Sweet Dreams Gabriel

Sweet Dreams Gabriel

Next week it will be a year since you passed in my arms
The pain still burns like fire more furious then 5 alarms
I hate him! For giving me such a gift of love and then taking it away
How much fucking wrong had I done to deserve you taken that way
You pictures hang on my walls, your ashes next to my bed
But the memories brand and torture me as they spin around in my head
I knew it was coming, I just refused to let you go
Daddy said no and I pulled it anyway - just though you should know
And I don’t know if I did it for you or for me
And until I get that answer I’m stuck in this insanity
Baby boy all those nights I spent crying praying he would fix you
But you just got worse and worse and there was nothing else we could do
When they said hyperplasia and you couldn’t even digest, I knew
Time to G up and do what a mom’s go to do
Gabey it wasn’t the money, it wasn’t the pain
It was watching you suffer that drove me insane
Nights when you were supposed to be sleeping peacefully
You’d violently seize and every time it stole a piece of me
My heart was breaking right before my eyes
I never knew love until those moments when I would realize
All those nights we spent back and forth to the ER
That night you looked at me and I swear your eyes whispered mommy no more
I think back to when you were 11 weeks old and I broke down in the shower
Praying to God for help, I felt like such a coward
13 months he gave us and fuck him for that
We turned cold together, your body, my heart, that night as we sat
I am far from perfect Gabriel and this I know you know
But my love for you is never ending and the purest I’ll ever know
I pushed you away and buried the memories, I even left our home
To think of you alone up there but at least I know heaven is where you roam
Gabriel – the messenger – the one of God for which I named you
But what is the message he sent in which he stole back too
I hate him, I hate him for what he did to you
I hate him for what he did to me
And sometimes I feel like the hate will last all eternity
I can’t forgive, I can’t understand, but I will no longer sit here and demand
Answers.
Gabey Baby I guess I just pray you will be the one to come back and rescue me
Rescue my heart that died that night with you and finally stop the fury
You were my light, my hope, my strength
And for your love I’ll still go to any length

Godspeed my sweet angel mommy and daddy will always love you
Gabriel ~ 11/11/11 – 12/6/12

My first Dog... the puppy I bought that I always wanted that no one could take away from me but God himself. I'm not mad at God anymore - Im thankful for the blessing of being able to know and take care of him. And I learned about love like being a mommy which I never got to be except for Gabe. My fire has faded in that aspect. And I hear I get my happiness in older age. I still have hope my time is coming. And either way is ok cause when the psychic told me what he said I knew it was only God that could've told him. So if that helps MY God realize what side it really is. I would never leave or be against Gaby and I still will let him do WHAT EVER he wants to do. I never even had to discipline him. So I know I would've been a good mom. Just like I knew when to pull his cord, I trust he knows when it's too much for me too. There's life after death FOR SURE!