beer tits vs. The Law (The Law Wins)

Limit: 20-30 lines
Votes: First to five, or 3-0 takes all.
Due Date: Sunday, March 11
Topic (randomly generated): "If you had to give yourself a new name, what name would you pick?"

This is my check in as well.

check

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Sept. 11, 2001

It's always, "We need coffee. Where's Rebecca? Send her."
That's just the life of an intern at the World Trade Center.
Her MBA's from Cornell. She's wants to reach the top.
"God damnit, Rebecca! Why isn't this coffee even hot?"

Her at-home life isn't better. She lost her family in a crash.
Her boyfriend cheated with the person she thought of last.
It was her best friend of years, Jenna, she caught him inside.
After the breakup, their mutual friends picked Jenna's side.

So she's friendless, manless and both her parents are dead.
Today, she got up for work and hit the alarm with dread.
She cried in the shower and wished she could just start over.
"Rebecca, listen! Where are the 10 copies of the chart I ordered?"

That was her boss, Mr. Henson. He yells at her every morning.
"Um, Rebecca? Where's my coffee? This is your final warning."
On her way to Starbucks, she used a tissue to wipe the tears.
She thought, "Would anyone even care if I just disappeared?"

A block from the coffee shop, she heard a loud, numbing sound.
The World Trade Center was smoking, on fire and crumbling down.
Two buildings were collapsing. In her head, she was laughing:
"This is my one chance. There's absolutely no time for packing."

She bought a ticket, leaving on a train from Grand Central Station.
The trip took several days, switch overs, but she was patient.
She wanted to assume a new identity once she got to Belize.
First, she rented a room. Then she looked for work near the beach.

She saw a shop on the boardwalk with a help wanted sign.
An older man greeted her as soon as she was inside.
"We're hiring baristas. Surely, you got experience with coffee."
"That's funny," she smiled. "You must know everything about me."

"Well, actually, I don't. What's your name? You never mentioned."
"Oh, sorry!" she replied. "My name is Jenna Henson."

On to see Doctor Bloomberg again, he understands the torment and gloom
Six stories of walking, I finally entered his room
Hello, Chris! Welcome back, How are you feeling today?
"Depraved, Betrayed, like an unappealing mistake.
I'm getting tired of the way I'm usually treated
hospitalized from the random days I'm brutally beaten
The looks and snarls I receive for walking in public
I can't shake the feeling, these shocks in my stomach
The thoughts that I've been enslaved by what I've been handed
the son of a 'cuckoo', being raised on 'some other planet'
This all started the day I realized what I'm suppressin'
That the mirrors always lied in what they reflected
I wasn't a star athlete, breakin' records in a track meet
I was running from my life until I got stuck where the track meets
I always knew one day, I would wake up my senses
And succumb to the reality I loved makeup and dresses
My father never approved, he claimed I wasn't his specimen
The headline: gentlemen turned feminine, the boy filled with estrogen.
My mother accept it, but it eventually there was too much complication
The split up, and I was alienated left to believe I was the cause of separation
So here I am left with no hope that I can be myself
Dr. Do you mind if we let in some fresh air, I feel overwhelmed"
Yes, the doctor responded and opened the windows
Whenever your ready your may continue
"Thank you, you know I just feel trapped in a prison
and I wanted a final session since you always listen"
I stood up, my farewells left his facial expression limbo
and I looked fate dead in the eyes as I left from the window
"Maybe this time I can truly be a señorita"

The bright lights shined... "We'll name her Christina"

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beer tits, the story was pretty cool. Something unique and fresh. My biggest issue with you, and it's ironic because you think you're dope as fuck for it and we're all retarded or something, is your wording. It's boring and plain. There's nothing that pops out at the reader on a technical level. Your strengths are within your concepts and even though it's a refreshing story... there still wasn't anything that wow'd me. I read the piece and at the end I was like, okay cool. Your rhyme scheme was pretty simple, kinda kept a monotone vibe the entire time. I dunno man, try being more creative.

law, a transgender piece? interesting. creative and a nice touch on a current event that is quite popular in our modern society. Like Beer, your rhyme scheme could've been a little more creative as there were a couple points where lines felt a bit dull flow wise but your story telling here was really smooth. There were a couple lines where it looked like you forgot to rhyme. Not sure if you did that on purpose or if you felt it was necessary but I kinda hiccup'd there because it threw me off. In the end though, it was an interesting piece with solid storytelling.

pretty good battle, I feel like beer is a bit conceded outside battles and after reading his verse here and against me I don't see why he is. He's a good writer but he needs to step out of his comfort zone and be more creative... not just conceptually but technically as well. Law brought a creative piece and I was able to enjoy it more not just because the concept (which Law's has been done a dozen times in films, someone is jealous of someone... moves away and steals their name) but because his writing wasn't as bland.

vote law.

Creativity-The Law
Concepts-The Law
Flow- The Law


Vote- The Law
Reason
This was a good battle, The Law Verse more creative compare to beer
I felt like he had a better verse.


Beer wording need a lil more work
more complex you are god to go.

Vote doesn't count, not enough of an explanation. Battle is still 1-0.

Beer when I originally see what you were writing about in my head I was like "here we go again" but dude I gotta give you props for creating that story. It really enjoyed it and it progressed really really well and the ending was a nice tie up for me. I will say that I do agree with the notion of the plain rhymes. I think that could be as simple as expanding vocabulary. Nice piece man.

Law bro you are on one. This was definitely interesting from the sense that the subject matter is so current and aggressive right now. The story you created and he emotion you tied to this kid or living up to his fathers expectstions as he was hiding this inside all along. I liked how everything came together as well with yours.

Tbh this was tougher than I thought it was going to be. Beer even though your verse wasn't high level technical writing it still had a unique story. Law you demonstrated not only high technical skill but also a unique story...

Vote-Law

2-0

Beer tits

I like how well your story flowed. It was an easy read, felt like there was very little creativity and emotion put in to it. I think the story could've had more flair to it, something that would keep me on edge of reading it as if there were more to the story and you kept me thinking of more. I didn't feel that way unfortunately man. I like it overall, but I just felt there could've been more to it ya know.

vs.

The Law

Your piece was a good read as well. You really took a turn I never expected - transgender is a sensitive topic and I felt you actually brought life to the situation outside of what it is for real and what it is within your embodiment of the topic. It was dope read overall and I like the emotion behind it as well. I felt sympathy as if this person were real. It was good.

Good battle, both brought great styles for the topic and introduced good flow and delivery of the topic. I only felt that Law was more creative and intuitive with his topic and brought his story to life a little more than beer tits did. Still a good battle but my vote goes to...Law

3-0 Law Wins.