won't flush

who can you trust today, these times different than before
doesn't matter how much you pay, it don't mean you get more
been livin in this world a while, crawlin across the floor
look up at the sky i see the sun, sometimes it makes me smile
sometimes i cry when i try to have fun, and it weighs a ton
one thing i know for sure, i will walk miles before i quit
seen many things i can't explain, older i get the more i fit
got this life today that's plush, please don't take it away
pull the handle in good faith, don't tell me it won't flush

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...31-Twin-flames
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...?495815-waitin

This was, a bit better than the other stuff you been dropped lately. I'll admit, I ain't a big fan of your style, but no means do I think you suck. I ain't here to shit on people who here to drop pieces. I think you gots some potential here, but it hasnt been reached yet. Think of the basic/easiest concept/idea you can think of. Come off with ideas that stem from your topic. Keep iy simple, then as you grow into a deeper writer, use those tools and improve from where you are now, and where you want to be. Nevertheless, keep writing fam.

I liked it... some more critique a version 2 opposed to a draft perfected... you captured raw emotion, continue to describe it...

Interesting. I liken your style to mine in a very broad sense of how you set up your stanzas. It's unorthodox to some degree, but the overall story isn't all that new, which I feel loses a bit of my interest. On strictly a mechanic level, I like the structure and easy readability - that helps it with pacing through your piece. On terms of subject matter though, it doesn't really captivate me. The jumping from one sequence to another doesn't really help much, either. A little off-putting. Anyway, unorthodox is the key thing I'd take away from this. Good effort.

who can you trust today, these times different than before
doesn't matter how much you pay, it don't mean you get more
Tight
been livin in this world a while, crawlin across the floor
look up at the sky i see the sun, sometimes it makes me smile
sometimes i cry when i try to have fun, and it weighs a ton
one thing i know for sure, i will walk miles before i quit
K
seen many things i can't explain, older i get the more i fit
got this life today that's plush, please don't take it away
pull the handle in good faith, don't tell me it won't flush
Ok ok

Ok ok I see what you're going for here. Definitely Interesting. However the overall concept seems like its something that's been touched on time and again. The setup seemed a bit mechanical. Not bad though