def deserves more feed.
nice to see u writing again, big homie.
Quote:
I can't move
Like frozen time has frozen time
Like the line for freedom is stretched around the block twice
It must be nice not to go through what I am submerged in...
love and dislike that bold section. As a stand alone line....beautiful! NOt sure how it relates to the rest of the frozen/watered theme that held that stanza together.
Quote:
I am swallowed in the hallow halls of uncertainty
Feeling the urgency blurring through hurrying thought
Bought a front row seat to the chaos that have me off kilter
Filtering the cleanliness of being at peace and dirtying the edges with strife
I am a capeless caper facing the long of the game
Knowing that an end has to come
awesome imagery here. nice dichotomy in the bold section. capeless caper bordered on superfluous (i just don't see the overall effect of 'capeless'). Otherwise, very solid stanza.
Quote:
So how do I deal
How do I rise above the mist and see the shadowy stillness
more great imagery
Quote:
I guess I'm a guest in this purgatory
Stuck slurring clear thoughts and actions
Vaporizing strands of civility to the radon fingers
i see that homophone lol. again the theme of movement, or lack thereof, was present.
Quote:
How do a claim peace
How do I not spite GOD for taking someone who meant so much
I hate being to that he will be in a better place that he wouldn't hurt again and the disease that plague the normal parameters are frayed and jaded to the point that I can't recognize the errors of its ways from the progression of being better
i see you chose to drop the figurative language and went more literal. I think it was a good move as it gave the verse a much needed grounded and sincere tone. Now the bold section i could not figure out. "progression of being better" somehow felt redundant. Regardless, i think this was my fav stanza.
Quote:
A concert of lies and half truths
Falsetto singing an aria pitching a shut out on bad intentions and outcomes
Conducting the removal of my sanity
this was a nice callback to the "front row" idea of the 2nd stanza. ur figurative game, once again, surfaced. I do feel this stanza could benefit from a couple punctuation. especially that 2nd line.
Quote:
I wish I could have my father back.....
overall, this was a very personal piece. I love the overarching theme of movement. as usual, ur vocab game is enviable. the flow of metaphors and imagery is another staple of yours. really enjoyed this. thank you.