A Hurt so rare,

[*J.R.*]

Link of feeds in tomorrow. I put this on another site, so to as avoid confusion, I'll post the link to it, and post the link to here there.
http://www.forum.trshady.com/viewtop...?f=24&t=120043


(Verse 1)
Yo, They say lyrical genius is missing in modern day rap,
I disagree, My rhymes are hotter than a sun-burnt snatch!
Speaking of that, some shit needs to get off my back,
This girl I know said she could easily replace my ass,
In her head I guess im placing last,
Laying in a bed, checking my heart monitor, yeah it's racing fast,
It's going faster the closer you approach,
You strangle me and it feels like there's a noose around my throat,
But do you let go? Or show mercy? Nope!
Who decided on this, I never put in my vote!

(Chorus)
A hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong,
A Hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.

(Bridge)
So much pain
Suffering,
Rougher than,
Nothing to gain,
But I'll tough it man,
Safe to say,
This wasn't my plan,
Didn't map out total suffering.

(Verse 2)
When I first thought about love, I was excited,
And her? Her life was great, using people, breaking hearts,
She found me useful, I guess she became delighted,
When she found she could use me, I was the target mark,
Then she broke my heart, tore it apart like glass,
Thought I was first at the start, now? I'm in last..

(Chorus)
A hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong,
A Hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.

[Masahiko]

(Verse 1)
Yo, They say lyrical genius is missing in modern day rap,
I disagree, My rhymes are hotter than a sun-burnt snatch!

.. Funny, but you really have to get a nice flow going,
try using multis it really developes a flow, and you can transition smoother through the verse

Speaking of that, some shit needs to get off my back,
This girl I know said she could easily replace my ass,

.. the flows really choppy here..

In her head I guess im placing last,
Laying in a bed, checking my heart monitor, yeah it's racing fast,

i think your wording could really make this line better too much going on and the flow is off.

It's going faster the closer you approach,
You strangle me and it feels like there's a noose around my throat,

the flow is better here

But do you let go? Or show mercy? Nope!
Who decided on this, I never put in my vote!

Seemed like you forced this a little.

(Chorus)
A hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong,
A Hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.

(Bridge)
So much pain
Suffering,
Rougher than,
Nothing to gain,
But I'll tough it man,
Safe to say,
This wasn't my plan,
Didn't map out total suffering.

(Verse 2)
When I first thought about love, I was excited,
And her? Her life was great, using people, breaking hearts,
She found me useful, I guess she became delighted,
When she found she could use me, I was the target mark,
Then she broke my heart, tore it apart like glass,
Thought I was first at the start, now? I'm in last..


I like the attempt on a creative rhyme scheme, but the flow suffers too bad and it doesn't seem to work.

It was still emotional which is good, so just sharpening the structure and overall flow of your piece and you can really improve your writtens

Thank you for the piece.

[*J.R.*]

Well honestly, it's a unique flow, you kinda have to read it differently, I guess you could say. Then it's pretty good. Thanks for the feed, though.

[ReynoC]

I would have to hear this actually to see how it flows

[*J.R.*]

Uppin,

[Manik Sona]

Verse one flows better than v2. Definitely need to hear it through though.