first in a while... Negativity
Never considered myself an Optimist
Not sure if the world's virtual like Oculus
I've always dwelled in negativity
Should see how crazy it's driven me
Lately i realize I'm the one causing this
need to reposition myself with positives
To purge my mind of doubt, think no diggity
But it's like withdrawals and i get so fidgety
Too easy to relapse... Why'd I write this song for
Those unwanted thoughts return like an encore
My mind is Alkatraz and escape seems impossible
Like having a tumor the doctor deems inoperable
See? I tried being happy but sound hopeless again
When i write change i never even notice the pen
And the pencil's eraser becomes a demon obstacle
Feels like I'm drowning without being nautical
Tic toc tic, hypnotic, i am getting sleepy
Perhaps hypnosis will let me focus deeply
On things that keep me feeling stimulated
They say to be happy first need to simulate it
It's acting, distracting you from pessimism
That hinders everyone's conquest or mission
Joy, euphoria, jubilation and ecstacy
Magical words that provide the remedy
Energy will deplete if you retreat to anger
Mentally feel defeat, call it a no brainer
Easy decision i need self construction
Seeing the vision of my Hell's destruction
Re: first in a while... Negativity
Re: first in a while... Negativity
Re: first in a while... Negativity
Re: first in a while... Negativity
what's crazy is I felt this as it went through entirely, not one part was I not feelin. congrats man for making a piece with meaning, emotion and good delivery. I'll highlight the parts I liked and mention why
Never considered myself an Optimist
Not sure if the world's virtual like Oculus
^^solipsism is real. lol.
To purge my mind of doubt, think no diggity
But it's like withdrawals and i get so fidgety
^^nice switch up. sounds cool said aloud
Too easy to relapse... Why'd I write this song for
Those unwanted thoughts return like an encore
^eminem fan? lol
My mind is Alkatraz and escape seems impossible
Like having a tumor the doctor deems inoperable
^"deem" - a word not always used in proper context, good job on the delivery
See? I tried being happy but sound hopeless again
When i write change i never even notice the pen
^nice visualization
And the pencil's eraser becomes a demon obstacle
Feels like I'm drowning without being nautical
^like the metaphor in the first line.
though, for the second line, might I suggest adding the word "even" before "being"?
ex. "feels like I'm drowning without even being nautical"
in my opinion it helps the flow along better, just my critique.
Tic toc tic, hypnotic, i am getting sleepy
Perhaps hypnosis will let me focus deeply
On things that keep me feeling stimulated
They say to be happy first need to simulate it
^^these four lines accurately describe the inner turmoil many/most experience when experiencing "waking up".
the tendency is to want the "dream" back.
Energy will deplete if you retreat to anger
Mentally feel defeat, call it a no brainer
^^again sounds cool.
Easy decision i need self construction
Seeing the vision of my Hell's destruction
^^the end was too soft, like the piece was cut short. if the intent was to end there it could've used more.
overall I enjoyed it. thanks for the read and please drop some feed on my piece I'm putting up on OM titled "grow up".
Re: first in a while... Negativity
Pretty good man. My only complain would be the lack of multies but the lines were short enough that the flow, though simple, kept consistent through out. So it's a yes and no in that factor. Otherwise there were a few lines where I feel a word or two could've been changed to fix things but it was well written and I'm assuming it was a personal piece, in which case I could feel it and relate. Some of the best lines were towards the beginning of the piece. Liked the opening bar and the Alkatraz line. I feel like the self construction / hell's destruction line would've been better flipped. "Easy decisions, I need self destruction, watching the vision of my Hell's construction." has more internal meaning to me. Nice writing though man, wish you were around more.
Re: first in a while... Negativity
Was feeling this piece. Nice verse with am easy flow to follow.
See? I tried being happy but sound hopeless again
When i write change i never even notice the pen
And the pencil's eraser becomes a demon obstacle
Feels like I'm drowning without being nautical
This was a cool little set of lines. All in all, feeling it,
