Intergalactic Legacy

https://i1.wp.com/articulations.ca/w...size=300%2C169

Soaring legions & hell fire rain on the poor & beaten
This morbid freedom that pains us to pray more allegiance
A storm of reason of course repeating the torture sequence
The mortal screaming deafens as the chorus weakens
Lure cohesion from a foreign region is a form of treason
Multi-verse fortresses that swarm to Egypt destroying the Portal Keegan
Forces sweeping, the cores depleting orbs are leaving from corpses bleeding
Warlords of Egon, swordsman so skilled that could secure Thor's deceasing
These horrid cretins are hornless demons born as machinists
Sworn extremists that spore to meet us have an enormous weakness
Amorphous beings from the Port of Venus, our ancestors scorched a credence
With Cora dreaming of floral treatments to absorb the species with moral grievance
They've invaded before to beat us but the Fourth Ward of Zeeda
& the North's Sword of Eza had the power & fortune to implore believers
As we tour The Helix and our fortunes leading to orchid healing
Rebelling from the former teaching, warts & lesions & porridge eating
To important preaching to shape a portion, inkling...
..of an conformist thinking

Wording is pretty nice. Couple lines that seemed a bit shaky but that's because a word was missing. Nothing a revised version wouldn't fix. If you read through it I'm sure you'll see what I'm talking about. The rhyme scheme seemed to be your focus, which isn't bad. Lots of dope multies here and for a short piece it really did a nice job keeping the reader entertained. I've been wondering what the hype was about and almost thought you were just good at feedback. Glad that's not the case. Look forward to seeing what your bring to the table when competition is involved. Make sure to drop for the Written of the Month. Good piece bro.

The vocabulary content and rhyme scheme in this piece was dope as fuck. Lots of good multi usage as well. This gave me a visual of something Aesop Rock would be on. The content was dope.



Lure cohesion from a foreign region is a form of treason
Multi-verse fortresses that swarm to Egypt destroying the Portal Keegan
Forces sweeping, the cores depleting orbs are leaving from corpses bleeding
Warlords of Egon, swordsman so skilled that could secure Thor's deceasing

The flow and rhyme here was amazing.

I enjoyed this alot good imagery gave me the visual of an Apocalypse about to happen.

- - - Updated - - -

The vocabulary content and rhyme scheme in this piece was dope as fuck. Lots of good multi usage as well. This gave me a visual of something Aesop Rock would be on. The content was dope.



Lure cohesion from a foreign region is a form of treason
Multi-verse fortresses that swarm to Egypt destroying the Portal Keegan
Forces sweeping, the cores depleting orbs are leaving from corpses bleeding
Warlords of Egon, swordsman so skilled that could secure Thor's deceasing

The flow and rhyme here was amazing.

I enjoyed this alot good imagery gave me the visual of an Apocalypse about to happen.

This was dope iLL (per usual). I dug the whole sci-fi/fantasy concept you have going on here. It reads like a saga or galactic epic with some medieval elements mixed in for good measure. Obviously the rhyme scheme was the highlight tho. I don't know too many writer's that can string multis together like you or as effortless as you make it seem while still maintaining the integrity of the content. Just skillfull stuff and a pleasure to read.

Soaring legions & hell fire rain on the poor & beaten
This morbid freedom that pains us to pray more allegiance
A storm of reason of course repeating the torture sequence
The mortal screaming deafens as the chorus weakens
Lure cohesion from a foreign region is a form of treason
Multi-verse fortresses that swarm to Egypt destroying the Portal Keegan
Forces sweeping, the cores depleting orbs are leaving from corpses bleeding
Warlords of Egon, swordsman so skilled that could secure Thor's deceasing
These horrid cretins are hornless demons born as machinists
Sworn extremists that spore to meet us have an enormous weakness
Amorphous beings from the Port of Venus, our ancestors scorched a credence
With Cora dreaming of floral treatments to absorb the species with moral grievance
They've invaded before to beat us but the Fourth Ward of Zeeda
& the North's Sword of Eza had the power & fortune to implore believers
As we tour The Helix and our fortunes leading to orchid healing
Rebelling from the former teaching, warts & lesions & porridge eating
To important preaching to shape a portion, inkling...
..of an conformist thinking[/I][/CENTER][/QUOTE]

this had me rereading it. this is dope man I really like the harmonic the rhyme pattern is. definitely gonna keep my eye open for other pieces of yours.
if you're good at giving feedback I'd greatly appreciate hearing from you on my upcoming piece, peep it if you see it. but this is tight the more I read this the more I see how polished this actually is. all I can really do other than talk about how much I enjoyed it I will point out something, which would just be my opinion of course but where it gets Sci-Fi where you use words like Eza Zeeda Cora and Egon, it would make it so your piece would be more appealing to read than to hear verbally. if they're made up words or not, sometimes the listener questions if they're direct references that they don't get and when you have them strung along so well from having a tight piece like this then this would be the spot where you lose them a little bit because you're no longer using generic terminology. amorphous would be one you'd lose most with too, but it's a great word and suited the piece beautifully being that it was a written visual. also if I may, why did you make the piece as short as it was? you have story telling ability fo sho.

peace to the gawd iLL. NOt sure if i fed this over at LA but yeah this shit's dope. scheme was crazy. the verse was like one smorgasbord of reference, imagery, metaphors and with just the right touch of that flex sensibility. definitely seem like you was just having fun with this and got in your zone lol. not much to critique as i don't think its a piece that would lend itself to conventional critique as i see this as a "showoff" piece lol. nothing wrong with that.

Cool lil diddy here. Reminds me of oldschool topical writing.

Not sure how much to actually critique since it seems the only thing you were really trying to do was rhyme.

Though, as far as that all goes, i will say that the piece lost the feeling of effortlessness right around this line :

"Multi-verse fortresses that swarm to Egypt destroying the Portal Keegan"

It just got forced after that. The syllable count, per line, was thrown out the window in order to get some rhymes in there. At the end of the day, i'm looking at rhymes that kind of make sense. I mean, I get that the word choice was used to help create a feeling of cohesion but it's mostly smoke and mirrors. Superfluous? Probably. Wasn't that the point? I think so. I have flex pieces like this and it's fun as fuck to just kinda key some multis out.

This definitely made me look up some super old work of mine to find some of the multi-stuffing shit i did. Was cool to see 'em again.

Thanks for the read. Take care