Us.

Ashen faced, passion placed on ration
acid taste, acetate, basket case Assassins
Hand grenades are blasting
Master race in action
Castigate compassion
Relax, embrace abandon
We have this under control
Succumb to the 'whole'
As we plunder your soul
We mine in your spirit
Divine interference
Smile if you fear it
Divisive
In spite of appearance
Your mind has the signs of a clearance
Everything Must Go
Sedentary...crushed slow
This melody, love's glow
Stand in the dark...feel infinity's rush
Put your hand on your heart
And give it to us.

trash.

Better than your entire existence tbc.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You are good at rhyme schemes but the words you are rhyming are vague and lack purpose.

Thought it was cool. Seen @Fact Machine say the words are vague and lack purpose. I felt that way about parts of it on first read. But I think that was because of the rhyme scheme and how smooth it read. I read it a second time and caught the theme to it. Cool quick read. Is it only meant to be read or out loud?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nahlidge

Thought it was cool. Seen @Fact Machine say the words are vague and lack purpose. I felt that way about parts of it on first read. But I think that was because of the rhyme scheme and how smooth it read. I read it a second time and caught the theme to it. Cool quick read. Is it only meant to be read or out loud?

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I caught the theme right away, that was never the problem for me. For me there are two problems which make this just ok when it could have been really good. One it has a good theme but only briefly touches on something that could be made into a whole song, which is why I say it's vague and lacks purpose, the purpose bit because it fails to actually take the theme to the many places it could go. Second the rhyme scheme starts strong but breaks off in several places.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fact Machine

I caught the theme right away, that was never the problem for me. For me there are two problems which make this just ok when it could have been really good. One it has a good theme but only briefly touches on something that could be made into a whole song, which is why I say it's vague and lacks purpose, the purpose bit because it fails to actually take the theme to the many places it could go. Second the rhyme scheme starts strong but breaks off in several places.

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I agree. It is no where near song length though. If it's meant to be a repeated verse, then it is definitely lacking.

It's not a song...it's a piece of writing.

I understand that it was more a piece of writing then a song , it felt to me more poetic then a 16 bar piece like I try to write. I liked it in the idea of it being a poem great word play but I can tell u got so much more to give to us here so let's see it bro!

hmmm unsure on antagonistic attitude towards this piece cause i actually thought it was dope. it worked as a collage of imagery that comes together to express an idea. i personally thought it did an adequate job of it.

an itty bitty ditty from witty. man, with such few words for a topical my brain received imagery interpreting a story about a swift and violent revolution which brought forth immense changes in an instant. from the old ways, to an even more brutal dictator. cool diction, cool rhymes, short but impactful (apparently not a word? really? lol) . i found it very enjoyable.

Pretty nice poetry here. The rhyme scheme was entertaining and I feel like some folks above aren't smart enough to catch what you had here. Which is unfortunate. I really liked what you had towards the end, "Put your hand on your heart, and give it to us" was a strong finish. Possibly the shortest piece I've ever seen from you but still an effective one. Nice job bro.

This was dope, Witty. Good use of vocab and proper metaphor, I like how creative you get on all your shit. Props.

Sure this is basic. Overall it didn't do anything for me. It felt unpolished. I like vocab but it didn't seem to fit here. Keep jotting lines though