Dust Biters

You cross that man on that dirty street
when did you decide, your eyes should never meet?
You pretend not to see him, cause you really don’t care
You know life's a bitch, but this bitch ain't fair
You cross that man on that dirty street
You turn away your look
Isn't it strange how you can't read, even an open book?
You cross that man on that dirty street
You think he’s one big lie
But unlike you, this old man, doesn’t need to falsify
You cross that man, on that dirty street
and leave your shadow of gloom
He’s helpless and weak but still you keep, humming your happy tune
You cross that dirty street with no man
Suddenly your gut feels weak
You start self-pity, you start the blame
Your heart isn’t able to speak
You could have done more
You could have said more
He needed more from you
But just like him, in a twist of fate
You’ve become a victim too















http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...oodsuckers-Zen
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ATTENTION Emilyinthepool,

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posted wrong version. I'm trying not to say damn it.

^but you already did lol.. cool read btw.. a bit on the simple side tho, but it works for poetry. I don't know much about poetry other then some old ones I used to read and write when I was an emo teenager years ago lol but this seemed enjoyable. Loved the "homeless man" here today gone tomorrow angle of this, think it could have ended much better though with a bigger impact but still cool. would liked to have seen more in between the hook to not make it so redundant rather more familiar when you see the key phrase.

I liked and disliked this at the same time. There were a few aspects that truly stood out, but the repetition nearly overshadowed them. I understand the point of the repetition and in many cases it can be useful, but this time it didn't make it as impactful IMO. There were some great original lines and my favorite were:

You know life's a bitch, but this bitch ain't fair
Isn't it strange how you can't read, even an open book?

The ideas and contradictory wordplay is done well. I think technically, there's some tightening up that can be done. As far as arranging that second sentence I would've gone with "Isn't it strange, how you can't even read an open book?. It just puts the break in a different space and makes the rest of the idea flow better.

The overall theme of passing someone by, but then also coming to realize you get passed by too is potent and I think you tackled it well. Hadn't really read much from you yet but wanted to return the read. Keep it up.

You turn away your look
Isn't it strange how you can't read, even an open book?
^Nice.

There were a few other lines in this that stood out to me as well, mainly towards the end, but that was my favorite. If I have to be honest, this was a bit of a downgrade from what I've seen from you before, but the ending was great. Especially the last line. Cool stuff guh.

This reminds me of the 'orange you glad i didn't say banana' knock knock joke.
anyway, I think your wording is where you biggest need for improvement is. Just general
structure and word choice, maybe even where you put commas and such. I wasn't
the biggest fan of the repetition but I understand why you used it. Maybe just one less
time or a new take on the same idea would have worked well.

"You know life's a bitch, but this bitch ain't fair" is a good line but it's been used to death
in everything from mainstream rap to poems.

The idea/theme was good but the execution could use work. Wording was my biggest
issue with this.

Edit: After reading this I want to clarify that I don't mean for this to come off completely
negative. You have plenty of people telling you what you did right so I always try to
tell writers how i think they can improve.

the almost-anaphora of 'you cross that man' gives weight to the eventual switch, and progress of the piece, as the figure disappears to wrench guilt in the gut of the addressee. i get it. it's ok. i feel grammar is important in poetry, even used incorrectly is better than not at all. for two-thirds of your piece you mimic a nursery-rhythm which is very predictable and leans the esteem of the piece toward doggerel. you break from that habit, thankfully, and it saves you. as far as advice goes... i don't know. i understand this was very direct and focused on involvement or pull of essentially having more in common than you bargained for with someone you'd ignored -- but i would have been more interested if it, at least in parts, belied its ostensible meaning. become more inspired with your phrasing - say things unusually, if you like, don't force a robotic workmanlike phrase out - paint something with a flowery abstraction to colour our grey matter. or at least attempt to. the idea of the man not needed to 'falsify' could have been expanded. it suggests either a moral superiority or a greater knowledge of self, with little reason why he has that (wisdom, assuming he is older), or why our addressee lacks it (other than ignoring the man on the street) as i said, it was ok. there are so many devices you can play with. have fun.