The Help of a Doctor, ft Beta Viewz

[Str8 JackIt]

LOL MUCH OBLIGED BROTHER.....preciate the feed

[Art.]

ehem....told you id get around to thiss..

this was a bit different then what i expected, in a good way lol. i liked this very cool topic imo that could have went many different ways. the rhymescheme and flow shows that both of you can write in a variety of styles. both had well placed multies and internals and also had a good flow. i liked the story line as well, i thought there were some parts that could have had a bit more of a twist to them, but overal this was really good. both of you are elevating steadily and im glad to see it! keep up the good work my dudes.

[ItoldUIwasFat]

lol very cool collabo dudes. loved the concept to this
the subject was fresh and the fact you guys had this
back and forth thing going on not only with u but
with the storyline too was very creative and refreshing
to read.

i dunno whos who but its obvious you both meshed well in this
collabo to bring out some serious writing..good structure
and rhyme scheme...overall solid fucking drop

[Str8 JackIt]

The secret shall remain!

[oatmeal]

I really enjoyed this, thought the concept was real fresh and the back and forth worked well, the different styles made it stay fresh and held a good balance. I'm tired as fuck right now so I'll give this proper feed tomorrow. Good shit, gentlemen.

[Witty]

I've decided to nominate this for HOF.

[Str8 JackIt]

we appreciate you brother....

[trajik]

Wit, thank you very much for thinking so highly of this, much appreciated.

First nom!

[Toobs]

that shit was well executed....
would love to hear a song made from it over an epic beat....

[Shoemaker]

igght ima break it down

I pursued a therapist to take care of this broken brain
He told me its apparent how rare it is I'm go'n insane
Please doctor I'm unable to sleep, it's making me weep
Mental complacency creeps so I'm taking a leap
Of faith, relying on your skills but I'm denying any pills
I'm not trying any frills to lie with dying daffodils
Refusing to perish just to have snoozing to cherish
Defusing a careless mind, choosing the fairest
But most perilous choice, with the scariest noise
A sterilized poison pin risking paralyzed poise
Spinal injections paid with my vinyl collection
Upon final inspection my mind has direction

nice opening line, sets the stage for the story/topic
saying you're sick n' need help... good stuff
i liked how you went into detail using multies, about how sick you are... cant sleep etc...
denying pills... very good, cuz iv had family who has been addicted, its definatly better to just feel the pain rather than kill yourself slowly, i completely agree and that was the best line of the piece.
the last bar had ridiculous multis that i really feel. good stanza

[QUOTE]

Young man,
let me explain what’s been going on with your brain
it seems to be birth related, mentally put through strain
the x-rays located fluids I feel as though should be drained
and tissues should be obtained, I’ll further examine pains
that you have, theory speaks of a couple solutions
the conclusion you’ve been exposed or live near some pollution
symptoms noted hallucinations sporadic or mild
causing movements sudden and wild, trouble for a child
to grow accustomed to with age it turns to something bigger
small confusions or quick annoyances may be the trigger
but I’m here for the quick duration for your medic relief
though my practices may collide along with all your beliefs
I’m suggesting a couple pills, that deprive some forms of stress
Another is Tylenol in case headaches cause you duress
A liquid served by the tablespoon daily before you rest
3 hours between each dosage or slight pains will hit the chest

i like how this story has direction, now speaking from the perspective of the doctor... very clever way to go about this.
basically just explaining the diagnosis while using very good multis and images.. very good stanza here

He's damn right it collides with my beliefs, but pride will be kept brief
Hoping inside there's some relief of my wide array of grief
Scheduled medicines keep me on my toes but sleep hasn't arose
Awful scents deep within my nose, my pulse speeds and it slows
My eye's red and twitching, and my wife said I'm bitching
Nonstop, but my brain feels dead and itchy, heart bled, it's glitching
Suffering confusion, memories are stuttering and losin'
The fluttering delusions are mothering intrusions:
They're nagging, like these seizures which come at their leisure
And I can't be sure but don't think there's procedures
For their prevention, mental collapse forcing detention
Call him coercing attention, "Doctor, before I forget to mention..."

once again continuing the flow of the story, now back to the patient.
talking about how nothing has helped, not even the doctor, your still ill and nothing is changing. good shit. nice mulities in this line.
also like how you ended this by setting it up for the next stanza.
good job going back n forth

Son,
I’m saddened to say…the curtains will close
Eventually you will pass, swelling clogging your nose
While the pressure is rising in your blood, sugar is lowed
Any curing I thought has slowed, possibilities glowed
And time is limited, I’ll send the paramedics to scoop,
You from the house to ER and keep family in the loop
I’ll prep the tables and have my RN’s measure the injections
Hopefully this will numb you and kill incoming infections
…Pause…
I could read you the laws, you’ve heard before
Once you enter the room, FINGER POINTING exits the door
If this goes, as we plan and you make it out the op
Take care of yourself, ‘least until the day your body drops

**Doors slowly close to the ER room, the doctor and nurses cautiously gather around the patient and begin their work, hopefully to remove the infectious tumor causing this young man so much pain in his life…**

like how hes called son now instead of young man
saying he is doomed unless he changes his ways.
the finger pointing line was clever.
i like how you ended it too. perfect way, its like an outro not a rap.

overall great job guys im impressed.
keep at it.

rtf?

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...433/index.html

[trajik]

I'm enjoying the love, thanks everyone. I'll try and rtf everyone when I can.

[Prophet Margin]

I usually like these storyline-centered peices. makes it seem more like poetry or rhymed short story telling than rap, but good shit all the same

the patient doctor thing is played, but you guys put fresh spin on it, and kept me interested the whole way

Strong rhyme scheme, multis were on point. in fact, its hard to find many bars without multis in this....very impressive.

Flow and wording was on point too, nothing thats forced as far as i can tell, or akward....def in step with the english language here.

I also like collabs where i cant tell who wrote which verses. all 4 verses were solid, coherent, and consistent in style. Really couldnt differentiate between viewz and trajik. gave a sense of technical organization which is always nice in a storyline piece.

stay up guys

#IPswag

[trajik]

Thanks proph, appreciate it.

[Nohbody]

The strongest point to this piece was its smooth transitions from one verse to another. Yes, the concept has been done, but it dont detract from the content. You guys fed off each other well, and each verse complimented the other. The format was easy to follow, and the ideas were executed with nice detail and depth. . good shit fam from top to bottom

[trajik]

Thanks kayge! Got any audio we can feed?