Back From Hell (Sick Story)
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...846/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...847/index.html
I woke up wit pain and no breath to breathe
I looked right, saw hell, guess god rejected me
then when i looked to the left me the devil was next me
this motherfucker starts explainin my death to me
hes talkin now while im movin back progressively
he said that it was a carefully planned hit
scared me to stand stiff, just look at my hands twitch
but damn why you talkin instead of torturing me
He said because you died before your time unfortunately
thats why your in this shit this your predicament
Your killers comin after ya fam before their finished with
Are you showin me mercy?, Im torn and uncertain
he said I could go back and warn just one person
but I didn't have to start to already be done searchin
its an obvious choice so who else but my girl
thats probably the only love that i felt in this world
I say my choice he gives me a twisted grin
says "lets begin just know u cant wish again"
poof Im outside my bedroom now, my homes hall walkin'
stop when I hear my girl on a phone call talkin'
"relax, Im almost packed and then ill be right over
me and you baby were gunna start our lives over
Cali's gunna be amazing just me next to you
And dont worry about the scene I dont think we left a clue
and when his parents are done we bury the gun
leave this place for good and get prepared for the sun"
im gunna kill this bitch, I need a mask and gat
grab our picture smash the glass and attack with that
think you won your done see whos the last to luagh
but I gotta hold back, react better than clever
make sure her and her man spend forever together
yup right beside me in hell after your necks've been severed
now it isnt just a mission, theres more to the shit
ima murda this bitch and enjoy doin' it
im at my parents house the back deck with a blade
pacin', waitin to make my aggression displayed
see a truck creep by, then i hear em park it
theres no fear in here yo im feelin heartless
I see a shadow comin', under the table i duck
its probably her man while she waits in the truck
hes on the porch now, hes headed for the door
i jump the fuck out, and get him to the floor
cut his throat his rips and his neck a little more
checkin for his weapon then im steppin' to my whore
hold up, after I grab the strap from his waiste
take the jacket off his back, and the mask from his face
a decent disguise as i creep to the ride
whats this bitch gunna think when she sees im alive??
I close the car doors make sure theyre all lock'd
show her my face then I watch her jaw drop
pull out her mans gun and shove it in her mouth
yea baby ima show ya what tough lovin' is about
what? kill me, then leave you thought you could relax
plot plans on my fam and i caught you in the acts
the shits been flipp'd you look nuaseas as i laugh
you gave me a bullet from this gun, ofcourse ill give it back
Re: Back From Hell (Sick Story)
ight bruh this was one HELL of a GOOD READ...pun intended...so heres my feedback...
Quote:
I woke up wit pain and no breath to breathe
I looked right, saw hell, guess god rejected me
then when i looked to the left me the devil was next me
this motherfucker starts explainin my death to me
hes talkin now while im movin back progressively
great opener to a great story...first bar had good flow n nice wording...explained without any/much detail what had happened to u...2nd bar was kinda funny...talkin bout after life n how satin told u bout ur death...i rele like how u started this story off...HOOKED me right in...
Quote:
he said that it was a carefully planned hit
scared me to stand stiff, just look at my hands twitch
but damn why you talkin instead of torturing me
He said because you died before your time unfortunately
thats why your in this shit this your predicament
Your killers comin after ya fam before their finished with
first bar was great cuz now u tell us what happened to u...second line added a lil by explain that u w still scared that satin was talkin to u...2nd bar was kinda funny again...downplaying hell n shit...n adding a weird charactoristic to satin...mercy...very interesting...3rd bar was nice kinda rele explains tha whole plot of tha story...very nicely worded...
Quote:
Are you showin me mercy?, Im torn and uncertain
he said I could go back and warn just one person
but I didn't have to start to already be done searchin
its an obvious choice so who else but my girl
thats probably the only love that i felt in this world
first bar was great theres a al being made with satin...2nd bar added alot to this story cuz we didnt even know u had a girl or anything like that...this story very slowly unfolds...very well written...
Quote:
I say my choice he gives me a twisted grin
says "lets begin just know u cant wish again"
poof Im outside my bedroom now, my homes hall walkin'
stop when I hear my girl on a phone call talkin'
lol ur first bar seemed to have a lil bit of foreshadowing...second line made me think of WHO WANTS TO BE MILLIONAIRE..."is that your final answer?!"...2nd bar was good...lol i like that poof im outside my bedroom now...n ur last line is a good setup for tha next one...
Quote:
"relax, Im almost packed and then ill be right over
me and you baby were gunna start our lives over
Cali's gunna be amazing just me next to you
And dont worry about the scene I dont think we left a clue
first bar i liked alot showing us his girl for tha first time n how she is already making evil plans...2nd br was nicely done...with a classic run away love story...n also shows what a BITCH she is...
Quote:
and when his parents are done we bury the gun
leave this place for good and get prepared for the sun"
im gunna kill this bitch, I need a mask and gat
grab our picture smash the glass and attack with that
first bar was great even more coldness from that BITCH...at this point im sure all tha readers want her to fuckin die...2nd bar gets us ready cuz thats what we were waiting to hear...good fuckin lines...
Quote:
think you won your done see whos the last to luagh
but I gotta hold back, react better than clever
make sure her and her man spend forever together
yup right beside me in hell after your necks've been severed
first bar is great...all revenge...flipped tha whole story from love to HATE...u gotta love it...good wording too...2nd bar first line was killer...n ur second like was great violent imagery...
Quote:
now it isnt just a mission, theres more to the shit
ima murda this bitch and enjoy doin' it
im at my parents house the back deck with a blade
pacin', waitin to make my aggression displayed
first line shows that its more than hate now...its revenge...its gonna be FUN...n us readers are right with u on that...2nd bar is great setup n imagery...well worded for showing us this murder scene...
Quote:
see a truck creep by, then i hear em park it
theres no fear in here yo im feelin heartless
I see a shadow comin', under the table i duck
its probably her man while she waits in the truck
first bar had even better imagery as we all wait to see what happens next...n ur 2nd bar showed a lil more to that girl character n this is tha first time we see tha guy come in...we dont know him but we still WANT HIM TO DIE...
Quote:
hes on the porch now, hes headed for the door
i jump the fuck out, and get him to the floor
cut his throat his rips and his neck a little more
checkin for his weapon then im steppin' to my whore
first bar was nicely worded for an attack...2nd bar was even better...good violence...nice imagery n now what we all waited for!!!
Quote:
hold up, after I grab the strap from his waiste
take the jacket off his back, and the mask from his face
a decent disguise as i creep to the ride
whats this bitch gunna think when she sees im alive??
i like how u started this...n tha first bar u make us wait as u setup a more evil n masterful plan...second line shows us what ur gonna do...2nd bar was had great wording n now we are all just waiting to watch her die...
Quote:
I close the car doors make sure theyre all lock'd
show her my face then I watch her jaw drop
pull out her mans gun and shove it in her mouth
yea baby ima show ya what tough lovin' is about
first bar was perfect...good imagery n loved that JAW DROPPED line...good setup for shoving a gun in it on ur 2nd bar...n ur last line was a great n simple metaphor...good fuckishit...
Quote:
what? kill me, then leave you thought you could relax
plot plans on my fam and i caught you in the acts
the shits been flipp'd you look nuaseas as i laugh
you gave me a bullet from this gun, of course ill give it back
first bar was fucking GREAT...a lil dialog rele summed up...tell em bout how this is justice...like ur 2nd bar which is a BIG FUCK YOU...now ur done...n then u added some PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN JACK SPARROW...ironic shit...GREAT ENDING...wow mayn this is like someof the best shit u ever wrote...i hope they dont sleep on this...ITS A GREAT FUCKIN READ...KEEP ON WRITING THAT GREAT SHIT n STAY UP ON UR CRAFT PARTNA!!!
yo RTF on any of my drops u like...
Re: Back From Hell (Sick Story)
Re: Back From Hell (Sick Story)
Uppin for feed =P. Thanks to all who feeded so far
Re: Back From Hell (Sick Story)
Yo J, its one of the hardest tracks you have ever written. Can't wait to drop my hooks. This tracks gonna be epic.
