i'll make it (based off a friend who was jumped for petty reasons)

(have you ever been down in a pool of your own blood wondering what the hell happened?)

Because I've seen it happen right in front of me I'm action.
Even if I wasn't expecting it I was dashing.
This man was like a brother to me.
I checked on him said it was hard to breathe.
Enraged I turned on the bastard he was afraid.
I watched as he laid on the floor its ok because I had seen this before.
Spat on the ground next to his pipe and said run on home bitch you cant fight.
Got my friend to the hospital.
Guy is only 13 years old.
I explained the best I could but I refrained from yelling and getting more heated.
I was seated in the lobby wondering what's gonna happen.
Found out it was over social media traction.
I would have went bat shit, but even then its not savage.

The week after I would rather be out right now.
But I find the kid coming to track like how.
He broke out of jail.
Apologized and said it was the biggest fail in his life.
Told him you better stay right.
Otherwise I'll be kissing your ass goodnight.

(ehh not the best verse I've come up with but this is the first verse I've written in 7 months so maybe ill get back to where I was then) (criticism accepted and any comebacks or responses also appreciated)

For your age and level this isn't bad at all. You of course know you have much to learn but try to keep it fun as much as possible.
I would say the more poetic the structure such as in songwriting and the like I would put syllable counts and other meter sort of methods at the forefront of your learning. The rest will come with time.
Whichever your style or preference may be, there are also cyphers battles and other threads you could probably look at.
I remember seeing it like knock knock jokes. Anyone can think of one. Just fill in the blanks as you go and after you've done it awhile it become more fluent and natural. Always say it so you can hear what you're writing. The breathe and afraid rhyme didn't go for me but the rest worked. You can follow the story and sure it could probably use some work but at least it reads coherent overall.

thanks for the criticism man. one issue is I think of lyrics and then I slip on my ideas. the breathe and afraid wasn't intended to go with each other the breathe was for the line above it and afraid was for the line below it just clarifying

I actually noticed that after post or post-post if you will.
Sometimes backpedaling actually gets you there. But every line has a potential use. I usually try to think of a few main points and then elaborate and develop each one to fill the song. Try and get those points to end each set of lines whether it be 2 4 or 8. So the story will develop in a proportion to the song or poem, battle whatever the case may be. That's why any great punch is preceded by a great set up.

exactly.

the way I intend to do it is.

have a line,
have the next line have a rhyme of the last 2-3 words rhyme or make a decent continuation after the end of the first line.
then on the next line have a multi syllable rhyme of 2-4 depending on what I said.

Rhyming scheme is important. The better you get the more advanced you'll get. You can probably rhyme and entire sentence with an entire sentence even if its jargon, but eventually when you pick out and focus on rhyming stressed syllables you'll see it gets easier and feels more natural and will in turn read and sound better for the reader/listener. Aside from that look for word choice. If you want to provoke emotion use words that provoke that emotion for you. If you're bringing a different energy than the direction of the content it creates more clash. This isn't really critiquing you at this point I'm just rambling. But I'll leave you to it. Have a look around quite a few hof stuff and other older gems hidden in closed sections I'm sure

oh I'm sure man but I'm going to try and write a verse from what I know of the other kid from that time.

when I got to middle school.
I met a guy name Zachery he tried to get all the girls with his flattery.
It worked a few times and it was cool actually.
He always thought he would move on to big things.
But his life turned into nothing but a shattered dream.
When he got upset his voice may have been flattening.
But what happened to him next was saddening.
He had talent but coke was his downfall.
He got busted high and drunk at the town mall.
Was given a fine and a slap on the wrist.
Your wrong if you think he would take his life more serious.
8th grade somethings wrong I check on him.
Found out his sister died and he was told on a whim.
Started cutting himself all emo and depressed.
Came to me to get something off his chest.
He told me I'm sorry and regardless of what happens I feel retarded.
But that's the start of the bullshit that started.
He started a twitter account to put out some things.
But he was like a puppet with people pulling his strings.
Late in 8th grade he was failing.
He got a phone call.
He went home wailing saying there was no hope at all.
he bullied me and my friend backstabbed us and jumped us in the end.
I hope he's doing good now despite this story.
I pray to god and all his glory have mercy on this kid and help his mourning.
Guide him the right way lord for me.

Reminds me of getting shot in the parking lot only a friend didn't find me somehow the cops must've... I heard him in the ambulance say I fell out the car saying me? shoe? and probably just flatlined then. Cause I remember gurgling blood when the defrib hit me it was a nightmare though like all a dream (but after it seemed, way after) But it was around the corner from where my ex was where he ran back to. I guess that's what happens when everyone knows who you are even before you do. It's all good playas, play, play on and nah it wasn't over this site like they always say - this shit started 2001 (at least when I noticed) so - like I told my boss then floating around my apt... I just have some family problems to resolve right quick.

Sad man good to see your alright