An Empty Cup

[Nohbody]

I wake to better days, a haze of faith is placed at bay
TODAY's the day, 9 months and now I take my place. . .
As a father amazed, im graced with life I give my praise
And raise a drink to harbor the happiness embraced
Grabbing my waist the butter-flies are swarming. .
Warming a cold heart to start this wonderful morning
Soaring through clouds, im gonna be a dad, screamed it loud
As I drive to meet my wife, and see her smile so proud
Allowed time to calm down, approached the waiting room
No gloom can ruin this day. . . my son, ill see you soon

And to hold you in my arms is a prayer finally answered
You give me motivation to live in a world eaten with cancer
Used to be faithless, but now i know that theres a god
As if hes looking down on me and i see the angels nod

Hello Mr. Avery, Im Dr. Skelton. . . can you sit with me?

Just then, the lights dimmed on the world i crept within
"Im sorry but there was complications", hell im steppin in
2 minutes ago I was a step from heavens door. .
Now scorned, i leapt to the furnace of Satan's floors
"Sir you need to calm down", tears puddle my soul drowns
Explanations from this man mutes out I fall down. . .
In one moment promised of a miraculous event
I was robbed of my first born, and my wife that destiny sent
Content to just die, nobody can answer why
And to this day I cry at the memories passing by
Plastered nights, crashing skies, with them i also died
And lost my sight along this constant fight with life. . .

And to never hold you in my arms is my deepest regret
If God speaks to people he hasn't greeted me yet
Used to be doubtful, but now i've plainly given up
Everything I had was taken, my souls an empty cup

Everything I ever loved is gone. . my souls an empty cup

[Nohbody]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...386/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...185/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...348/index.html

post links and ill rtf . .

[Domo_Dolo]

In one moment promised of a miraculous event
I was robbed of my first born, and my wife that destiny sent

I can personally relate to that as well, but overall I like how you started it off being the happiest moment in your life and then have everything taken away in an instant, shit's powerful man and just reminded me of what I went through. Good job keep it up.

[warsaw deluxe]

Pretty good work man.. My criticism on this is that I think you put a lot of time and thought into the backstory of your piece but the climax wasn't given the same amount of attention - at the point when the doctor comes in, all your description and scene-setting got kind of lost, I felt it harmed the piece overall. Enjoyed what I got out of this one tho.. You did take me on a journey thru another man's shoes. I liked it.

[143]

Homie, I like the birthing aspect. It was a different take on it being that you came with a solitary moment versus people doing all nine months. For the technical parts you highlighted the storytelling with some well place wordplay and sims. Your storytelling drops comes in a structure all its own making it more of an interesting read. With this one here, the one thing was the slow decent into the ending not really pushing the issue of what happened to you to make you pass. other than that this is more than your usual drop. Point blank. Good Job

[W.isdom I.s L.ife so L.iv]

is this a true story? it seems like something out of a topical match.


anyway(if this is true) you have to look at the bright side of things ...and let it be obvious that God is preparing you for something ...something big... maybe you should start volunteering a church helping kids ... i dont know ... just try thinking outside the box on this one

anyway pc.



edit to say ... try using more descriptive words and verb intransitives

[The Kasper]

I really like the stories and background you put into these bro. I've already read a few of yours and I like how you plot. plots in songs are very appealing to an audience, ala "Stan" by Eminem, etc. I, as well, like the birthing effect. Its simple but effective. I can tell you worked decently hard on this and put in alot of thinking to fulfill the creativeness of it.

[Psycho Tick]

I think this was a solid piece
people doubted your ending but from what i got from it u wernt physically dead u were emotionally dead,
and waiting on god to greet u was ur prayers and pleas to die
best ive read on here yet,
but for anyone thats ever lost anyone close we feel the pain and emotion bro
showed well
great piece look forward to seeing more

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre....html?t=464102

[Str8 JackIt]

And to hold you in my arms is a prayer finally answered
You give me motivation to live in a world eaten with cancer
Used to be faithless, but now i know that theres a god
As if hes looking down on me and i see the angels nod

- ill

2 minutes ago I was a step from heavens door. .
Now scorned, i leapt to the furnace of Satan's floors
"Sir you need to calm down", tears puddle my soul drowns
Explanations from this man mutes out I fall down. . .

- great emotion here

And to never hold you in my arms is my deepest regret
If God speaks to people he hasn't greeted me yet
Used to be doubtful, but now i've plainly given up
Everything I had was taken, my souls an empty cup

- good ending


i've come t o see you become a great write here, your concepts are fresh, and you execute most of your OM's very well...good piece here man....its december now so i guess i can start nom'n shit....BOOM!

[Andrewert]

So i was reading this last night on my ipod and couldn't drop feed so i figure might as well now....

Alright, so you had good imagery through the whole piece and the imagery was there. Now at some points you rushed a little like from him going their then straight to finding out his son dying, maybe elaborate on how it was just waiting in the room a little more. Now at some points the piece was very strong and then the next bar didn't come as hard as the next.

Example:
Now scorned, i leapt to the furnace of Satan's floors
"Sir you need to calm down", tears puddle my soul drowns
Explanations from this man mutes out I fall down. . .
In one moment promised of a miraculous event

The bolded was sick, prob my favorite bar in the whole piece... but the next bar IMO didn't come as hard as the first.... which made me a little disapointed...

Your emotion that you portrayed through out the whole thing was really good. The whole twist with his son dying was nice. When i first read the title, i thought it was going to be something completly different like a topic with the glass is only half full or something... So yeah im glad I read this, good job

Also the dr.skeltons idk if you did that on purpose to illistrate that your son is dead cuz skeltons are from diseased organisms so idk if that was intentional or not

[Nohbody]

^^^ thanks man, in all honesty, this was like a 20 minute verse. . this was just shaking rust off and getting my head ready for all my upcoming collabs lol

[Andrewert]

Well for 20 minutes that was good lol

also RTF?
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...var=&p=8345716

[trajik]

Damn kayge... This was emotional as fuck, started out joyous and then you flipped the shit and dropped sorrow on us. So the emotion was phenomenal because I felt the emotions as the character did. Your strong use of assonance throughout created a smooth flow. For the most part your wording was good, a few lines I felt could have been written better, off the top of my head I think "eaten with cancer" would have read better as "eaten by cancer." Your story telling was really well done too, character development was nice too. It was nice telling us he was faithless before and shit like that. From the beginning I was hooked in and compelled to finish the story, I was interested to the end. Well done kayge, I'm glad your decision to stop topicals was only a short time.