Welcome to Heartbreak

A singular tree, its oak long ago tainted;
coated with the shrapnel’s of war
Indented tattoos of young love; so sure
now a lost couple with different surnames;
Yet the tree stood the test of time;
and it passed with abysmal grades
Still… a pass is a pass; so proud it bloomed
only to have it's parade rained upon
by detracting bystanders;
Snickering at the very sight of a smile
for a smile is a form of alienation
as this crowd contains the lovers of gloom;
Shadowed eyes with artificial hair;
Coloured ashen, others supported matte black;
Standing as outsiders to the daily matinee of life.

As I walked through the valley of death
shoulders hunched and my back bent
crawling; ever so quite; I hardly breathed;
to make sure I didn’t attract any attention
For these vultures wait to swoop down
and feed upon the very essence of mine.
Claiming their words as facts
the facets of these people; each so different.
One side was mock support
whilst the other conjured plans of my downfall;
And the left hand held a dagger
whilst the right was crooked
forming what was once an embrace.

Sipping upon my own blood; marveled
by it’s deep scarlet hue, I thought blood was crimson;
Maybe the hemoglobin carried polluted oxygen;
Which caused a chemical reaction
with the wine that coloured my flawed pigmentation;
Dripping ever so slowly off my chin, as my beard
was coated by an alcoholic’s whim;
I was once a man…so full of life and so sure;
now an ailing shell,
And my soul died as it couldn’t find its cure.

http://th02.deviantart.com/fs38/300W...Aaroneepap.jpg

Welcome to Heartbreak.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ca-383549.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...re-383723.html

first off, i want to apologize for the no-show. i've not net, i'm in college now though so there's free wi-fi. i'll feed as i go along;
first stanza, i just noticed how good your wording in, the shrapnel of war stuff was great. the tattoo/writing your name on the oak line was a cool metaphor. second stanza; your opening line was cliché but it drew me in so i can't complain tbh. i think you meant to say quiet, the wording was a little awkward in the 2nd and 3rd lines.

Quote:

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For these vultures wait to swoop down
and feed upon the very essence of mine.

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the second line here doesn't make sense grammatically mate, watch out for that.

Quote:

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And the left hand held a dagger
whilst the right was crooked
forming what was once an embrace.

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haha, super image here. really good way of conveying your meaning.

last stanza started off really good, the blood segment was great. i didn't like the alcohol flip, but the imagery/wording/wittyness throughout made for a really good read. i'd appreciate it if you returned the feed..

the thing that stood out most for me is your vocabulary. They aint long difficult words, but rarely-used-in-conversation great sounding.

Quote:

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Sipping upon my own blood; marveled
by it’s deep scarlet hue, I thought blood was crimson;
Maybe the hemoglobin carried polluted oxygen;

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worth pointing out.
i liked this man.