20 lines
due Friday, 11:59 pst
no extension
topic: having fun during the weekend.
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20 lines
due Friday, 11:59 pst
no extension
topic: having fun during the weekend.
- - - Updated - - -
check
"I'll pick you up at 8 p.m. Friday. We'll go to Club Breeze, and
I got us a table in the back. Cool? OK, I'll see you this weekend."
I hung up the phone, excited for this date with Alexa to pop.
We didn't go out last week since I had my Lexus in the shop.
It's a pretty a long story, but basically I was rear-ended in traffic.
My brother was with me, but he was really high, tripping on acid.
He looked dead next to me. I braked fast to ensure he was alive.
"Gotcha, bitch!" he jumped up and joked. Then we nearly died.
The car behind rammed us good. Mine could no longer be driven.
Luckily, my brother works at a garage that specializes in collisions.
He told me, "It won't be fixed this weekend, but for sure, the next.
I'll message you that Friday night when it is, so check your texts."
That week he fixed my bumper, taillights and damage to the trunk.
But he barely got it finished before my date because he got drunk.
My brother slurred his words, "Hey, it's done. But before you leave..."
I didn't let him finish. I was out the door as soon as I saw the keys.
I raced to Alexa's like a NASCAR on the corners I steered through.
A few blocks from her house, I saw the police lights in my rearview.
After a "fix-it ticket," mad, I called my bro, who sipped ale all night.
"I tried to tell ya. I got drunk and forgot to put bulbs in your taillights."
It's the weekend, and we're ready to have a good time for the rest of the night,
there's plenty of women to keep us occupied, but one distinctly catches my eye.
A dragon tattoo outlines her spine, breasts so perfect I can hardly speak,
"Hi there, can I buy you a drink?" She smiles and orders a Long Island Iced Tea.
We get to flirting, she keeps squeezing my biceps, it's quite a bit for me to digest,
I want to rub the inside of her thigh, yet, I'm surprisingly nervous and repressed.
Suddenly, she grabs my penis, "meet me in the bathroom in fifteen minutes,"
so I begin inhaling my whiskey like it's a canteen filled with some vaccine liquid.
I slyly sneak into the restroom and peak into the furthest stall, there she plans,
next thing I know a man injects something into my neck... I can't barely stand.
I wake up strapped to a board, glass on the floor and a camera across from me,
"WHAT'S GOING ON! I DON'T DESERVE THIS!" hoping anyone can spot my screams.
"Oh honey, let's begin with honesty," the woman from the bar enters the room,
"remember last June? You and your friends thought it'd be fun to dismember a groom?
Then you raped the bride and later that night, dumped her into the bay in zip ties,
well, HEY! SURPRISE! She managed to survive and plan this day ever since. Why?!
You ruined what should've been the greatest day of my life, fuck it, you broke my heart,
they found my husband torn apart while my parents were told I'd stolen his car!"
I was too afraid to know what to say, "I'M SORRY! WE GAVE IN TO OUR DEMONS!"
She reaches for a razor blade, "that's okay... we all go too far some weekends..."
beer tits - Technical, wise this was alright. Wasn't anything spectacular, but it was solid. There were some sections the rhythm seemed a bit off. (ig. Alexa to pop/lexus in the shop, damage to the trunk, because he got drunk) Essentially, you didn't take any risks and the rhyme scheme and some of the writing came off a bit bland.
Story wise was exactly the same way, this was not very interesting. The progression through the story was boring and tedious to read. You played it way too safe here and did not think outside the box on this. There really isn't much else I could really say about the piece. Bluntly, I felt the piece was very boring with a linear story. He was gonna go last week, but they got into a car accident the brother had a garage got drunk forgot to put the bulbs in and then he got pulled over going to alexa's place. Bring some intensity? Where is the excitement and emotion. Describe the car crash. Not just we were rear ended, my car couldn't be driven. Luckily my brother own a garage. Be creative with your bars. It's also a bit unrealistic in a way, a car just hit you from behind and it was no longer drivable and there wasn't any injuries? From experience, I know that even getting hit from behind by someone going pretty slow will create at least a bit of whiplash.
Behemoth - Technically, had some good imagery and description. This didn't flow as well as the last battle I voted on, not that it was bad by any means it just didn't have the fluid smooth read. Some of the lines seemed a bit worded before it hit the rhyme scheme at the end. Another pet peeve, which is actually something I do myself. Is the use of the word suddenly, I hate that transition into something that just happened. I know it's hard to find a better way to word the line, but trust me, when you get it right the seen is much more intense. It's something I always try to stay away from and I still find myself using transition words like that.
As per the story this was a pretty cool take the topic. Told through a situation that was created as a result of sick & twisted (i'm guessing weekend, that you should have clarified instead of last june as it would have made the plot better geared to the topic) that happened previously that your character thought was fun and so comes this weekend that he pays for it. Thought the closing line was a great way to end the story off as well.
MVGT: Behemoth - As is with his last battle, I thought he had the better verse in every aspect. His imagery and descriptiveness worked well. He brought a good intensity to the verse which was needed for the approach he took on the topic. I felt beer tits really just played this one way too safe with both his writing a story he used off of the topic. It was very bland and really held no depth behind.
So I thought this was fairly lop-sided. Beer tits, the only thing that I thought you won was having a better name LOL Real shit though, your verse was not bad by any means but there was know complexity to the verse. I wish you would have taken more of a calculated risk. Everything was too, bland, I guess. Now, I thought it progressed very well and it had good transitions and it was kind of clever that his drunk ass still caused him to be late. I just was underwhelmed at the end.
Behemoth, you have nice imagery in your verses. Your verse had an intensity that really picked up at the injection line. It created an atmosphere of not knowing where this shit was going. I liked the glimpse into the past as this turned into being a revenge piece. Some lines did get a bit wordy as I have noticed you are more of a longer bar writer. All in all, your story carried well and you delivered a much stronger piece than your opponent.
Vote - Behemoth
Let's get more votes on this so we can close it.
More votes please.
More votes to close this shit.
Behemoth: your verse was a good read. I like the plot twist to it and the imagery it creates. Every detail flowed into something interesting the more I read, I enjoyed the overall development of it. Crazy ass character you created I'd say, kinda reminds me a little of the movie I spit on your grave. Revenge served on a cold platter, nicely done. You did have some flaws in your verse, some multis seemed to be forced out.
Spot my screams? I get what you were doing, but I think maybe better wording would've sufficed. And the second bar I quoted above had me a little lost at first, I had to read a few times to get what you meant. But like I said, overall the development was good and the creativity was there. Nice job!Quote:
I wake up strapped to a board, glass on the floor and a camera across from me,
"WHAT'S GOING ON! I DON'T DESERVE THIS!" hoping anyone can spot my screams.
You ruined what should've been the greatest day of my life, fuck it, you broke my heart,
they found my husband torn apart while my parents were told I'd stolen his car!"
vs.
Beer Tits: Nice story, developed in to something that seems like it would legit happen. Some real shit lol but I didn't really feel much of the energy with your verse. Sounds very common like you were legit explaining some shit to someone. The cool thing about doing topicals is you can really make anything come to life. You wanna intrigue the reader, give them something to imagine as if they could step into the story and feel the words as they follow along. I didn't quite feel that with your verse. It was good no doubt, but it lacked that wow factor, that eye-opening stinging feel. I did enjoy the read and overall the flow and development was real good. Just lacked that intensity it could've had.
v/ Behemoth
3-0 closed