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Passion
Passion is attraction
Induced by intuition.
It is the fuel that forms
The fruits of fruition;
And the means of amassment,
Amazement, ambition, amusement…
Passion is that which turns stagnant to start,
Ensures that deafness will hark,
And creates beautiful art.
But these things are all possible through passion
Because it stems from the heart.
<3 walker black
walkerblack, welcome : )
How good is that? That's great.Quote:
Passion is attraction
Induced by intuition.
It is the fuel that forms
The fruits of fruition;
You've got a healthy beat through this with nice tone
and words that work well imo. The rhymes flow well too.
But of course the most important thing is the msg you bring and yours is a good one.
Great load of words ricocheting with speed, giving another spin on it, giving us more to delve into.Quote:
And the means of amassment,
Amazement, ambition, amusement…
Those words hold grace and power. Especially that middle and end line.Quote:
Passion is that which turns stagnant to start,
Ensures that deafness will hark,
And creates beautiful art.
Personally I don't think you need the word 'But' at the beginning there.Quote:
But these things are all possible through passion
Because it stems from the heart.
To me it seems the 'But' here is saying 'But for...' this and that, yet that's not disputable here because you've laid out all
the good stuff and no one's arguing it. I would just start it with 'These things are all .....'.
Just my opinion and nothing more.
As for the last line, I liked it, but a part of me thinks that you're a pretty in tune writer and that maybe you could have delved
just a little deeper to come with something a little more organic and just a tad less cliche'.
Outro's are the last taste that we get of your piece, the feeling we're left with that stays and lingers with us.
Your piece left me with a fresh reminder from a new point of
view of what passion is.
That last line, although good, took it down just a tiny notch for me. But hardly anything here to complain about tbh.
You're obviously a talented, sensitive writer who's got a good grasp of the craft.
Well done walkerblack.
Good read.
Looking forward to reading more from you.
I dug this. I liked the alliteration though I could see how some would be put off by it. Much like emily I didn't feel the word 'but' was needed in that second to last line perhaps 'all' would have been better. Also, something I'd avoid is the repition of your title. It's as if you're wasting words. We already know you're speaking of passion, what of it? Other than that good read l. I'll definitely be reading more. I enjoy your style.
The first stanza is really well written. Very concise and to the point. Your sense of rhythm and how language moves is evident and a powerful facet of this short poem. I love the listing words as it picks up the pace just at the right time and then eases off the accelerator and puts us back into your tonally smooth phrasing. I feel some of the word and phrasing choices in the second stanza brought the overall quality down a little, and I feel at times you were sacrificing meaning simply just to use poetic language, such as 'deafness will hark'. As for the following lines it felt a little lackluster, as though the strong opening voice had slipped away a little and the completion was just a formality as opposed to a well thought out ending. Overall really nice work here man, keep dropping :)
Wow, it means a lot to me that you took time to provide me analytic feedback like that.
I actually wrote this piece as a part of my art final, which was a painting on a hand gripping a human heart. The image was in itself supposed to symbolize what passion is, however I didn't feel that would be interpreted by many. To account for that I painted a scroll next to the hand/heart and scripted this poem to make things clear...
Thank you for the compliments and thanks especially for taking the time to read and think about what I wrote.
walkerblack
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Wow, it means a lot to me that you took time to provide me analytic feedback like that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily
I actually wrote this piece as a part of my art final, which was a painting on a hand gripping a human heart. The image was in itself supposed to symbolize what passion is, however I didn't feel that would be interpreted by many. To account for that I painted a scroll next to the hand/heart and scripted this poem to make things clear...
Thank you for the compliments and thanks especially for taking the time to read and think about what I wrote.
walkerblack
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Thanks a lot! I do agree with you about the usage of "but" there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Truth Iscariot
I appreciate your support
walkerblack
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I for sure understand what you mean about the ending seeming a formality. The truth is that it was one... Check out my reply to Emily above. I'm glad you enjoyed my writing :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Poeta Demonio
walkerblack
i'm kinda surprised i missed this piece. it's pretty great with the alliteration and the progression of it. at first glance it doesn't seem like it would hold as much weight as it does. it reads really well, every line rolls off the tongue. i'm with everyone that said, the 'but' on that second to last line wasn't necessary and it created a weird break that didn't need to be there. overall, i don't really have any other complaints other than that. the last line is fucking great.
Thanks sir! My but usually causes some type of issue these days. I appreciate your appreciation : )Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukon