Moment in Time

[Soule]

Working three occupations,
stressed out beyond control.
Bleeding on the inside,
from stomach ulcers feasting.
Still reaching...
but I have nothing to hold me up.

Scarred tissue on my knuckles,
from breaking through the dawn.
Nose bleeds and headaches,
blood clots and heart attacks.
Fuck what the doctors said,
I'll worry until I'm dead!

Soul mate moving in three weeks,
- taking my heart with her.
I feel like an empty vessel,
abandoned by the crew captain.
Sinking into the abyss,
that I'm forced to call home.

My child is on his way,
should be here sometime in December.
I'm starting to lose faith,
have been since I could remember.

God, if this is a test,
than pardon me for walking away.
I'm not getting any rest,
and I'm constantly in pain.

Give me a moment in time,
where life doesn't provoke death.

...just one moment in time.

[Soule]

Bump.

[Token]

I def dig your poetry writing skills, but this particular piece was lacking compared to what you're capable of. Your poem, however had a very authentic feel to it because you came on such a personal level. My favorite stanza was..

Soul mate moving in three weeks,
- taking my heart with her.
I feel like an empty vessel,
abandoned by the crew captain.
Sinking into the abyss,
that I'm forced to call home.

that was dopeness. nice drop.

[Pinter]

Nice poem.

Your rhythm is strong and your word choices are simple, clear. The poem's image also resonates throughout, making the emotions--the pain--shine.

I would pay closer attention to your economy of words, perhaps leaving more out. For example, in your first stanza, maybe:

"Working three occupations, bleeding on the inside. Still reaching..."

Instead of "Working three occupations, stressed out beyond control. Bleeding on the inside, from stomach ulcers feasting. Still reaching..."

I understand the near rhyme of feasting and reaching, but the exposition does, to a certain extent, lose the image, if only momentarily.

Also, try avoiding words like "Soul mate," or other cliches involving heartache and love. Instead, describe the image, the emotion behind it, which you do quite well with:

"I feel like an empty vessel,
abandoned by the crew captain.
Sinking into the abyss,
that I'm forced to call home."

Here, I see the image. I cannot see your soul mate. Although, once again, you might consider dropping the final line of that stanza, or adjusting it so that the words flow a bit better. Abyss and home are excellent contrasting images, though, so maybe just adjust it (something as simple as removing "that," or changing "I'm forced to call home" to "that I call home.")

A very honest and candid poem, though. I really enjoyed reading it.