Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer----Metrics Wins
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
right im here will read rules in a bit when i get back in
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
Alright i'm here as well. @Latebloomer are you down with the second picture?
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@late bloomer
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
Lucifer's Kin
I can no longer stand, I look across the room and see my feet & my hands
I’m dripping blood into tin cans, alive from a tourniquet made from my pants
The figures a disfigured killer taking to my guts with what looks like a roto-tiller
He says “The spleen is just filler” his blood soaked hands open another miller
The sweat mixed with blood and other bodily fluids makes my senses flood
My tormentor strikes swiftly with a club, I can no longer tell blood from mud
I scream for help no replies are found. I try to reach for where my hands are bound
One closer look and my hands are down in a soil filled bed pan on the ground
The figure laughs a belly driven jest as he takes a ¼” drill bit to my chest
Attention Pneumothorax shortens my breath I cough out a few signs of death
My visions slowly dissipating the stench of shit and blood continues incubating
I’m beginning to understand the situation this fowl figures a spawn of SATAN
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
@late bloomer
dude? This shits weak
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
Right forgot about this can write sumn quick tonight if ur okay with that
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
Extension is granted if you needed
@late bloomer
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer
Yo when i started rhyming i dropped a lotta statement type shit
Never joined many leagues or spent time online still got no deck to flip
Its like wine you take small sips and i tried to figure it out for a sec
Like u a bat you came out ya cave like you was headed for the exit
You tried to continue but you didnt comprehend the first lesson
I guess you could try posting in the cypher section of this forum on the net
If i had a real life something definitive to study like an open book test
Im like the sun heading west can you remember if we even accept
Or is it all just a jest something but can u afford that weight on your chest
I decided yo make it personal one that would quickly pass it around
Maybe i aint trust the ability of the skill in question like venice i leave ya underground
Life ending with the character maybe not i was lonely decided to frown inside his thoughts
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer----Open 4 Votes
Lucifer's Kin
Quote:
I can no longer stand, I look across the room and see my feet & my hands
I’m dripping blood into tin cans, alive from a tourniquet made from my pants
The figures a disfigured killer taking to my guts with what looks like a roto-tiller
He says “The spleen is just filler” his blood soaked hands open another miller
The sweat mixed with blood and other bodily fluids makes my senses flood
My tormentor strikes swiftly with a club, I can no longer tell blood from mud
I scream for help no replies are found. I try to reach for where my hands are bound
One closer look and my hands are down in a soil filled bed pan on the ground
This last piece threw me off considering your first line portrayed your hands being across the room but now you're trying to reach where they're bound (as if they're tied together)
Quote:
The figure laughs a belly driven jest as he takes a ¼” drill bit to my chest
Attention Pneumothorax shortens my breath I cough out a few signs of death
My visions slowly dissipating the stench of shit and blood continues incubating
I’m beginning to understand the situation this fowl figures a spawn of SATAN
As a whole, this piece was a bit awkward. Without seeing the agreed picture topic, I instantly knew which picture you were using after the first couple of lines. You have some signs of detail on your writing when conveying imagery, I feel it needs to be polished a bit more to blend together and tell a better story.
Quote:
Yo when i started rhyming i dropped a lotta statement type shit
Never joined many leagues or spent time online still got no deck to flip
Its like wine you take small sips and i tried to figure it out for a sec
Like u a bat you came out ya cave like you was headed for the exit
You tried to continue but you didnt comprehend the first lesson
I guess you could try posting in the cypher section of this forum on the net
If i had a real life something definitive to study like an open book test
Im like the sun heading west can you remember if we even accept
Or is it all just a jest something but can u afford that weight on your chest
I decided yo make it personal one that would quickly pass it around
Maybe i aint trust the ability of the skill in question like venice i leave ya underground
Life ending with the character maybe not i was lonely decided to frown inside his thoughts
I fail to see any correlation with the topic. This seemed more like a random open mic than anything. There was absolutely no direction other than statementish rhymes about your experience of writing.
Vote - Metrics
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer----Open 4 Votes
Metrics and late bloomer, I thought it was a bit odd that you were both talking about deciding to write to the same piece.
Most people just pick the picture they want to write to without telling their opponent prior.
Then I found it odd that late bloomer agreed to write to the devil picture and then ended up writing something
that had absolutely nothing to do with the devil picture.
Metrics, I thought you did well. ILLunatic pointed out some issues that I had slight issues with too, so I won't go on about
that again since it's already been brought up and dissected quite well.
So the positives for me were that you were able to put yourself in that picture and draw emotions based on that angle, and that's
not always easy to do but I think you did a pretty good job with your descriptions and imagery.
I liked the dark aspect of your writing. The deeper elements you were able to draw out of your imagination for me were a bonus and
really gave the piece a little more than just surface level writing. I think your rhymes were quite good and your flow was also quite consistent.
You used the word blood five times in this verse which isn't a sin but keep in mind that it gets boring fast when you're not going to reach out of
the square and delve into unknown territory.
Maybe you could have used some sort of sick synonym or slightly changed some words around to keep
the piece fresh where doubling up of words is concerned.
late bloomer, true to your name I see lol.
What does your piece have to do with the pic you and your opponent decided to write to?
I get that you were rushed for a verse and had to drop something, but ...this has nothing to do with your challenge and so based on that alone,
I don't even need to go into feeding and breaking down your verse.
What a shame you didn't fully understand the concept of this challenge here.
I'd be interested in seeing how you go actually writing to a picture next time.
But for now, this is an easy win, and it goes to...
V - Metrics
Thanks for the read fellas.
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer----Open 4 Votes
Metrics, I see you have potential. That's for sure. You like telling a story which is always good to see. A few things I'd like to see you improve one. First being your structure. There's no reason to break up bars like this. It just feels awkward like somebody's first time performing at a poetry jam. Try doing 18 line phases and tell a more complete story that way. Beginning, middle and end full of meat. Another thing is your wording. Got a bit awkward sometimes like 'roto-tiller' and 'the figures a disfigured killer'. I know there's much better ways to say what you want to say in areas like this. Rhyme scheme was a bit simple too. I'd like to see more multies inside and at the end of each line to spice things up. I look forward to seeing more from you in the future though.
Late, not a fan of this kind of writing if I'm being honest with you bud. Simple story about yourself that people can relate to but are they interested in it? Probably not. Simple wording with lots of spelling and grammar errors. Simple rhyme scheme that never really picks up pace. I'd read some Hall of Fame and Legendary pieces and study. Get an idea of what you can improve on and if you ever want help PM me. I'm not always around but I'm definitely qualified to help you out.
Vote Metics for a more in depth piece with a more amusing story.
Re: Season 17 First Four: Metrics vs Late Bloomer----Open 4 Votes
3-0 in favor of Metrics, closed.
