Lifetimes

the dove's daybreak wings toss off the morning dew
hands lift hope's symbol in a flutter of cream color
i mutter, then scream louder than i ever thought i could

so painful, so beautiful

elsewhere an elf's hair transforms its silver hue
his icy touch grasps the mother to make her shudder
i stutter and it breaks each other just as i knew it would

so sorrowful, so decaying

always a star's shattering gaze is looking down on you
illuminating every path to be discovered, guides every rudder
a lover, hides undercover, yet leads me places only good

so true, so true

this was a pretty good peice. There were a few lines that seemed like the rhyming was forced, but you had some good multis. Id work on the emotion of it before i put thought in internals. I liked the stucture of this as well. You had some great imagery in your first couple lines. I could really see what you were trying to convey. Pretty good vocab too. Keep droppin.

peace,
Mez

could you check out Unstitched Patterns, Id appreciate it, thanks.

This cut had me envisioning some Tolkien-esque type setting in my mind..but had the feel as though like a back ground chant of New Age soundtrack. (not dogging whatsoever)
all in all it gave a mellow overtone, which was cool..and it was short..so it wasnt drawn out.
I see your style. I dig it! :thumbup:
Im never a hater, if i ever dislike any piece I dont reply usually. You cant judge art with disrespect.
Point taken....this is a call approach. ROCK ON!

"There were a few lines that seemed like the rhyming was forced" I also felt that in the second stanza, the rest seemed to come naturally. The images you showed in this piece were very elegant, you have talent as a writer. I particularly liked the final stanza and the way you left the ending somehwat open. This piece was like a room that you just stumble into, look around, and without any real sense of closure exit, this is a good thing, i liked, 1luv.

thank you for all the kind words

and i will get to your poem mez

Oh my god.......

Damn this was amazing..... You had such a nice feel to this poem it was crazy...... I like how you had metaphors that were so graceful and so perfect for your words........ And the multies and inner rhyme scheme was just great.......... But the way you expressed this piece was just damn I dont even know how to say it.......... Keep posting and leaving feed your damn good..........

thank you so much it is nice when someone catches something like an internal rhyming scheme it makes it worthwhile

this was kinda a story of birth death and god I was trying something new

This was simply beautiful. I really like it.
And reading your other stuff, ifeel bad for
not paying attention sooner. You are obviously
a talented poet, who deserves to be noticed.
Anyways, like i said very impressive here.
When i read the first part i was immediately
drawn in. I think it was the wording
it just felt so eloquent and natural the way
it came across, the imagery was dope.
The second stanza, good too, though like others
said seemed like you focused on the rhyming
a bit much, not to take away from it or anything, but
it just didnt have the same appeal/feel as the
opening lines. Way to come back strong though
with the closer. You sorta recaptured what you
brought with the opener. Sorry if this was a shotty
break down, i always feel kind of silly replying to
stuff especially poetry, being its a personal thing.
It just seems generic, to me anyways as a writer,
when you see people saying the same thing
in every reply you get. It's rather hard to put into words
sometimes exactly how a piece makes you feel or what
sort of thoughts it puts into play. I hope you get what
i'm saying though, and belive me when i say i appreciate
stuff like this i can really get into. Thanks for posting this.

-peace

and if you would, drop a reply on this
it would be much appreciated. If you dont feel like it though
no biggie

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=150889