failin for love

[Azeil]

more of poem format if at that


scary thoughts of thoughtlessness/the ones that came/popped your shit/cracked open a beer and left/took what they wanted/for them selfish selfs/helpless/now your souls burnin in hell,just like the criminal you are/you aint an idividual/you just got some original scars/from the way you look many size you up,criticise you and you feel tied up/bound by the wrists and ankles,hangin from several diffre...nt angles/how can you describe pain,when you survive/you aint deprived/but yet still you commit suicide/you lie and break trust/you kill others with stones, skulls bust/pokin at their brain with a stick/never realizin that person was allready sick/but you stick to your guns/actin all fed up/still tough/still number one/in your books/laugh and insult your mans looks/insecure but rough exterior/all for nothin cuse you still inferior/takin what dont belong to yours/you let your hands run staind with blood/treadin through dirt and mud/but still get no love.


i dunno wy it adds dots when i paste it from my notepad sorry.

[WhatsHisFace]

One thing for sure is work on structure. Whenever you write your piece's, you got to be organized so it can flow and make scene. For example:

blah blah blah blah RHYME
blah blah blah blah RHYME

Create a new line after your intended rhyming word. Other then that you have a nice usage of words, keep using that.

But one thing you missed was supplying 3 links of supply feedback. Here are the rules of posting in Open Mic:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...652/index.html

Keep writing.