Originally Posted by
TheIllyricist
Short, concise, loaded with multiple meanings. Nice looking poem, man. That intro was worded so specifically that I can tell you put some serious thought not only in the words chosen but also the punctuation. Comma placement was on point and gave the right effect, and it also gave the right pauses so the reader can take a moment to think about the phrases (which ultimately helped a lot to gather more than the single/literal meanings of the words). 'Explosive motives', 'mutiny stirred race'. Loaded with political content right there, and vague enough for the reader to add onto it and really think especially when we're talking about conspiracy theories within the government. Not many things I can pick at, but what I'm losing here is what these things mean to you. I can't get a feeling, or an emotion. This was so structurally well crafted that it obviously means something to you but it's missing from the piece itself. It's a personal thing to me that the greatest poetry means something fierce to the writer and that floods into those who are reading it. As it stands, this is really fucking good. But, for me you're simply inches... Just inches from incredible.