If I could speak

Which horizon never met the Sun?
What have I done, to warrant her lack of warmth?
Glimmering hope, staring at ceilings.
Blazing me down spiraled, singed thoughts.
Reminding me, that neglect is the hardest wound to heal.

She never thinks of me.

Encased in body cement,
nothing grows, but apathy.
Half of me died in betrayed love.
Miles of memories ash the sky,
with burnt pieces of us.

I guess I wasn’t lucky.

There is nothing,
where the rest of me belonged.

She doesn’t love me.

She brings me down,
dressing me up with shame.
Dismissing it as a paper cut.
Tears will never tell.
They’ve never told before.

If I could escape,
corrupt cores plaguing numbed souls,
I would.
I’m only just surviving;
I don’t really want to live.
If she loved me…

I am my broken heart.

She makes me feel ashamed of me.









http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-I-Thought-143
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...hesis-Mr.Write

ATTENTION @Emilyinthepool,

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Yes Yes Yes....I am digging the emotional despair here. You paint some vivid imagery with some strong oppositional wording (body cement, Horizons not meeting the sun) it really gives the emotional aspect some defining depth in this then you wrap this up with some remorseful words in which I thought played well. I would like you to expand on that last part because you set up this wonderful pain in the beginning and the ending needed that intricate feeling to contain the emotion within its confines. Other than that this is a dope piece that really touches my heart.

Em you are growing in leaps and bounds and I like the way you are evolving, don't stop!!!

Peace and Love....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Emilyinthepool

Which horizon never met the Sun?
What have I done, to warrant her lack of warmth?
Glimmering hope, staring at ceilings.
Blazing me down spiraled, singed thoughts.
Reminding me, that neglect is the hardest wound to heal.

---

I love that opening line, what a beautiful question that is. And the following line adds weight to the philosophical musing of the first. Great start to the piece em!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Emilyinthepool

She never thinks of me.

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I really like these one-line stanzas you put in, it really breaks up the piece and lets you dictate the pace of the poem to ensure we're reading slow enough for it all to sink in properly, nice touch

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Emilyinthepool

Encased in body cement,
nothing grows, but apathy.
Half of me died in betrayed love.
Miles of memories ash the sky,
with burnt pieces of us.

---

I was a little turned off by the slightly cliche "nothing grows" line, but when you read it as a whole sentence with the first line it doesn't feel cliche at all, it feels vivid, which is great. I loooooove the Miles line tho omg THAT is poetry!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Emilyinthepool

I guess I wasn’t lucky.

There is nothing,
where the rest of me belonged.

She doesn’t love me.

She brings me down,
dressing me up with shame.
Dismissing it as a paper cut.
Tears will never tell.
They’ve never told before.

---

The last two lines here are fantastic, but I think the punctuation needs attention. A - or a ; would work better than a full stop after "tell" as it will strengthen the connection between the lines. As it stands I read "Tears will never tell." and cut the thought off there thinking it was concluded, only to find the next line was supposed to carry on from it. Love the message of the lines, just that full stop needs changing to give them more power I think.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Emilyinthepool

If I could escape,
corrupt cores plaguing numbed souls,
I would.
I’m only just surviving;
I don’t really want to live.
If she loved me…

I am my broken heart.

She makes me feel ashamed of me.

---

And this is where all the musing comes to consequence. Powerfully emotive stuff, I loved it.


This was a great read em, I knew I missed reading your work for a reason! This was a tour de force of pent-up emotion with just enough interesting technique thrown in to give it that special spark that leaves it lingering in your mind after reading. Really enjoyed it.

tight piece here Emily. what I enjoyed is how the voice of the poem was the emotion and the projection of that emotion. you had some great bits of imagery here,

Quote:

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Miles of memories ash the sky,
with burnt pieces of us.

---

and lines that were simple but just read so well to me, I love that and that is poetry to me

Quote:

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Half of me died in betrayed love.

---

This is the best piece I have read from you, great job here.

I feel like this was written during a cold night and you were watching the scene in figh club that talks about the third person memoirs of jacks organs.


Lol jk. Loved this. Wording was beautiful and I loved the old school stanzas.