"She is the architect of sorrow" Pt. 1

"A boy, 16, was shockingly discovered dead this morning by his unsuspecting parents. Unable to comment at the moment, a speaker for the boys father said:
'James was a pleasant and humoured young kid. His friends, his family and his own personality got along famously, and personally i don't know where to begin with finding the cause of such distress'
A full police investigation has been initiated by the boys family out of disbelief that it could have been a suicide..."

Inches from death she
measured it haplessly
with finger spaces and a toothy smile,
out comes the sun; a giggle
when a tear cuts a line of mascara
down her lost
fragile
cheek.

A spineless, ignorant
independant
...problemless soul
stares,
undisturbed by her discomfort;
a teddy among many
from the train parked
in the 'Me'
Myspace
album.

Distinct dead gray light
nourished the dust with silence
save
for the midtone of future regret
following her
turn of the nervous hilt.

Pale intentions throbbed
from the surface.
But within was something
of unwelcome
certainty...
A ghostplane
crash landing on
a tasty copper runway.

'Dope', is the first word that comes to mind here i cannot believe that this poem in being slept on at all lol, guess Rb does this alot. The creativity i liked and you tied in this piece with the death of this kid very nicely, your detail and indepth study was awesome and the emotion about this piece was fucking good lol, i liked your choice of vocabulary and the grammatical side to this was great because each line just flowed and read very well. The first stanza hooked me greatly it ran nicely into the piece and its description was good how you even went to were she is putting on her make-up getting ready and ish, your middle two stanzas kept the piece flowing nicely and the ending was just great it finished the piece off so well. Thanks for the read fam.

-Thomas.

Okay, short feed... i loved this piece, i'd definately say this is my personal favorite, but then again you probably have a comment upon why my opinion is that! i read through this piece in the same way i would listen to a buddy wakefield piece... in the sense that the pauses to begin with were beautifully placed... for example of buddy wakefield using that in order to almost create tention or suspense would be 'spending money on things that break to easilly....like....people' and that usually doesn't work for me as it can also come off as forced and completely un-needed, yet you pulled it off. There was slight bits of that nearer the end i wasn't too sure about such as 'save' & 'following her' it just kind of seemed off to me in that part. Either way, the pre story line within the quote really worked, once again it gave a sense of tention and leads beautifully onto the indepth story line... very nice piece here.

I really love this peice.IT was a very emotional read and I could really feel what you were talking about in this story. alot of imagery dealt with and it also had a great storyline.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dat

Inches from death she
measured it haplessly
with finger spaces and a toothy smile,
out comes the sun; a giggle
when a tear cuts a line of mascara
down her lost
fragile
cheek.

---

Here Im guessing you are talking about the mother of this boy. It was great detail of the emotions she had felt during this.I also liked this choice to have as an opener for this kind of poem. Although my favorite part of this was

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dat

A spineless, ignorant
independant
...problemless soul
stares,
undisturbed by her discomfort;
a teddy among many
from the train parked
in the 'Me'
Myspace
album.

---

I knew what you were talking about and it was preety creative and dope...

Dope piece Dat.. I would like first to say that the creativity was sick.. Your choice of vocabulary throughout the piece was very detailed but yet the piece was short and to the point. I liked the topic also and the way you wrote to it.. I'd feed more but I'm bout to be out.. Great Job and keep writing

Thanks man, appreciate all feed. Leave links, even if you're just returning a favour, let's keep the chain of feedback going!

Dope piece man, i liked the little commentary in the beggining it really did set the mood of the poem. Good usesage of words man you really put me in the mindset of the characters, structure aided this piece wonderfully, I believe we have a hof'r good job fam.

Wow, thanks alot if you're actually gonna nominate it bro, haha.

All keep on the look out for part 2.

you deserve it and whenever you find it convient can you leave feed....