5:40 something in the morning, instances of a spider crept up inside her was the text

The web was words in reds, shaped like a web

I can’t say they shot me cause I i don’t recall
I was staring at my scars today like they swear they my fall
All alone in my dolo on my solo
The only one that respects me or what I see and be is me
And yeah I’m guilty cause I just wanted to see
I pray all truth really does come to the light
Cause of all the sick shit as a result I’m left to fight
Cause I know I don’t deserve it and you supposed to get what you give
And I really never gave a fuck whether I died or I live
Quite the understanding if life never meant that much to me to begin with
Now even more
So what the fuck i give a fuck for fifth
Sucking the barrel, she called my house 64x and hung up
A lots changed since then and I did my best to tell you all of what’s up
He’s dead... he’s gone... another one just like me
A genocide they play with cause they see us and not them as our enemy
I didn’t want to rhyme, my baby sitter taught me comfort
I shared my shine, got fucked instead, and suggested the Purple Heart alert when on the front
That faggot woke me up and showed me it all
In return I explained how it was like when someone like me fall
They didn’t care or see how we a lot like them
Instead They took their short cycled privileged life and came in for the win
That’s when I truly understood many men
I’m the man... well I’m scared for you to see
Not cause of what I did wrong, but because of how them bitches went in and did to me
The hills have eyes the hills have eyes
I’m just trying to live life for the moment
And this is what happens when everyone just try to own it


Link one: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...-Italian-Pride

Before I leave it was my head to burn like that, that day... why?

So I could tell this was important to you. So I wanted to get you some feedback.

Again, I could tell this has a lot of emotion. So that's good. Some of the bars didn't rhyme - I like the odd non rhyme for emphasis. But I feel like I came across a few and it brought me out. Especially since there were so few multis and internal rhymes. (Structure breeds immersion.)

And some of the images you were using were muddled or a little careless. I don't think you chose your words quite as well as you're capable of.

I bet if you just did this exact same rhyme from scratch a second time, you would have a killer piece. That's my feedback on this - keep doing you.

@High _and_drunk yeah it was first draft - I usually do go in and critique after - thanks for the feedback