Burnt Syllables

WAIT! Before you read my lines, let me just put a lil' disclaimer. This is me taking a crack at Odd Future style rap. Y'know: Violence, Misogyny, Rape, stuff like that. That's not a reflection of how I really think, I just thought me doing a verse like that would be cool. Really, I'm a nice person, I donate to animal shelters and everything. Okay, that last parts a lie, but I am a nice person. Anyway, here goes nothing.
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I’m mean to women cause they never fuckin wanted me
Never gave me a chance and always fuckin’ taunted me
Well I’m bout to get revenge on all these stuck up sluts
I’m talkin shove my 9 inch deep into they guts

Take out her skull and use it as a fucking paperweight
Need some paper, write down names of bitches that I wanna rape
Then set out to trick em and fuck em, maybe in their face
With some rope, some pills, alcohol, and some charming ways

I don’t think I’m crazy, I just think I’m really immature
Don’t like the way I dress? What the fuck you niggas lookin’ for
Fag-ass niggas wanna jump stupid and act bold
I make em fall down like Charlie Brown kickin’ field goals

Nigga say nobody buys my fuckin Cds
Little does he know his gf buyin’ ALL my fuckin cds
Gave her a freebie and then told her to come see me
Kneeled her down and pounded her throat until it was fucking bleeding

I'm insane in the brain, bitch
Still yellin' that same shit
That "Fuck Bitches, Get Money, Skateboard, and Game" shit.

Burn her family portraits up and ask her "Do ya get the picture?"
Then whack her dad in the face with a light fixture
Lamp. I should start up my own camp
So I could teach kids to set fire, smoke weed, and get pussies damp

Afterwards, I buss a nut on her and tell her clean herself up
I know you unconscious but you better pick yourself up
Hear the sirens, set the house on fire 'fore I buss out
Left her loved ones dead on the family couch

Crack, Coke, and Crackerjack
Now it's time to wrap it up
Bend her over and crack her back
Of course you pregnant, bitch, I never wrap it up

I Bussed a nut in her, went to sleep, that’s it, The End
Pushed her off a cliff and said she went off the deep end.
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This was good. If your still looking for your own style of rapping, this would be good for you. I highly suggest though you find something rather then rape if you use dark tone in your rap. I too am expermenting with this type of dark tone and I perfer useing topic such as rape, necrophilia, kidnapping, drugs and murder/torture, but I'm still looking for something more unique. I suggest you do the same as you want to me orginal instead of rapping as a fan of OF. Other then that, being that your new to this site, grete use of rhymes, words choice and I loved the humor of this piece. Great piece.

Take out her skull and use it as a fucking paperweight
Need some paper, write down names of bitches that I wanna rape
Then set out to trick em and fuck em, maybe in their face
With some rope, some pills, alcohol, and some charming ways

^this was fucking awesome

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...465/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...html?p=8290117
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...607/index.html

Quote:

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Originally Posted by WhatsHisFace

This was good. If your still looking for your own style of rapping, this would be good for you. I highly suggest though you find something rather then rape if you use dark tone in your rap. I too am expermenting with this type of dark tone and I perfer useing topic such as rape, necrophilia, kidnapping, drugs and murder/torture, but I'm still looking for something more unique. I suggest you do the same as you want to me orginal instead of rapping as a fan of OF. Other then that, being that your new to this site, grete use of rhymes, words choice and I loved the humor of this piece. Great piece.

Take out her skull and use it as a fucking paperweight
Need some paper, write down names of bitches that I wanna rape
Then set out to trick em and fuck em, maybe in their face
With some rope, some pills, alcohol, and some charming ways

^this was fucking awesome

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Thanks for the feedback! And yeah, I see what you mean with the rape stuff. I like the dark tone of OF and thought it'd be pretty fun to use, I'm still kind of finding my voice though.

Wording and rhyme scheme was far too basic. But at sixteen, with Santana as ya favorite rapper...I can see why. Wording is really basic, maybe try using synonyms with a bigger impact. Instead of a word you see or hear everyday. Ya know? Rhyme scheme is obviously important too. Try using more multies, and at the end of each line use a multi syllable rhyme. Like instead of...

Kill this bitch, so that she knows I'm sick,
wake up one morning with a pencil in her clit.


You go....


Kill this slut, spill her blood like a waterfall,
pills build up, fill her gut, my gunshots wonder off.

Thus the flow extension? Keep elevating and find deeper concepts. Be more creative when you write. Hit up once upon a hero and breaking dawn. You'll get better examples.

This is good coming from a newbie as u are new to this site cause this piece shows you've got rhyming skills and your flow was there but still needs to work on. I like this type of piece once in a while, so its cool for me. Practice multis and inners and just keep writing generally, you'll get beta.....peace

It was alright. I'm not much for songs about raping women and shit like that. I think that's kinda fucked up. But judging just by your rhymes alone, I'd say you did alright for a youngsta.

Quote:

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I'm insane in the brain, bitch
Still yellin' that same shit
That "Fuck Bitches, Get Money, Skateboard, and Game" shit.

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As simple as it may seem, that was probably my favorite part of your whole rhyme. That's the kind of basic, in-your-face, no gimmicks type of rap that I do. A lot of people don't like that kind of rap, but, who gives a flyin fuck? Overall, I think you did an alright job. Just work on your content. Thanks for the read, I appreciate it. Keep rappin.

This was pretty cool for about the first half, it declined after that as it got less creative, and your rhymes slipped a bit. Looked like you were excited to finish and just hurried to wrap it up, lol happens to everyone

For the record, i hate Odd Future, they are talented but their satanic shit and the style of their music just ticks me off for some reason

But this wasn't like that. This hit me almost more like biggie when he talks about rape (like in "Dead Wrong")....it seemed like rather than advocating this type of behavior, you were just telling everyone how wrong it is by freaking them out with your lyrics. Lol if that makes sense

Anyways some cool rhymes and imagery and stuff, like i said it slipped a bit towards the end, but here are my favorite bars:
Take out her skull and use it as a fucking paperweight
Need some paper, write down names of bitches that I wanna rape
Then set out to trick em and fuck em, maybe in their face
With some rope, some pills, alcohol, and some charming ways

The skull as a paperweight thing was inventive


Lol stay up, you got some skill man. Keep rockin this style if you think its the right one to channel your creativity.

peace....and hit this up if you want: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...750/index.html

I thought it sounded alright, but if you wanna be dark in your raps try to make it as a simile or metaphor that relates to how you murder people in your raps.

So you wanna talk about rape

When this bitch stepped to me she took a double tape
I lassoed her asshole shut with the dick of Norman baits
She thought she could take me but the rope and plastic say she won't soon get another taste
I canned this bitch like cannabis now her eyes are all puffy she couldn't reach for her can of mace

Really I am saying I am rapping you and your the bitch, I am not just directly relating to rape. I am using it as a angle to rape you with words