shorter so they weren't so hard to read lol. Your flow was great and you had some dope multies in this. You used a lot of imagery and emotion which is probably why I liked this piece so much...idk cuz I've been kinda in a reflective writing state too so this piece appealed to me. please hit up the link in my sig

hmmmmmmm I don't like this peice as much as I usually do when it comes to you, it just wasn't as creative and abstract as your pecies usually are, your story was decent, and I was definitely feeling the message, but this just didn't stand out to me as a dope peice, it got kind of boring half way through and to be comepletely honest, I struggled to finish it, which does not happen very often when I'm reading something that you wrote, so yea, not bad dude, but not as good as you can do, nowhere near it. Everybody has off days, and I know all about that because I've been in a slump recently, so yea, keep at it dude. Peace.

Yup Up^.

iight seriously this was a good piece not great like usual from you but agood piece no doubt....

i just felt like you didnt go all the wa or ina sense you kinda forced the topic.....you had nice set ups but like in some areas you seemed edgey to me but you did nice in vocab yes and emotion yes but on the consistant part i agree with EX....it was ike the story was everywhere...idk...but this wasa good piece dont get me wrong....i mean you write beter than me no doubt but i am justs ayin that i really felt this piece yes in the sense of how it was portrayed and written but how it turned out was kinda iffy and bland.....but its koo i still liked the read!..

yup you know what to do....link in the sig its a freeverse collab from me illthoughtz and phade aka LW truth LW

Theres only one theme in this whole thing...it's my thoughts lol...i'll check all linkages soon no doubt.

this was hot
i was feeling the story and it was very original and creative

overall= 8/10

nice drop

you got a nice style mos def, heavy on the meta lean,
which was coo, though i would have liked there to have
been some more definitive dialogue, as sometimes i feel
you can have to much metas, your wordchoice was on
point, and the flow was real smooth mostly, the one
line i wasnt feeling was the 333 666 line, it was choppy
when i read it, the emotion was ight, i felt the second
verse more, as it for me revealed more of a insight into
the concept of the peice, ill style

keep rippin those scripts...

if you got time here is a link to one of minez...peace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=316236

Haven't dropped in on you in a while, so here goes... I liked the story in this, for one thing, the tie-ins you used as a play being your metaphor were pretty cool... as usual there is some mystical connotation to the vibe here, you tend to do that a lot which is good for interest... my problem is the lines were so stretched, it seemed like as a reader I had to get through a lot of words to get through every line, they just seemed a little cluttered. Sometimes the meter was good, sometimes it wasn't. But that's my only qualm. It was enjoyable enough to read, but like most ppl seem to have said, I also think that this is far eclipsed by some of your better work, this seems to just be a blip in your mind.

Yup lines were longer in this lol...but yeah i'v been writing to much so i can't get the best out of myself, thanks for the comments though^.