Cadence thats been in my head..

Maybe you call it anxiety
Or maybe the moon just hangs high to me
Or maybe I shouldn't let you influence what I'm be
Green with envy, Lima beans

And never mind what drama brings
Cuz even kids in trauma sing
The time for awkward totterlings
Like the joy my daughter brings

Or like the time you lost your keys
But adopted mine, foster keys
And found em amongst your other things
I don't CARE what your mother thinks!

Or your brother thinks
I'm concerned with other things
Like stacking up and mustering
Enough cash to build another sphinx

In my likelihood, me muttering
'I don't have time for stubborn things!'
Or your lack luster utterings
And how your an angel, they cut your wings

Now you're stuck amongst us slumbering
I know what you're wondering,
If I'm so damn important
How come I don't have the fuckin things?

Simple really, you stubborn thing
I don't need no fuckin wings
A butterfly who flutters wings
Can cause chaos amongst other things

Like rays of light, summer beams
Or the things that summer brings
A whisper on the wind
'your enemies outnumber thee'



Eh..... just streching

Actually liked this a lot. Wording was off here and there but overall the emotion and concept were well felt. I'd say lengthen your lines a little more so you can deliver more of a storytell and a stronger, more creative rhyme scheme. This kinda writing would be nice in an audio but for Topicals it seems more like a blueprint. Keep writing bro.

Return the favor please with my Oscar Grant OM.

Lemme start out by saying thanks for the feed on UnBeautiful Life. Praciate it

This was a dope drop, thought the cadence was really catchy and the scheme was fluid. Read very smoothly. Would definitely translate nicely to audio without much tweaking, if any atall tbh.
Content was fresh, bouncy imo. I dig it. Could see this going over a dope dj premier beat or something of that sort of hiphop feel. Enjoyed this. Thanks

@Spartacus

You need 2 links of feedback homie.

Good paper here. I agree with the wording, just a few tweaks here and there with that. Other than that I thought it was a smooth write.

I feed almost everyone, Nah.

Thanks for the feed bros.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sen. Spartacus (R-OK)

Maybe you call it anxiety
Or maybe the moon just hangs high to me
Or maybe I shouldn't let you influence what I'm be
Green with envy, Lima beans
This was cool. I think "what I'm be" should be
"What i'ma be". A very minor flaw. Good flow thus far
and does justice to the title since it is about cadence.

And never mind what drama brings
Cuz even kids in trauma sing
The time for awkward totterlings
Like the joy my daughter brings
Good flow. Pretty carefree rhyming but on point.

Or like the time you lost your keys
But adopted mine, foster keys
And found em amongst your other things
I don't CARE what your mother thinks!
The last line made me lol.

Or your brother thinks
I'm concerned with other things
Like stacking up and mustering
Enough cash to build another sphinx
The has not waivored yet. Mildly humorous.


In my likelihood, me muttering
'I don't have time for stubborn things!'
Or your lack luster utterings
And how your an angel, they cut your wings
Ok

Now you're stuck amongst us slumbering
I know what you're wondering,
If I'm so damn important
How come I don't have the fuckin things?
I thought this was the weakest section
Still flows well but its like you didn't know
What to say

Simple really, you stubborn thing
I don't need no fuckin wings
A butterfly who flutters wings
Can cause chaos amongst other things

Like rays of light, summer beams
Or the things that summer brings
A whisper on the wind
'your enemies outnumber thee'

Overall an enjoyable cadence.
Good rhyming practice.
Sometimes it seemed as if you were running
out of steam, particularly toward the end..
and a lot of what you said was simply to
keep the rhyme scheme going.
I am new here, so the first I have read from you
But I would like to see you dive into something
that requires a bit more lyrically. The rhyming
prowess is certainly there. Taken a face value
as a little cadence flex it does the job.
Stay up.



Eh..... just streching

---

I'll be on the look out for more from you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Spartacus

I feed almost everyone, Nah.

Thanks for the feed bros.

---

Yeah, you feed almost everyone....'s mom your dick, you giggolo. A joke, I kid, but seriously I was just rubbing this to myself in my mirror, a little bit like a mile, and I caught a glimpse of something familiar but also startling from the corner of my eye. I turn my head slowly and came face-to-face deep dark pink rug in my closet. it's voice pierced the night, partly because roads are supposed to fucking talk, and because of the sun stroke overtones. "How long has it been?" The robe questioned, the aftertaste of the statement was playful. A slow, maniacal grin forces itself on my face, kind of like Trump and he sees a pussy. I replied through joker light "Long enough, master." The world stood still for a split second before we began laughing in unison. I inched closer the wrong, more watching than walking. I am graced the road just like the old friendly mentor than it was. some way, I held up the road to inspect its condition, a la Lion King. "They're calling us 'The Zodiac Killer. And I like it." I slipped the worn in, glove like garment over my hot, sexy body. At that moment I realized that until this moment, when I placed the robe on my back, that I wasn't complete without it. The literature cord and kitchen knife or reliably in the pockets, just as we had left them, the last time we went. 'Long enough, indeed.' I whispered, looking out the window at the busy, yellow lighted city below.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by DixonButts

Yeah, you feed almost everyone....'s mom your dick, you giggolo. A joke, I kid, but seriously I was just rapping this to myself in my mirror, a little bit like 8 mile, and I caught a glimpse of something familiar but also startling from the corner of my eye. I turn my head slowly and came face-to-face with the dark hooded robe in my closet. it's voice pierced the night, partly because robes aint supposed to fucking talk, and because of the sinister overtone. "How long has it been?" The robe questioned, the aftertaste of the statement was playful. A slow, maniacal grin forces itself on my face, kind of like Trump when he sees a pussy. I replied through joker like laughter, "Long enough, master." The world stood still for a split second before we began laughing in unison. I inched closer to the robe, more waltzing than walking. I embraced the robe just like the old friendly mentor that it was. I held up the robe to inspect its condition, a la Lion King. "They're calling us 'The Zodiac Killer. And I like it." I slipped the worn in, glove like garment over my hot, sexy body. At that moment I realized that until this moment, when I placed the robe on my back, that I wasn't complete without it. The ligature cord and kitchen knife are reliably in the pockets, just as we had left them, the last time we went out... 'Long enough, indeed.' I whispered, looking out the window at the busy, yellow lighted city below.

---

^^^^ edited because I used voice text and didn't proof read cuz I thought I could edit.

I relate to it personally cause I was walking slept when I was in here to being more awake now. I thought waking up was finally going to be a happy and great thing to see I was dropped to an entire level of hell I couldn’t even imagine in my worst nightmare. Stuck alone now in a zone I know nothing about and can’t even protect myself or body in. I didn’t realize some shit even existed or was possible and just to the point now I wish I never even woke up or if it had to be like this why couldn’t it just end there. My heart and faith were broke enough already I didn’t and don’t need their extra with the sick personalities of what they think and act like is some joke.

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The pins and physical pain is getting even worse then the sick shit again. Why? Who? What?

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If some gifted and deranged bitch is unstable it shouldn’t be an innocent strangers problem. It stopped only a couple weeks and then started bad again like a week ago. Level of 1-10 - like a 13 and I’m not going to be with an ice pack on my face every nite.

Now you're getting how to leave valuable feedback. Next time throw in something about 9/11, and if at all possible incorporate "(_)_):::::::::.D" near the end and you will get an 'A'.

Nah 3 dumpin PISSED me off (The remix with pac) that middle guys flow was FIRE but he was speaking against his own country and disrespectful. I was in NY that day in Somers at IBM and the way military was flying over I was just like whoa - what do we have here? I think it was conspiracy (how else do you motivate a country to finish your dad's war) and like confirmed when Barrack caught Bin Laden in 3 weeks - it wasn't ironic Sudaam was found and put to rest first. It pissed me off cause people aren't just some game pieces in big boys real live action games like they used to play the game risk as a child and I used to be scared about Trump - especially when he hit somebody as soon as he got in - but at least it was an army base and they signed up for that shit. So I gave him props for that.

I actually have heard that song and my only real takeaway was that when you look at all the pictures and footage that we have there is no way that a jumbo jet passenger airliner crashed into the Pentagon! The smarter people in the world think that George Bush used hologram technology to fly hologram planes into the world trade center while simultaneously using detonation charges to drop the building while also firing a Penelope cruise missile into the Pentagon in order to go to war with Iraq for that Sweet oil.

(_)_):::::::::.D~~wtc~~

Well it's hard to say who started it them when he got back into office or us but it was OBVIOUSLY a family feud we ALL became victim to AGAIN... sometimes I hate rich people.

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Like no joke my cartoon was interrupted by an emergency alert saying we was at war on dessert storm - you know how traumatized I was for a minute?

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At work I was like whoa - someone must've went to work drunk and fucked up the flight patterns and my bosses came out jaws dropped like nah... the LAST thing on my mind was terrorism. I don't think I spoke 1 word until 7pm that night on 9/11. AND I did notice it was MADDDDD traffic into NY that day going to work. Just CRAZY.

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I wish my droid buddy was here so I can fuck with him and ask when he thinks the Aliens coming in. Life is life and "We here" … I'm actually gonna go out and try to enjoy it - just nobody wants to have fun anymore and I cut off most of the friends I did have when I woke up and realized. Then like the ones I met since, you know how that go - when people swear they better then you it's not fun hanging with them either. I just be bored and at first needed the money when I got home that's how met most of them. I swear I invented Uber let me find out anyone involved did and I'm suing over the patent.

Wait, did you say that you have a Droid buddy that you fuck with? Because if you're into human robot relations, you could have said that shit 600 crazy ass posts ago and we could have been hanging out.