No serenity

[Shoemaker]

This is very unorthodox, I feel like I have two styles, a dark side and a bright side.
I wanted to showcase both... So I used my imagination.
This hook is original btw...

(hook)
The window reveals hopelessness, like it's painted black.
Revered as widow tears, atrociousness is feared, I am back.
I am him, I am pen, the grin on the face of the one who's grim.
The limb of the dead tree, no serenity.
                                           No serenity.
                                           No serenity.
Everything I was never meant to be... 
And Nothing that was meant for me...
                                           No serenity.

(1)
The beast inside is calling, growling, crawling.
A feast beside the fallen, bodies, rotting.
A light shines.. Sublime in this bright mind.
The right kind would find that I'm Not fine at night time/
Toll tickets for this whole rigid, frail idget.
pay them with the blood from my known victims.
Blown wisdom, used in his system.
Home prism, marked by drag trails of missin'
Soul is missin, heart is missin, brain is trippin.
Whole part is missin', the art is with him.
It resides... To yalls suprise... Strong within him.
He is grown but shrinking, thinking won't help him from sinking... This deep ends...

(hook)
The window reveals hopelessness, like it's painted black.
Revered as widow tears, atrociousness is feared, I am back.
I am him, I am pen, the grin on the face of the one who's grim.
The limb of the dead tree, no serenity.
                                           No serenity.
                                           No serenity.
Everything I was never meant to be... 
And Nothing that was meant for me...
                                           No serenity.

(2)
I already said it's me against myself/
I admitted I ain't good enough/
I already said I need some help/
I hope you know I've had enough/
Im great, mistake is that my voice is too quiet/
Man even my weed ain't loud at all/
Lyrical giants are my standing tyrants/
But hey... The taller you are, the harder you fall/
LETS GO
Ima get rolling, stoning, blowin trees while you blowin me/
On your knees.. I don't smoke weed I smoke poison leaves/
I'll carry y'all, I don't care at all/
I'm a bear dog, see my bare balls/
The way I bear arms, I bear all/
The world ain't in my hands, it's on the tip of finger/
Shit is on a swivel like my pencil when I linger/
Riddles n' pivitols, beat fiddles no joke/
The best is fuckin back like the titanic's afloat/
My mic hand hold the hope/
Your right hand holds the choad/
Swerving over curbs cuz there's absurd pervs in the road/
My mind lurks like there's a mic bug n' the rug/
I might hurt ya like I'm tight ropin above/
Fall down on ya ass fast, ya sweet as molass/
Get spun like taz, n' straight shattered like glass/
You'll probably hate this, cuz there ain't no topic at hand/
Well fuck you, I ain't racist, but I will backhand a black man...

(hook)
The window reveals hopelessness, like it's painted black.
Revered as widow tears, atrociousness is feared, I am back.
I am him, I am pen, the grin on the face of the one who's grim.
The limb of the dead tree, no serenity.
                                           No serenity.
                                           No serenity.
Everything I was never meant to be... 
And Nothing that was meant for me...
                                           No serenity.


Links will be here...

[Shoemaker]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8302951

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8302962

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8302989

[<SamPle>]

returning feed

the hook

okay, im a fan of people who right hooks for thier peices... i like to do it aswell i think you can tell alot about someones abilties to come up with a great audio and catchy tune...

although i felt like this bit could be improved slightly, this my own edit:

The limb of the dead tree, no serenity.
Everything I was never meant to be...
And Nothing that was meant for me...
No serenity... senrenity
no senrenity...senrenity

just my thought....

"The beast inside is calling, growling, crawling.
A feast beside the fallen, bodies, rotting."

good opener.. nice multis flowd really well, in fact from here i new it would flow well..

"Whole part is missin', the art is with him"

i think you should replace the missin in this line, i think is was more two many... up to hear your flow.. no joke, was one of the best i've seen in a while with soem great multies which made it that way.. awesome.

however, the 1st verse is a beat short comapred to the 2nd one i think maybe 4 more lines would even it out make sound consitant... grat verse though.

"Ima get rolling, stoning, blowin trees while you blowin me/
On your knees.. I don't smoke weed I smoke poison leaves/"

you should of started this verse with this, would of been much better
i felt like some parts in this verse didnt flow well at all and your multis were slightly off... but then it would pick up again and the flow was great.... maybe just readjusts some words and lines, take abit more time and stick to the flow of the 1st verse... 2nd one felt like a freestyl abit..

you started doing puns aswell which you didnt have in the first.. but i think i get that

1st first was about you explaining that there is a dark side in you
and the 2nd verse is that dark side actually out and writing the lyrcis
ima right??

nice concept, nice multis keep going

[Shoemaker]

Thanks for the feed.

Yeah the 2nd was supposed to be punchlines.. Random awesomeness

[trajik]

I'll give proper feed on this soon, but I thought this was pretty good man.



I really liked the first verse, great flow, good multis and was fairly well worded except the over use of some words. Other than that I liked the confliction that was felt through the emotion present here. Good imagery as well. The second verse was just as good as the first, with all the same qualities I liked, te flow, rhyme scheme, were well done, there was a definite and apparent change like Jekyll and Hyde, less emotion, wait, is crazy an emotion? But anyways I'm seeing major improvement in your writing from the last I read from you. Good work shoe, I think you're well on your way into getting into the crew.

[Prophet Margin]

Im likin the hook alot, unorthodox as you said but pretty nice.

the whole thing seemed to flow well, the first verse was short as fuck and wasnt as strong rhyming wise as the second one. still good shit as far as imagery and tone and all that.

second verse had some good multis fasho, it seemed like more of a battle rap verse, like all over the place....but idk, it was solid technically and pretty impressive for that reason.

[Shoemaker]

Uppin

Good feed

[Shoemaker]

Uppin will RTF