Wretched

Riff-raff refuses refunds
Do not disturb
the squalor of my senses;
Nor the scum surfacing my soul
I go within, as to not go
without, my core of mud heart
It plays and sings
in unrestricted
glorious
filth

Every intention, meant for one
Every prayer, mocked
Every whisper, screeched
Every kiss, blown away

I have love to give;
to…the wrong person

Repulsed by rivalry inside me
Sovereign of sinful sanity
Ruler of revolting reaction
Princess of pernicious poison
cold-shoulders compassion
snubbing disdain, spurned by
your nauseating
tenderness

The alliteration, yes.

I was literally about to go to bed... then I saw you had actually posted a piece of your own, and it would be an absolute fucking sin for me not to give feedback. I haven't even read it yet. (for the record it's 7:30am)

Riff-raff refuses refunds
Do not disturb
the squalor of my senses;
Nor the scum surfacing my soul
As Jukon just said "The Alliteration, Yes." This is ridiculously well written! I really good opening. I do love alliteration.
I go within, as to not go
without, my core of mud heart
It plays and sings
in unrestricted
glorious
filth The short lines here really add impact. This is almost like... the moment of realization. "Shit, this is wrong.. what am I doing...? But god it feels so good"

Every intention, meant for one
Every prayer, mocked
Every whisper, screeched
Every kiss, blown away Kisses blown away is a gorgeous play on words. Blowing kisses is normal... blowing them away, wow. A poem of rejection from the eye of the rejecter. Rejecter isn't even a word... but i'm tired and it bloody works here so deal with it. This is really fresh though, I like it a lot. The repetition is also nice... I'm a sucker for repetition when used right, and it's used perfectly here.

I have love to give;
to…the wrong person When a line or 2 are seperated from the main body of a poem you know things are getting real, and here they are. Just as I suspected, Thou art the rejector. (Nope, no amount of archaic english can make that word look right)

Repulsed by rivalry inside me
Sovereign of sinful sanity
Ruler of revolting reaction
Princess of pernicious poison
cold-shoulders compassion
snubbing disdain, spurned by
your nauseating
tenderness

Fantastic ending. Back to the alliteration - the poem has gone full circle... it's like... the opening with alliteration is full of self disdain. Alliteration gives a list-like feel - this speaker has no problem with hating themselves... to the extent that they can just reel off all these negative vibes. The middle section loses the alliteration as we seem to enter a deeper train of thought. Then there is the "Shit hits the fan" moment in the 2 line stanza, and we're back to hating ourselves and what we're doing. The alliteration comes back, the self disdain comes back. Awesome.

Nauseating tenderness is great. Like the kisses blown away, love has become sickening - this rejection is so powerful at this stage. It's like the speaker hates the subject of the poem for loving her because that loves makes her hate herself.

I really liked it, it's a shame you're so busy with modding etc because it would be great to see you drop more @Emily .

First off I must say this came off very sing-songy to me. Don't know if that's what you intended but in my head I had some dark background music and I was reading this "da dun da dun da dun" hope that's makes sense lol. It's all good. Not meant as an insult or anything as previously stated the alliteration was good here, both with imagery and with the fact they weren't really tongue twisters. On my first read I sped through them with (this will be a common theme in all my feedback so brace yourself) momentum, the final stanza was deep. personally and I'm not asgood a writer as you but on the final stanza I felt as I was looking into your soul, and how you function. Like you peeled back the layers, before that it felt like you were just talking about your actions and then in the last stanza you let us have a look at your inner self and why you function the way you do and that was amazing. It was worded creatively and very powerfully I enjoyed reading this.

Disclaimer:
I'm not very experienced with poetry, and I could've misinterpreted what you were trying to convey, but I'm just dropping my two cents. Nice piece

I feel like a lot of the pieces you write are about giving your love to the wrong person. I could be wrong, and I liked this piece (great to see you branching out to different poetic techniques like alliteration, havnt seen a huge amount of that from you before so that was cool!), but I hope you're ok.

You got soul.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Karaoshi

I feel like a lot of the pieces you write are about giving your love to the wrong person...

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my friend, thank you for your feed. I don't normally talk in pieces, but I will here. When I'm writing, I'm drawn to the dark side more than the light.
Misery sells in my written world, while typically happiness hides. My pieces arent autobiographical. Just an extension of an over imaginative situation thats played out in imagery in my mind. the darker, lonelier, sicker, the better.
I thought about what you said and out of interest (for myself), because I thought you could be right, i had to check my last lot of stuff. so i did.

Wretched: is about sickening love
Slay: is about loving someone so much, she'll join him in war.
Creeping jesus: is me crashing my funeral.
So: how peace makes me freak out.
Gods voice: listening to god talk.
The sound of my silence: about being psycho

I'm not giving love to the wrong people.
The wrong people are probably giving love to me though, lol. jk.

I'm very ok. Thank you for your words. I know what you mean.
I've got soul? Ty. x

Well, shit. Maybe I was thinking of someone else haha. PS, I liked Slay as well. Keep it up :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Karaoshi

Well, shit. Maybe I was thinking of someone else haha. PS, I liked Slay as well. Keep it up :)

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lol
thanks Karaoshi.

Pato One no more....

I see this in a lightly cluttered living room with your hands on your hip. I like to read poems and catch the imagery within them so that the movement and the particulars are clear in presentation. In the first part you are very strong in your position but as the poem moves the position weakens to the all the things that you love and appreciate in the person who is treating you wrong. It's given away by ending with "tenderness" in which you start out calling him riff raff. Your poems definitely highlight the struggle to let go what's really not good for you even though the muthafucker is sweet as candy shit. You always had the ability to pull some deep emotions in all your drops. this is no exception and you accomplished the purging of your soul with this one here...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Emily

Riff-raff refuses refunds
Do not disturb
the squalor of my senses;
Nor the scum surfacing my soul
I go within, as to not go
without, my core of mud heart
It plays and sings
in unrestricted
glorious
filth

Scum surfacing your soul. I really wish you used the image of a sink or a shower, I just started imagining soap scum and it painted a gloriously filthy perspective as your writing suggests. Opening line opens up a lot of interesting questions, they refuse their money back. They don't want to be disturbed by something like that, you don't want to be disturbed my something like that. Rather dwell in the dirt and the mud, simple one-two of 'mud heart' was much appreciated. Unrestricted, glorious, filth, I kind of whispered those lines to myself with less loud of a voice each time. It had a great effect for me, maybe add some hostility to the final line with the whisper, almost like a puritan saying nasty things under their breath about a disreputable person in town. Much like the opening stanza, your squalor of senses is the squalor of my imagination. Wretched, indeed it is.

Every intention, meant for one
Every prayer, mocked
Every whisper, screeched
Every kiss, blown away

Good usage of repetition here. Taking things and adding a layer of hostility to it. mocked prayers, screeched whispers, kisses that are blown to you are blown back. Every intention, meant for one -- I sat with that line the most though. Saw it as your own intentions, meant for one: that one being yourself perhaps. Of the self, for the self; nothing but you. You blow kisses away, because romantic love sickens you. It repulses you.

I have love to give;
to…the wrong person

Strong two line bridge here. The wrong person, the dark and abusive kind of person perhaps.

Repulsed by rivalry inside me
Sovereign of sinful sanity
Ruler of revolting reaction
Princess of pernicious poison
cold-shoulders compassion
snubbing disdain, spurned by
your nauseating
tenderness

Spurned by your nauseating tenderness is a great collection of words. Echoes that sentiment I talked about above, repulsed by tender love. Your compassion is the cold shoulder kind, I wonder if they gave you the cold shoulder then they would become the 'right person'. You are the queen, princess, monarch of all of the terrible things inside of you. The dark, the cruel, the abusive, they harbor you; they are you. Your land where the wretched 'love' commands, and all gestures of tender romance shall be burnt at the stake.

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Real good work here, Em. Always a pleasure.