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Thread: atlas

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    atlas



    it was the wettest september
    i can remember
    and october ain't lookin any better.
    in august
    i drove through America's rib cage-
    saw ghost towns trickling with the elderly.
    fitting in perfectly
    with antique stores.
    collecting dust
    that we dragged in from Virginia;
    they were just
    waiting
    to become ghosts too.

    somewhere there,
    in the emptiness of texas
    i thought of you-
    looking sweeter
    than sin
    in a sundress.
    thought about your words-
    how you bless the air and day
    with the golden things you say.

    i finished my second cigarette
    while the car cooled down.
    i kept you
    on my brain
    as the sun sank
    behind the town
    and somehow drained the sky
    of indigo.

    the previous evening
    was spent in New Orleans,
    where funural homes are a good place
    to make a living.
    On our way to Frenchmen,
    my brother and i met a sidewalk poet
    who sat under a streetlight-
    sweated midnight and jack daniels
    onto ivory sheets.
    he click clacked away on a typewriter
    and would clack you something special
    for five bucks.
    he asked me if i was a poet.
    i told him i was,
    and i never spoke to him again.
    i drank sake
    from the mississippi as
    Sinatra walked by
    singing happy tunes-
    reminding me
    of you
    and how glad i was
    that you are alive.

    on the spiderweb roads
    i found that this country
    has imperfect teeth
    and tired shoulders.
    dying nerves in it's spine
    and fingertips.
    but it knows that i miss you-
    wherever i go.
    and opens itself entirely
    so that i will always
    have some place to run to
    even if you're not there.
    Last edited by Neruda II; October 12th, 2011 at 12:22 AM
    murder murder

  2. #2
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
    Join Date
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    Posts
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    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Re: atlas

    Fourth stanza is a little weaker at the end than the rest of it. It's good, definitely in line with your approach but more refined. I'd capitalize the 'I' though.

    somewhere there,
    in the emptiness of texas
    i thought of you-
    looking sweeter
    than sin
    in a sundress.

    This was supreme.
    can I kick it?

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